ST. LOUIS SUNDAYS
Actual photo of Holy Guardian Angels Church.
Holy Guardian Angels.
Holy Angels. Where I was baptized, attended funerals, got married (a number of times), and even preached sermons. All that, and I’m not even Catholic.
Holy Guardian Angels Catholic Church was right across the alley, just a “stones throw” away. (To use a Biblical term.)
It was gorgeous. Built of some kind of red stone with white trimmings. It was a glorious playhouse for us kids. An enchanted castle a few steps from our back door.
Remember when Dorothy, the Tin Man, Straw Man, and Lion Man got to the Emerald City? Good. Remember the big doors? Remember the little man, who was really the same guy as the wizard, who was really Frank Morgan who came to the door? Forget him!
It’s the doors we are trying to recall. Anyway, the doors of Holy Angels were as big as those doors in the “Wizard of Oz.
“At least, they seemed that big. Maybe they weren't as big as we thought. We were all under three feet tall when we played there. Kind of like Munchkins.
(As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined her.
And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.)
The door was always unlocked, or maybe it didn't even have a lock. My ornery, red-haired sister was the only one with the courage to push the door open and lead us in.
Mean Little Red Haired Sister in the bibs, right behind me in the front! She was actually a bit older than me.
Then came the real test. Being able to walk past the dead, bleeding, gazing statues to the altar. It was so cool!
Dark, eerie, candles burning, the ultimate spook-house! (Catholics, please don’t be offended. We were only babies.)
Also, I almost forgot this part, we would stick our fingers in the holy water and chant, “holy moly in the moly, holy moly in the moly.” (Hey, what do you want from pre-schoolers?)
We would have pretend, baptisms, weddings, funerals, and take turns being the priest. It’s a good thing no one ever came in there when we were playing. It would have scared the pee out of us!
However, I do remember one time leaving the church and a bright light appeared in the sky. A voice came out of the light. Yea, I think it was an angel’s voice.
We were told many wonderful things. All about------Oh, excuse me. Wasn’t that the Fatima thing? On rare occasions I lose my vice-like grip on reality and my mind floats off to Fantasy Island. (The plane! The plane! Shut up Tattoo. You sawed off runt.)
Now that I’ve alienated all the Catholics, let’s try the
Mormons. They’re always good for a chuckle. Hey, I’m only foolin! Was that the soprano section of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir you were with last night, or was that your wives? Hoo, hoo! I apologize, but I couldn’t help myself.
If science could develop a way to combine the brains of physicians with Jehovah’s Witnesses, we would have doctors that make house calls. Ho, boy! Don’t stop me cause I’m on a scroll!
Why did the Pentecostal go to the hog farm? He wanted to praise the lard!
How many evangelists does it take
to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and the other to take up a collection.
You think all the other religious
jokes were hilarious? No? Well, this one will kill you! Are you ready? I’m not kidding! Here goes! Be prepared to laugh your “you know what” off! I hope you have health insurance ‘cause this is fun---ny! So, here it is now! The Amish. That’s it. They're just a funny little group!
Oh, don’t worry. The beauty of making fun of the Amish is they will never know about it! No T.V., no radio, no newspapers, no worldly books.
Watch this. Amish wear funny clothes, Amish wear funny clothes! (Sung to Nya-nya-nya -nya- nya.) See. No retaliation or nuthin.
Let's try this, Amish have funny beards, even some of the women have funny beards too! (Sung to nya-nya-nya-nya-nya.) Look around, no Amish demonstrations, no Amish thugs knocking on my door, no Amish snipers waiting to waste me when I go to the drugstore, no Amish phone calls---excuse me, it’s the phone...
Hi, I’m back.
The Amish are a strong, spiritual, hard working people who live a lifestyle that keeps them free from the corrupting influence of modern society. I’ve also recently learned that when they get ticked off, they are willing to stick their pitchfork where it will need to be surgically removed; and did you know they can take buildings apart as fast as they put them up? I found that out. Yep, yep I did all right. The Amish are really cool. I know that now.
