8 Foolproof Steps For Removing Stress And Anger

Removing ourselves from the stress and anger of this tumultuous world is not as hard as it seems.

I used to be a big news hound, displaying an unquenchable thirst for news, because it was REAL!

Real? What's real anymore? Real is whatever "THEY" say is real on the particular network you're watching. 

So, step number one in removing anger and stress is...

1. Stop watching the news. In fact, get someone who's a geek or nerd to delete all of the news channels from your T.V. (if that's even possible), and listen to old records (if you still have a record player), of happy songs by Mitch Miller or Burl Ives. 

2. Keep repeating to yourself, "there is no bad news, there is no bad news, everything is A-Okay, everything is A-Okay," even though you know you're telling a big fib to yourself. 

3. Adopt too many pets. They'll  keep you so busy you'll forget about the world coming to an end in 12 years, according to AOC! How many pets? So many that when anybody walks into your home they'll say, "don't you think you have too many pets?"

4. Listen to the Greg And Dan Radio Show every morning between, about, 5:20 AM to 9:00 AM, and you'll get everything you need to know about world events, but with a funny twist. You'll also hear some of my hilarious stuff from time to time on there, and YES, I DO believe in self promotion when it comes to ME, ME, ME!!

5. Watch entertaining YouTube videos. There are millions of 'em! Here are a few examples of some that will brighten your day...

6. Do NOT discuss politics with ANYONE, or religion, or Cubs versus Cardinals, or if toilet paper should go over the top, away from the wall, or under, along the wall, or deep dish pizza compared to thin crust, or..or...well...don't discuss ANYTHING!!

7. Keep eating everything you enjoy! Eating is probably the biggest stress reliever imaginable! Although, when you hit 600 pounds, the massive food costs and hospital bills will bring on more stress, but that won't be for a long time, if you last that long. 

8. Focus on helping others. There is an old Native American saying, " If the moccasins of your brother are worn down, and his bow is broken, and his quiver is empty of arrows, and his teeth are falling from his mouth like pine cones from a tree, and his teepee  is filled with holes, remember, the red fox always dances with the chickens at the full moon."

I guess you have to be Native American to understand the true meaning, but just be nice to others and your life will be less angry and stressful most of the time, but if you're driving in Chicago traffic, there's no preventing stress and anger, so we'll make an exception for ya there.

What Does Garbage Day Mean To You?

Today is "garbage day" for us. Every Wednesday. Some call it "trash day." Others call it "refuse removal day." I think that's what they say in rich neighborhoods. In England, I imagine they say "rubbish removal day." "Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade, um hem."

I lost my train of thought for a second. Got off track, and derailed my brain for a bit. 

What I was getting at, before I rudely interrupted myself, is that "trash day" is so noisy!

It's always been noisy. Remember when we all had metal garbage cans, and it was metal against metal banging against our brains as we tried to sleep? 

What I don't get is why it's even noisier today, when we all have plastic garbage cans!

I think it's the super loud trash trucks that boom me out of bed every Wednesday, like the sonic booms that were created by jets as they broke the sound barrier over my St. Louis home when I was a kid. (A little aerodynamic history for ya)

The brakes sound like tortured banshees (I know I used the banshee word in a recent blog article, but it just seemed to fit here), and the mechanical thing that lifts the can and bang, bang, bangs it against the tail of the truck, and then along with the the crusher mechanism, is louder than the entire Industrial Revolution!!

The Industrial Revolution In All It's Glory

Can't they put soft rubber cushion things on the metal parts to make them a bit quieter? Change their brake pads more often? Spray WD40 on the squeaky areas, so we can get some sleep?

An ancient query for you...Do you put your garbage can out the night before or on the morning of "refuse removal day?" 

Personally, I wait until morning, because I don't want any delinquent street urchins spilling my trash all over creation in the middle of the night!

A big drawback to that is when you're lying in bed and vaguely hear the rumblings of the garbage truck coming down the street, and you have to put on some clothing, empty the house trash into the big garbage can outside, and take it to the curb as fast as Wudy The Wabbitt, before the garbage guy can gleefully pass your house!!

I'm dying to know what your preference is when it comes to putting out your garbage can the night before or on the DAY.

What are your most interesting garbage day stories?

Did raccoons ever invade your private trash receptacle? 

Is dumpster diving something you enjoy? 

In conclusion...Never throw ashes from your grill into the garbage can! You'll probably get a nasty note from your garbage man, like I did. I don't blame him. That was kinda dumb for me to do that. Who wants to breathe in that charcoal dust that can cause 
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis! I sure don't! 

Bonus question...What is the longest word in the dictionary?

Tuesday Afternoon...I'm Just Beginning To See...Now I'm On My Way

I'm REALLY NOT beginning to see anything, or on my way to anywhere, but since it's Tuesday afternoon, I thought I would share the first few words from one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands that I saw LIVE 3 times! 

Yes! I was alive when I saw them! 

What band? I can't believe that some of you don't know the band that did Tuesday Afternoon! 

Here's A Hint

No matter. Twas a long time ago! We're talking (gulp) one year shy of 50 years ago since the Boody Mules recorded this masterpiece! 

However, I'm not here to talk about ancient music, anyway. It's the MESSAGE of the song that matters!

The message is that ANY day, even Tuesday, can be a great day if we take the time to enjoy it, and concentrate on the good things about our lives!

Tuesday Weld

Sure, it's easy to dwell on our bills, low paying jobs, poor health, wrinkles, the world going nuts, those added pounds, rotten teeth, leaking faucets, losing our hair, the heartbreak of psoriasis, painful tingling in our toes, and much, much more...but how futile that would be! Right?

Negative thinking makes us sick, physically and mentally. All kinds of studies have proved this! 

There was a study done in Bern Switzerland, by the renowned human behavior doctors, Quakenbush and Pugh, who came to the conclusion that good thoughts (especially on a Tuesday) will contribute to 98.6% better health in rats! (The study was done on rats, not humans)

You're probably thinking, how do they know if rats are having good thoughts or bad thoughts? 

The rats were studied during mating season...but since this is a family friendly blog, we will not get into details.

Let's just say that happy rats are healthy rats, and happy humans are healthy humans!

Not that we are suggesting you do the same thing that made the rats happy, but WHATEVER makes us happy will contribute to our health and well being! Even on Tuesday!!

Chocolate is good on a Tuesday, puppies make us happy on a Tuesday, this also goes for Wheel Of Fortune, receiving our tax refund, listening to the Boody Mules, winning the lottery, dancing like nobody's watching ('cause nobody is), eating ice cream and I could go on and on and on...but you already know that, don't you?

It's true that chocolate and ice cream do not add a lot to our PHYSICAL health, but they do WONDERS for our MENTAL health! So go for it! (moderation being the key~yeah right)

I hope I didn't misspell any words, because when I use a red background, the red spell check line is invisible. 

What am I doing? It's Tuesday! I ain't gonna worry about ANYTHANG today!!!

My Annual Review Of The Oscars

The Red Carpet part was kind of boring. The awards ceremony was REALLY boring, except for that "Shallow" song....

Melissa McCarthy's wild outfit...

and, to be honest, I fell asleep during the awards for make up, set direction, catering, cinnamontography, and other stuff we don't care about...

Dictionary result for 

...and I didn't wake up until the whole shebang was over, like I do every year. 

How's about youze guys? 

What stood out to you?

The outfits? 

Hey, this pic is from the Golden Globes!

The music?

I mean "Queen"

The host...

If there was absolutely ANY redeeming moment you would like to share about the 2019 Academy Awards, please do so, for the sake of future Oscar watchers who may not REALLY exist.

I slept through a LARGE portion of the show, so feel free to fill me in, if you had the stamina to ride it out to the end! 

Okay, this is the best I can do on a Monday morning, after the "after party" that I don't remember attending, or even being invited to. 

 Alien Abductions Aren't All That Bad 

Alien abductions are generally viewed in a negative light, but Dr. Brahaan Beechaar of South India University has researched alien abductees for over 27 years, and discovered that 98.6 % of  abductees  have experienced an increase in happiness since their close encounters of the 3rd kind. 

Here are a few testimonies from abductees that may surprise you.

Virgil Skrunk...Alien Abductee

Yeah, well, I was kinda shook up when I saw them long robot arms comin' through my window, and I thunk it were a bad dream, until I was pult way up into a funny shaped flyin' thing that was shaped kinda like a Kaiser blade, some call it a sling blade, but I say Kaiser blade, uh hum. 

I thunk they were gonna probe me, but instead they took me to this place that were kinda hunky dory, and made me feel happier than a hound dog on a possum and brung me back home.

Desiree Kittenton...Alien Abductee

I was, like, walking out of the mall, feeling, like,  jelly of my BFF, because she, like, totally grabbed the purse I, you know, NEEDED to buy for the concert, when, like, a UFO, like, just stopped over my head, and a big metal grippy thing came down and, you know, took me inside.

When "they", you know, brought me home, I, like, was at peace, you know, with EVERYBODY, even with Meghan, who, like, took my fav lip gloss. 

Bill Stewart...Alien Abductee

I was the quintessential crabby old man, who never wanted kids on my lawn, griped about my service at restaurants, and didn't even enjoy puppies. 

After the aliens abducted and re-programmed me, I started a daycare business, leave large tips at restaurants, never complain, and have become the president of the ASPCA! 

Wow! Weren't those testimonials out of this world? So much so, I wrote the following song!