WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN,WHY, HOW,

WEDNESDAYS!!

This is the test from the end of my best smelling book..."Hitchin', God's Way Of Letting You Know You Don't Have A Car."

WARNING!!!

Do not attempt to answer them!!

They will definitely fry your little brain!!!

Just enjoy.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Now, echoing Ha Ha's like in a horror flick!

HA HA HA HA HAHA HAAAAA!!!

Comprehensive Test On The Whole “Cockadoodie” Book!

Circle the correct answer. ( No, not with your pen. I want you to physically walk around it in a circle, knucklehead!)

A. Gregatton is a giant, ruthless, God-like, tyrannical, grotesque, alien creature that thirsts for human blood.
B. Greggatton is cute.

A. A real and true hippy could be described as a hard working, 40 hour week kind of guy/girl.
B. A real and true hippy avoided work like Maynard G. Krebs. (WORK!)

A. The words Los Angelos and Las Vegas sound very similar.
B. You’d have to be a stupid idiot to hear Los Angelos and think you heard Las Vegas.

A. Adam Lambert is a human life form.
B. Adam Lambert is an alien life form from a planet called Lolalykesymunkowl.

A. Tony Dow is the greatest American actor.
B. Tony Dow invented oven cleaner.

A. Richie Havens is the greatest singer of all time.
B. Joni Mitchell is the greatest singer, songwriter, artist; EVERYTHING, JUST EVERYTHING WONDERFUL! She’s not bad, for a girl. (I love you, Joni! Why haven’t you called me?)
C. All of the above.

MULTIPLES OF CHOICE QUESTIONS
( WOW! What a diverse final exam!)
Put a check next to the correct answer. And make it out to Danny Maness. I.D. will be required. Thank you.

One of the most important pieces of equipment for hitchin’ is: 
A. An accordian. (No, but that would be cool.)
B. A sign. (Hint; This is the correct answer.)
C. Moose antlers. (Another cool idea!)
D. Old VHS of Mr. Magoo portraying Scrooge, and as everybody knows; The voice of Mr. Magoo was hilariously done by Jim Backus, who also played “the rich guy” on Gilligan’s Island, and that cartoon “virgin” of A Christmas Carol was actually very good.

What is the galaxy in which we earthlings are located?
A, The Milky Way.
B. The Snickers.
C. The Ford 500.
D. The Wilbur Fodnick.

Which chapter of the book was your favorite?
A. The Sojourn Ends and begins and ends and begins………
B. The San Francisco Kid.
C. The Glirkazoids
D. More Beer For Pattonville High.
E. They were all crappy.


Name the cutest, sweetest girl in the whole history of the Pattonville R3 School District:
A. Gayle McCormick ( Class of 66; Sang “Baby It’s You” with a band named “Smith.” REALLY!)
B. Delma Kirkland
C. Janice Puckett
D. Jennifer Corbin
E. Vicki Bumpus
F. Charlyn Wilcox ( Hint; Pick this one!)

The greatest coach at Pattonville was:
A. Coach Hitler.
B.Coach Stalin.
C.Coach Lucifer.
D. Coach Beck. ( Who also held the shot-putt record at Ritenor High School for over 100 years or something like that.)

What is the best way to keep from falling asleep when you’re trying to stay awake, drive and survive alive?
A. Chewing gum.
B. Rolling down the window.
C. Turning the radio up, full blast.
D. Forget it. Nuthin’ works!

A tee shirt with the cover picture of “Chicken’s Butts and Coconuts” on the front and the cover picture of “Hitchin’ on the back, would be:
A. Awesome.
B. Stupid.
C. Weird.
D. Something I would order as gifts for all my dear friends and family members. Maybe I’ll order 500 to begin with.

UNDERLINE TRUE OR FALSE

(No, not here, silly. Down below where the questions are.)

1. My big brother, Dave, was Mr. St. Louie. True or False.  (It’s false. He was Mr. St. LOUIS; No self-respecting St. Louisian calls it St. Louie, Louie!)

2. The song “Follow”, sung by Richie Havens, puts the author of this book “THERE. True or False. (Take a wild guess.)

3. The song, “Winchester Cathedral” can make the author of this book physically sick. ( You’re kidding me, right? Then go listen to the “cockadoodie” song, dumbhead!)

4. Reading this book wasted 3 hours and 55 minutes of your valuable time. True or False. ( Hey! It’s not my fault you read so slow.)

5. White Castle Hamburgers are better now than they were in 1956. True or False. ( Yes, I Do  remember 1956, and I also remember White Castle Hamburgers priced at 5 cents.)

6. The refreshing liquid prohibited at Pattonville football practices was Dom Perignon 1975. True or False ( Hint; We gradumagated in 1968.)

7. Rick Robberson knocked me on my “assk me now no questions” and I deserved it. True or False.

FILL IN THE BLANKS
(This is a really, really diverse test. Don’t you think?)
(Yes, This is DI-Verse test I’ve ever taken! BA-DUM!)

1. The periscope-like device used to STARE at earthlings by the Glirkazoids is known as a _____________. (Hint; Rhymes with periscope.)

2.One of the most hated things about Hitchin’ are the sharp tiny_______ that pelt unprotected parts of my body as if I was  being tortured with nasty little needles.

3. Russell Rue had a voice that sounded exactly like E____F_____.

4. This test is really______! ( Who wrote LAME?)

5. Without a doubt, this is the funniest book ever written. The second funniest is C_______B____and C_________.

6. The author of this book is totally_______! ( Go ahead. I can take it.)

AGREE OR DISAGREE

( Black out the word you DON’T  want as an answer; This leaves the correct answer out in plain sight, which makes grading a hell of a lot easier.)

1. “The Jerk” is the best movie ever made. Agree or Disagree.

2. The game that Glirkazoids live for is called “The Game.” Agree or Disagree.

3. This book is dedicated to Greg Batton, the greatest superstar of talk radio in the whole wide worm! Agree or Disagree. ( Now, don’t “DIS” my buddy “pard.”)

4. I don’t care what bigoted idiots say about “Ellen”, she’s FUNNY!  Agree or Disagree.

5. When I go to heaven, the dog I loved as a child will be there to greet me. Agree or Disagree.

6. Only wealthy people can afford to go to professional sporting events anymore. Agree or Disagree. (Sad, isn’t it.)

7. Stand up comics never curse. Agree or Disagree.

8. Baby kittens are ugly. Agree or Disagree.

9. People either love cats or hate them, there’s no in between. Agree or Disagree. (I  personally think cats are cool.)

10. If I  take a close look at a Praying Mantis (No, not Maness) it appears to be a creepy terrifying alien creature that can turn it’s horrible head and give me the evil eye! Agree or Disagree. 

11. Biting into a Popsicle stick sends chills up my spine. Agree or Disagree. (Well, it does me.) 

12. I LOVE  hearing people pop their knuckles. Agree or Disagree.

13. Professional athletes don’t make enough money. Agree or Disagree.

14. The sound of someone scraping their fingernails on a chalkboard is soothing. Agree or Disagree.

15. Pit Bulls are bad dogs. Agree or Disagree. (Hint; There is no such thing as a bad dog; Just bad owners.)  

16. Giraffs are cool. Agree or Disagree.

17. Pepsi is the best soda. Agree or Disagree.

18. Coke is the best soda. Agree or Disagree.

19. Soda will kill me. Agree or Disagree.

20. The only reason I  watched “Family Matters” was to see Steve Urkel. Agree or Disagree.

21. Clowns make me happy. Agree or Disagree.

22. Clowns terrify me.   Agree or Disagree.

23. My favorite “Charlie’s Angel” was Sabrina.  Agree or Disagree. 

My REAL favorite.

24. Joni Mitchell AND Richie Havens would probably find me boring.  Agree or Disagree.


ESSAY QUESTION
( I always hated essay questions.  Agree or Disagee.)

Write 500 words on why you love Sarah Palin on the palm of your hand. ( NO!  I didn’t mean she would be sitting on.…never mind.)

BONUS ASSIGNMENT
(10,000 Points)

Make a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich without thinking about Elvis. (Thank you very much.)

TIMES UP! 

Put down your pencils, tear the completed test out of your book and send it to me for grading.