TRAVELIN' TUESDAY

Paul Bass...a brilliant and sophisticated high school, and grade school alum of mine inquired about getting a copy of my classic, inspirational book that looks like this:

I was extremely flattered and honored that someone who is much more intelligent and handsome than me (like most of my high school buddies) would want my dysfunctional book, but also sad and sorry to have to tell him the book sold out, and there are no more spare books available, but after that, I became happy to let him know he could find many excerpts from BOTH my books on my blog! YAY!!!

Here is just one example from the very first pages of my Hitchin' book:

This book is dedicated to GREG BATTON. Radio talk show host, WMBD 1470 AM. Peoria, Il.
I sent Greg a very rough copy of my first book and he gave me all the encouragement I needed to keep on keepin’ on with my writing.
Even though he’s a big shot, superstar radio personality, he ALWAYS answers my emails, laughs at my dumb jokes and has become one of my best friends! 
He and his lovely wife Yvonne are REAL people! Down to earth and filled with love for others. I wish I could find the words to express my deep thankfulness for his kindness------- Hey! I can do that right now! THANKS GREG! I LOVE YA, MAN!

https://www.facebook.com/greg.batton?fref=pb&hc_location=friends_tab#

TABLE OF CONTENTS

(Contents; Canvas shelters that convicts use when camping.)

Chapter 1.  The Sojourn Ends and begins and ends and……..1.

Chapter 2.  The Superior Race……………………………….....23. 

Chapter 3.  The Glirkazoids………………………………..........39.

Chapter 4.  More Beer For Pattonville High……………53.

Chapter 5.  The San Francisco Kid……………………………82.

Chapter 6.  Rocky Mountain, Hi………………………………...95.

Chapter 7.  Mr. St. Louis………………………………..............116.

Chapter 8. Hitchin’ 101 or Highway 101. Whatever.128.

Chapter 9.  Greggatton The Great!………………………….132.

Chapter 10. The Big Test……………………………….............136.

Chapter 11.  Hitchin’... God’s Way Of Letting You 
                     Know You Don’t Have A Car……………..145.

CHAPTER 1
The Sojourn Ends and begins and ends and begins and……….

Picture in your mom, a gorgeous, golden,  gigantic...no, wait... gargantuan, Glirkazoid Muther………………….

There I go again, forgetting my manners!
Hi! Nice to see you again! Did you lose weight? Wow! That much, huh? Oh, sorry to hear that.
Well, the diarrhea can take the pounds off alrighty!

What else?
Ouch! A boil on your butt? 
Ohhhh, a BIG boil on your butt.
Did they lance it? 
I’ll bet that hurt!

Come on. You must be kidding me! 
I think Preparation H is still the best thing for that.

Oh, bummer. That’s a shame.
Viagra doesn’t help?
Too bad, man. 
What a tough break!

Now, let me tell you about the major operation I had last July!

I was working up on my roof and started feeling a little dizzy, soooooo,………………….Say, what?
Get back to the book?
Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! Thanks, amigo! Rock on!

Everybody ready?

Count with me!
One, two, what’s he gonna do?
Three, four, tell some more.
Five, six, the clock tock ticks.
Seven, eight, we kin hardly wait!
Nine, ten, now let’s begin!
( Wasn’t that stupid?)

Picture in your mom, a gorgeous, golden, gargantuan, Glirkazoid, “Muther Ship!”

A 222 class ship, that is hovering about 42,000 zag-knots above the Arizona desert.

Is it shaped like a saucer?
No.
A cigar?
No, not that either. 
As a matter of fact, it is shaped like all upscale Glirkazoid ships. 
A casaba melon.

While the outside of the ship is stunningly beauteous, the inside is absolutely rapturous!

The gold and silver controls with instruments and gadgets spinning around, moving back and forth and up and down!

All at once we take in the most wonderfully beautiful and astonishing sights our poor, sore eyes have ever beheld!

Every square inch of the ceiling and walls are covered with rare, exquisite, colorful, priceless, 60’s and early 70’s album covers!

Joni Mitchell’s, Ladies Of The Canyon album cover, actually painted by her.

Cat Steven’s, Teaser And The Firecat, painted by him.

 Abby Road, that has a photo of the Beatles ... heck, everybody knows that already!

Sgt. Pepper’s.

 The White Album. ( Pure genius)

Led Zeppelin’s, Houses Of The Holy.

Cream’s, Disraeli Gears.

Aoxomoxoa, by The Grateful Dead.

The Relayer cover by Yes.

 Pink Floyd’s, The Dark Side Of The Moon 

And to save some tom, just think about ALL of your favorite album covers and that’s what you see. 

Now, I’m not saying all of these band members created these covers! I realize, most of them were done by artists who were very, very talented and awesome! 

However, I don’t know their names and I’m not taking the time to look them up! (Well, I do remember that Phil Hartman was one of them, but that’s it.)

We focus in on an adorable Glirkazoid, looking into a periscope type of thing-a-ma- bob.
The strange device allows him, or her (It’s hard to tell the difference with Glirkazoids) look down on muther earth and view pathetic earthlings. (The device is called a “stare-a-scope”)

I know what you are thinking. (You clever readers.) 
Why can’t humans see this enormous space vehicle?

Here is the really, really scientific and extremely technical answer to your surprisingly good question.

Whenever the muther ship senses detection by someone, it automatically turns on the, super secret and highly sophisticated  
“ ukont-seamy” device, which makes them totally and utterly invisible. 
( It doesn’t always work. Ask Jimmy Carter.)

Now, back to the cute little Glirkazoid looking through the “stare- a scope.”

We can now see what Lef-tenant Sqraatz can see, as he, or she, gazes upon the big blue ball we like to call earth.
(The upcoming special effects are soooo cool! I “borrowed” them from a movie I saw a few years ago.) 

First we see a grey, swirling, foggy blur.
Then, the blur slowly, begins to clear away and is replaced by white billowy nimbus clouds that hide the earth from our eager eyes.

The thick bank of cumulus clouds, I mean, nimbus clouds (Oh, what’s the big difference!) begin to part like the Red Sea ( Are you getting excited yet?) and we start to recognize those little squares, rectangles and circles.
( No! Not crop circles! How “out of it” do you think I am? That bad, huh?)

I’m talking about the squares, circles and stuff that you see from a plane. (However, I DO  remember walking through a cornfield in central Illinois back in 1973 and……………… We don’t have time for that right now)

Next, we slowly zoom in on the tops of mountains, red roofed homes, sawarrow cactus (I never could spell saguaro), blue swimming pools, semi-trucks, and tiny wittle cars moving up and down the roads.
 ( Ain’t they cute!)

(Now, pay close attention to the next part ‘cause it’s all about ME.)

(Cue, “Hitchin’ a Ride” by Vanity Fare.)

Alright.

The wide aerial view of Phoenix narrows down, narrows down, narrows down, smaller, smaller, and focuses in on the top of the head of a fuzzy haired 
(Not as fuzzy as Art Garfunkel’s, but more like Cat Stevens’ CURLY/FUZZY hair), slightly chubby hitchhiker.

He is wearing a black tee shirt, bell-bottoms, and sneakers. (I couldn’t wear sandals because they made my feet feel weird.)

Yeah, that’s right folks. It was little ole me.
A hippy. (Actually, just two-thirds of a hippy because I worked at a job most of the tom) Who’s tom?

We flash back to Lef-tenant Sqraatz looking at me through the “stare-a-scope” and just laughing his/her “krapper” off!


So ends this fascinating, awe inspiring excerpt from my second book, with the unusual title of:

TAA DAA!