Toilet Paper Wars!
Who woulda thunk that plain ole toilet paper would become a rare commodity in the year of 2020 Ano Domini?
The TP shelves at all the major stores are as barren as the Sahara Desert on a really hot day!
If this crazy crap (no pun intended) doesn't stop, we'll be trading TP like gold ingots, in all those Apocalypse kind of movies!
Folks will be hijacking semi-trucks hauling loads of TP!
The Toilet Paper Rebellion will be the end of civil society, and anarchy will prevail!!
It will be like...
Dealer - "Psst. Hey dude! I got some primo butt wipe in my bag, man."
Anonymous citizen - "Two ply?"
Dealer - "Right on, man! Only the best for my fragile fannied friends!"
Anonymous citizen - "How much, "friend."
Dealer - "For you...two Benjamin's a four pack."
Anonymous citizen - "Okay. We both know you're rippin' me off, but what choice do I have, you greedy slimeball!"
TP dealer with individual baggies of TP.
Of course, we can follow the French model, and attach a bidet to our toilets! We could eliminate TP altogether!
I don't know if I'm just imaginating bad things, but I always picture a nasty, wet mess, after I install my bidet incorrectly! I know I'd screw it up!
Back to "bathroom tissue," as they used to call it in the TV commercials.
Smuggling TP across the border will soon be a critical problem for the Border Patrol! Black market TP will be the "cash cow" for sneaky little smugglers who plan on wiping up the desperate folks who still yearn for their poo poo paper!
No need for desperation, my friends! Just about ANY relatively soft stuff can be used as TP!
How many remember corn cobs? I do! First you use a red one, then you use a white one to see if you need another red one.
Other items include, Sears catalogs (if any still exist), newspapers (if any still exist), old socks, rags, Kleenex, leaves are always handy, and the way, THEY SAY, some folks in far away lands do it...which I ain't gonna discuss!!
So please refrain from fighting in the TP Wars!
You'll probably not find any anyway. Although my wife found a BIG stash in an undisclosed area here in Pekin! She has sworn to keep it a secret, which is all the better for us! Sorry if I'm being asinine!
