So, here I am in the middle of the living room floor.
Minding my own business. (I think, if I remember correctly,
I was writing thank-you notes to all my family members. Just
because I wanted to. 

Example: Dear Mama, thanks for being
you.) 

Unbeknownst to me, my brothers had put hideous faces
on two coconuts Mom had bought at the A&P. 

They used Mom’s eyebrow pencil. 

(Mom’s joke used to be, “someone’s in
the bathroom, so I’m going to the A and P”. 

When you make jokes like that, urine trouble.)

All of a sudden, the lights went out except for the
ghostly light coming from the Winky Dink show. 

I began to hear drums. As if someone was beating on a Quaker Oats box.

Those drums, those dang drums still beat in my head!
Then I heard a long low ssssssssss. A few seconds later
I heard shhhhhhhhhh. Now, a little louder, it became
shruuuuuuuunk. Finally, all my deepest fears rose to the top
when I heard shruuuuuunken heads! 

All of a sudden, my two
brothers ran in from the kitchen, each with a shrunken head.
(Psycho music again.) What’s happening? Is this a nightmare?
Did my brothers chop off people’s heads? 

They say I was
found 14 blocks away at the garbage dump, talking to rats
and liking it.

CHICKENS' BUTTS

                      AND COCONUTS

by Danny Maness

So, anyway, Mom said, (very slowly) “Come Danny, hold

out your hand.” Expecting the nicest surprise ever, I did

what I was told. 

Mom said, (very slowly and eerily) “Close

your eyes.” I did so in my youthful innocence. I felt her put

something in my hand. A kitty? A puppy? 

In a sweet, singsong way, Mom said, “Open your eyes.” I opened my eyes.

I did not find the wonderful, beautiful surprise my childish

heart yearned for so eagerly. Instead, I saw in my tiny,

virgin palm, an ugly, awful, slime covered, raw chicken’s butt!

(Psycho music again). I am told I was found in an alley ten

blocks away muttering something about the Little Red Hen,

Donner Pass and proctology. (Funny thing, my Mom pulled

that chicken’s butt thing on me about two dozen times after

that, and I started to enjoy it. Kind of like the way we

enjoyed terrifying movies as kids. Did you ever want to turn

off a horror flick on T.V. when you were a tot, but were

afraid to get close to the set? I know, I know. We didn’t

have a remote in those days. Thanks for reminding me of my

advanced years.)