The REAL Christopher Columbus Revealed
There are two schools of thought regarding the life and legend of Christopher Columbus.
1. A brave hero who was financed by Queen Isabella to sail three ships across the Atlantic Ocean and discover America.
2. A greedy businessman who never REALLY discovered America at all, but took the credit for it.
I know I didn't include details like, Leif Erickson, cannibal activities, diseases that wiped out millions of Native Americans, and other incidental atrocities... but we are searching for the total TRUTH...tootsie.
Our researchers have found that "Christopher Columbus" was actually born, Bernie Blatz, but later changed his name to Christopher Columbus, because it sounded much cooler.
Can you imagine Americans celebrating Blatz day? No pazazz whatsoever!
WHAT?!!
In addition, Bernie was not Italian at all, he had a German father and Mongolian mother, who both loved Lasagna, which led to the misconception that they were an Italian family.
Of course, none of this matters, in light of the fact that American holidays are just an excuse to get off work, drink excessively, and argue over useless information from long past history, like the Cardinals/Red Sox World Series of 2004.
Back to our riveting account!
Now, Bernie..er...uh...I mean, Christopher Columbus loved to gamble...big time!
As with ALL gamblers, he had to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...and he owed so many gambling debts he decided to RUN!!!
So with a little help from his gal friend, Izzy Bella, a local dance hall girl...he booked passage on a ship that was going to Liechtenstein...a simple 3 hour tour...a 3 hour tour...
The ship got blown off course, a bit, and ended up in almost America, which is close enough for historians and tellers of tales.
Well, that's it! Ain't history great?
Especially when we can make it up as we go along, like historians have done for eons upon eons.
What's an eon, you ask?
e·on
ˈēən,ˈēˌän/
noun
- an indefinite and very long period of time, often a period exaggerated for humorous or rhetorical effect.
- Wasn't this fun? Let's do this again REAL SOON, but without all the hysterical stuff...I mean...historical stuff.
- Here is something I'll ALWAYS remember from my school days..."Columbus sailed the deep blue sea in fourteen hundred ninety three!" I hope this helps you youngsters out there.
