TRAVELIN' TUESDAYS
TRAVELIN' TUESDAYS
Everything you’ve been waiting for is right here, at last!
Whew boy. What a relief. No more waiting.
But first, I want you to picture this in your mom.
A perfect world. No, not A “Whole New World” like in the Little Mermaid. A world in which all inhabitants are happy and at peace with one another. No crime, violence, cruelty, cereal killers ( Although, I wouldn’t mind if someone killed Grape Nuts cereal), preverts or nuttin’ honey.
The afore mentioned PERFECT world would be a great place for hitchin’.
On the other hand, you would have to be a total nutcase to start hitchin’ NOW , in this viscious, hate filled, a.b. normal 21st century!
Since everyone who reads my blog IS a nutcase, we will proceed.
To begin with, hitchin’ requires lots and lots of walking.
Why? You ask, with that stupid look on your face.
Well, it’s because there are good places to hitch and bad places to hitch, you silly knuckleheads!
Some of the bad places are in front of a mental hospital, prison, or rehab center; in a sloppy, muddy area, or where there is no room for someone to pull over; and on an unlit street corner in the “baddest part of town” at 1:30 A.M. with an axe in your hand; and I’m not talking about a guitar!
Sooooo, you will be required to WALK to a good area for hitchin’. Even if you have to walk halfway across town, it’s worth it.
Some of the GOOD places for hitchin’ would be in front of a non-denominational church or Bible college, or where it’s easy for a driver to pull over, and it’s not muddy or dusty; and where there are lots of flowers in the background, if possible.
A veterans hospital is good, but you better really be a veteran! ( Don’t try to fake out a veteran that offers you a ride; It’s not possible)
Like I said, make sure your background is one that is totally non- threatening and aesthetically pleasing. ( Did I mention that flowers are a good backdrop?) Yes, a safe, welcoming environment that fools, uh, I mean, invites folks to stop and give you a lift.
Make sure your backround is not dark and sinister, graffiti filled, terrifying, dirty, or a questionable institution, business or Mafia headquarters.
Hitchin’ can be very ecsausting, or is it exhausting; any way, it makes you plumb tuckered!
So why waste your energy hitchin’ on cars and other vehicals that will never pick you up? Why get up and flash your sign to “no-way-hosay” drivers?
Here is a short list of cars and drivers that 99.7% of the time are going to ignore even the best hitchers, like me:
1. Fancy Schmancy cars like Rolls Royce’s and Bentleys.
2. Sports cars, like Vetts, Lambourghinis, and Jag-U-ars. (That’s the way the dude says it in the commercials).
3. Hot chicks; Only in the movies, bro.
4. Semi’s; Against company policy. (Another, only in the movies; unless you find a crazy, rogue driver with a death wish, willing to throw caution to the wind, and risk his pension that he’s waited 40 years to cash in on. (Or, if you're a hot babe!)
Don’t waste your energy on the afore mentioned drivers and vehicles.
If, by some miracle, one of them picks you up, well, just count your lucky stars, my friend, count your lucky stars! ( What does that mean, anyway)?
You need to give your full undivided attention to the cars, drivers and trucks most likely to give you the ride your little heart desires so eagerly.
Pick up trucks are real good for rides. If they don’t have room in the front, they’ll almost always let you ride in the truck bed. (That way, you can also get some un-bumpity bumpity, disturbed-bumpity bumpity, sleep-bumpity bumpity bumpity!)
Don’t complain if there are a few chickens, pigs or stinking manure back there. You don’t want to jeopardize a good lift.
Dirty, beat up, ugly vehicals are probably your best opportunity for a ride. The drivers are usually very cool, down to earth, nice; and they don’t care if your filthy, smelly body screws up their interior.
Soooo, in review. If you see a pickup truck ( especially an old one), or a nasty, junked up, beat up, disgusting car; what do you do?
Right! Very good! You jump to your feet, hold your sign high, and put that pitiful look on your face.
What pitiful look?
What do you mean, what pitiful look? I told you about the pitiful look, didn’t I? Wow! Sorry! The pitiful look is one of the most important things about hitchin’!
It’s the same look you get from your unbelievably adorable 4 year old when he/she wants something REALLY bad.
It’s the look your doggy gives you when he/she wants a treat REALLY bad.
It’s the look you get on your face when Angelina Jolie calls and says she’s coming over and then cancels! ( Of course, this all depends on your gender, uh, or maybe not. Oh, I don’t know).
Furthermore, you do NOT, I repeat, NOT want to stand there with a stupid smile on your face OR a mean angry frown. Either one turns people away, unless they’re psychos, and who wants to ride with a psycho, except for me? ( Hey, lets face it; they’re more interesting than accountants).
Uh, oh! I hope I didn’t offend any accountants! I just had a scary thought. What if I offended PSYCHO accountants! How scary is that? Pretty damn scary, if you ask me!
O.K. So here is a good “snapshot”, shall we say, of what the perfect hitchin” scenario would be; You are standing by a big Olympic Stadium with a gold medal around your neck in front of a flower garden, in a wide clean area that has lots of room for a vehical to pull over, with a pitiful look on your face, holding a sign, wearing non-threatening clothing, ignoring the fancy schmancy vehicles and zeroing in on the filthy junky cars and picks-em-up trucks.
Questions? Go and watch “It Happened One Night”, with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert. (She was soooo cute!) All you need to know about hitchin’ is in that wonderful movie.
What? You thought there would be more? You want some more? ( “Please, Sir, I want some more.”-“YOU WANT SOME MORE?”-Oliver Twist).
Well, “that’s all folks!” Remember, hitchin’ ain’t brain surgery.
