Tell Santa, I mean, Danny Claus, What You Want For Christmas.
Well, boys and girls, all of your letters have been thoroughly read by jolly olde, Danny, and I'll reply to a few of them today...right here on my festive, yuletide blog.
Dear Danny Claus,
I've been very good this year and would like to win the lottery. 100 million would be a nice amount to win. Can you make it so?
Signed...Billy
Dear Billy,
I'm sorry, but my spies have been watching you, and you have not been a good boy this year, or ANY year! Remember, we see you when you're "sleeping," we know when you're awake, and you've been a nasty boy in both instances.
As for winning 100 smackers in the lottery, didn't you make enough money through speeches and the Clinton Foundation?
You'll get a lump of burned out uranium for Christmas.
Signed...Danny Claus
Dear Danny Claus,
Would you get rid of a bully for us? He has been tormenting us with bad words, making fun of our looks, and not letting us play the way we used to. Life was so fun before he came along. This bully needs to be disposed of, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!
Signed...The Democratic Party, News Media, and Hollywood.
Dear Democratic Party, News Media, and Hollywood,
Lighten up, the bully you're talking about is 72 years old, fat, has orange hair, doesn't read, and most likely, suffering from dementia. You're afraid of HIM?
Have fun wit it! Play along with the old coot. What's he gonna do, push the wrong button one day and blow up half the world?
Anyway, he's not gonna be president much longer. Do you think American's would put a nut like that in office AGAIN? It will NEVER happen, even though they said that last time.
Signed...Danny Claus
Dear Danny Claus,
I need a true friend! I have boys and girls come to my house who get mad at me, because I'm better at EVERYTHING !
If they sing, I sing better, if they do impressions, I do them better, my jokes are better, and I guess they resent me, due to my amazing talent. Can you bring me a friend who recognizes my wonderful abilities?
Signed...Jimmy Fallon
Dear Jimmy,
Ya ain't that good.
Signed...Danny Claus
Dear Danny Claus,
I come to America as immigrant and work hard to be good patriotic girl. I marry American man who teach me to love America more, but many hate me for no reason. I think maybe I am ugly and stupid, but I try to smile and let it go. Can you tell me what I need to do to be better American, and what I did wrong?
Signed...Melania Trump
Dear Melania,
Political bias makes a lot of folks blind, deaf and dumb. Dumb, as in without intelligence. You are not ugly or stupid. You speak 5 languages, for heaven's sake, and you were a super model, girl! So keep on doing what you're doing, and all the hate will come to an end if you...
1. Divorce the Donald.
2. Denounce the Donald
3. Let's face it...it will NEVER end. Sorry.
Okay, boys and girls, now send me your Christmas wishes in the comments section below, and I'll see what I can do about pulling something from my bag of imaginary gifts to satisfy your heartfelt desires.
