TRAVELIN' TUESDAYS

I devote Travelin' Tuesdays to stories about the times I traveled across the highways and byways of this place I like to call America.

Circa 1971, we stumbled upon a flyer that was pinned to a bulletin board in a "head shop:"

ROCK AND ROLL FESTIVAL

ON DOC LOVE'S FARM

Punjab, Missouri

July 4th

The James Gang

The Flock

Black Oak Arkansas

Edgar Winter's White Trash Band

Ted Nugent and the Amboy Dukes

Just a little disclaimer: I made up the name of the town, because I really can't remember, also  the date, and all of the groups, except for the James Gang. Thanks for your cooperation!

All I knew is that I wanted to see the James Gang, with Joe Walsh!

I absolutely loved their song, "Walk Away!"

Remember?

Takin' my time 

Choosin' my lines 
Try'n' to decide what to do 
Looks like my stop 
Don't wanna get off 
Got myself hung up on you 

Seems to me 
You don't wanna talk about it 
Seems to me 
You just turn your pretty head and walk away 

You don't remember? Okay here it is:

We were going!!

Was there ever any doubt? 

Yasgur's Farm...I mean...Doc Love's Farm...festival...The James Gang...What's not to 

love!!

Two days before the festival, we gathered all of our camping equipment (a ragged old pup tent, and a rusty Coleman lantern), and headed out for Yasgu...I mean...Doc Love's Farm, to beat the crowds.

My friend, Spanky, had a classic 57 Oldsmobile with a multi-colored butterfly painted on the entire hood of the car to make the historic trip.

Here's what it looked like, minus the butterfly:

Punjab (remember, not the REAL name of the town) was south of St. Louis, not far from the famous, Meramec Caverns, and we were sore excited when we arrived! 

We saw an old geezer sitting on a bench in front of the "General Store," and asked him if he knew where Doc Love's farm was located.

Now, bear in mind ( no, there are no bears in this story), we were a carload of long haired, hippy freaks, in a car with a pink, blue, and yellow butterfly on the hood, and we were used to getting evil stares, and verbal abuse from old dudes.

However, this guy was very cooperative!

He thought for a second, scratched his head, spit out some tobacco, and slowly said:

"Oh, Doc Love's place? Where they're havin' that hippy jamboree?" ( We shook our heads, yes) "Here's whatya do!"

"Ya goes down this road about two mile, and you'll see a farm with a red barn, ya don't stop there, ya jus keeps on goin' about 5 mile, 'till ya see a railroad crossin', and a road arunnin' along side it, ya takes that road to the right for about 6 mile, and you'll get to a crik, now, if the criks got too much water, you'll have to turn around until ya reach highway K, and makes a left, and then you'll see a place with a hound dog in the yard, and that's ole Doc Love's Farm."

Needless to say, we became hopelessly lost, sooo, we saw another old dude leaning on a fence post, and we asked him how to get to Doc Love's place for the rock festival.

He was chewin' on a weed, so he talked out of the corner of his mouth, when he said:

"Ya goes down this road about two mile, and you'll see a farm with a red barn, ya don't stop there, ya jus keeps on goin' about 5 mile, 'till ya see a railroad crossin', and a road arunnin' along side it, ya takes that road to the right for about 6 mile, and you'll get to a crik, now, if the criks got too much water, you'll have to turn around until ya reach highway K, and makes a left, and then you'll see a place with a hound dog in the yard, and that's ole Doc Love's Farm."

Now, this happened to us about 5 times until we realized these old guys were yankin' our string, and didn't want us to get to the festival! ( Don't forget, our senses, judgement, and perception of reality had been dulled by the abuse of drugs, that I strongly recommend you kids should avoid at all costs!! Especially, if you're trying to find Doc Love's Farm!)

                This is your brain on drugs!                  

Miraculously, we eventually found the place, and immediately set up camp, RIGHT BEHIDE THE STAGE!!!

How cool is dat, brothers and sisters!!!

We are so psyched about this festival, and have the time of our lives for two days, awaiting the arrival of the James Gang...James Gang...JamesGang...those were echoing James Gang's for effect.

The morning arrives!! 

 GREAT DAY IN THE MORNIN" CHILDREN!!

People are arriving, trucks, motor homes, helicopters, and it is just like Woodstock, man!! (I wasn't at Woodstock, but I saw the movie)

The time has come, and we are about to burst from exhilerated excitement!!!

Someone is walking toward us! Is it the James Gang, with Joe Walsh? Edgar Winter? Ted Nugent?

No! None of the above. It is a "brute squad" ( like in The Princess Bride movie) to come and kick us off the property, so we can wait in the endless line and buy tickets like everyone else!

This is a true story, and to tell you the truth, I really don't remember being at the festival after that.

My friends told me I was there, and had a good time, but I honestly don't remember seeing the James Gang, or ANYBODY!

See, kids! 

See what you miss out on by engaging in recreational drugs?

You miss out on the James Gang, kids!!

The legendary, awe inspiring, James Gang!!

Let this be a lesson to ya!! 

It wasn't for me. HA!

♫ MADNESS MUSIC MONDAYS♪♪

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Another Monday when you are forced to listen to music I've written over the last 100 years! 

What shall it be today, hmmmm?

Me thinks it should be my agonizingly painful country song (with a big C for country), "If You Ain't Been There." YEEEE, HAAAAW!!!

I know what you're thinkin'!

Shoot far, I don't have to listen to this crap! 

I'll just turn my galdurned attention to somethin' else, by crackie! (Why do I have you talkin' like a country guy?)

Ahhh, but that's where I've gotcha, if you don't listen to my stupid song, how you gonna have something to make fun of, and laugh about the rest of the day?

The song begins with an organ sound to make it sound real churchy-like, and then a voice starts talkin', real preacher-like, and gives us the  basic theme-like of the song-like, which is...Don't judge people, rich or poor, because  you don't know what they've gone through in their lives , and you can't read their minds or hearts!

It is kind of like the old song,"Walk A Mile In My Shoes," but totally different!

Yeah, before you  abuse, criticize and accuse, walk a mile in my shoes!

Now, where was I? 

Oh, yeah, my song! 

After the preacher says his worms, you hear a distinct "POP"( that reminds me of a magazine) of a champagne cork, and venture into my song that is designed to make you feel guilty about the bigoted attitude you have toward everyone.

Man, I'm so glad I'm perfect!

The guy in the song (guy part sung by me) is rich, and enjoys all the lifestyles of the rich and famous, and the girl (beautifully sung by Debbie Cannon) is dirt poor, and always struggling for everything.

 Wow! Ain't this gettin' boring?

However, here is the odd, intriguing twist to the song...in real life, I'm the girl!

You see, I've never known anything about drinking champagne whilst flying to Mexico, penthouses, diamond rings, hot tubs, yachts, and fancy things like that!

On the other hand, I know everything about junky old used cars with bad brakes and bald tires, sleepin' on the floor, because there were too many kids to fit in one bed, and having no money.

So, you see, I'm the girl in the song.

Also, if you're perceptive enough, you'll notice I use a lot of play on words thingy's in the song, like bad brakes/bad breaks, no bread/no dough, to stimulate your cerebral cortex.

Okay, Okay! Now here is the coolest part!

Somewhere in the song I ask you,  "Does this song ring a bell? Your life story, does it tell? As you listen to your radio?"

Sooo, you begins to think, well, I've never been on a yacht and been rich, OR, I've never had to sleep on the floor because there were too many kids, and then I say in the song, (TAA DAA!) "Well, I guess if you ain't been there, you don't know!"

Ha Haaa!!

You see?! Do you see now?!!

I'm not as mad as they all say!! I'm not crazy!!!

Nooo, indeed not, my good man!!!

If we have never experienced what another person has, uh, EXPERIENCED, how can we judge them?

Right? Right? 

Anybody? 

Where'd everybody go? 

St. LOUIS SUNDAYS

On St. Louis Sundays I share the adventures I had whilst living in the St. Louis area in my misspent yute. 
A lot of this stuff was written about in my first book (Chickens' Butts And Coconuts), but since it was read by so few, I decided to relive a few of my interesting experiences here on my blob! ♫ It creeps, and leaps, and glides, and slides across the floor, right through the door...♪♪

The Blob by Burt Bacharach

However, today I'm gonna show you how really OLD I am!

I lived in St. Louis:

When we could still go to Sportsman's Park , and watch Stan Musial play baseball.

Before  St. Louis had the Hawks basketball team.

 In 1950, about the same time White Castle raised their price of a hamburger to 10 cents

When the St. Louis Arch didn't exist.

Before St. Louis had the Cardinals FOOTBALL team that began playing at Sportsman's Park in 1960, and practiced in the city park.

When a gallon of gas was about 23 cents.

When men would drive through our neighborhood selling watermelons from a big flatbed truck, and they would "plug 'em" for ya!

When The Forest Park Highlands Amusement Park  was still there, and dancing on the Admiral was THE thing to do on prom night.

Before the Veiled Prophet Parade was considered racist, and elitist.

When we had a milkman from Pevely Dairy.

White in the bottle, pink on the cheeks!

 When there were no laws against riding in a car with no seatbelt, and babies did not have to be in car seats, or strapped in at all!

When, in 1954, the blades of Bevo Mill were damaged by a bad storm.

When Gussie Busch, championship baseball, and beer, were all at their highest level in St. Louis!

BURMA SHAVE

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Gary The Glirkazoid At The Grand Ole Opry, by noted surrealist artist, Danny Madness

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I call this, Congress Is In Session.

Let's call this one, Giant Alien Head Propped Up On Sticks

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     Atlantis suburbs.

The Pleidoisodian Skullworm Cheekin, tastes just like chicken!

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Wooden Ships On The Water Very Free, Easy, You Know The Way It's Supposed To Be

Horned Zylochron Baby, Atop A 5 Eyed Lycykuloou LLama 

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The Future Of The Republican Party

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Hey Horseface!

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The Best Double Date, Ever!

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Marty Wombacher Decides To Drive Home On Sunday Night, For A Change.

                           The Sad Result Of Government Experiments , Having Captured Gray Aliens Mate With Trees.                        

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FAN FRIDAYS

On Fan Fridays I talk about the musicians, singers, comedians, and special people that have enlightened, and inspired me my whole life.

MY AWESOME SISTER DEE-DEE

Dee-dee is the adorable one, in the "bibs," 2nd from the ugly kid in front.

I love and admire my sister Dee-Dee (AKA Paula Diane Maness Tolbert) more than anyone I know, or have ever known.
I don't know what her IQ is, but she knows more about EVERYTHING than anyone I've ever met!

That's probably why we fought like cats and dogs as children, and still do at times.

She was better at just about everything, and it made me feel dumb...Oh, that's right, I AM DUMB!!

On the other hand, we had a great time singing show tunes, doing ittle hand puppet shows for our nieces and nephews (we didn't have puppets, we just used our hands), watching classic movies together, listening to Bill Cosby albums, and "The First Family" albums with Vaughn Meader doing the greatest John F. Kennedy impression! 

However, I have always been good at saying and doing dumb things, making stupid mistakes, and being obnoxious.

Dee-Dee has always been level headed, made wise decisions, was honest, caring, and has ALWAYS helped me in too many ways I can count.

She taught me about so many things and introduced me to so many great people I came to love, like Rodgers and Hammerstein, Katharine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy, Stan Tolbert, Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire...Let's face it, she's the greatest authority I know on all the great classic movies, musicals, music, cartoons, books , world events, t.v .shows, Yule Brynner, etc., etc., etc.

If I ever need to know anything about ANYTHING, she knows the answer, and she has always been there for family members when they were in need! 

I have always been jealous of her intelligence, because she is ALWAYS RIGHT. She doesn't just THINK she is right, she is! And it gets me so ticked off!

Then I always have to "eat crow," because I shot my mouth off again, without thinking.

I really would have a hard time if she was not around to give me security and answer my dumb questions.

Dee-Dee is my greatest hero, teacher, and friend.

If you know Dee-Dee, you know what a kind and loving heart she has, and she has probably helped you at some time.

Let her know how much she means to you.

I try, but I never seem to be able to say the right words.

I love you, my good, brilliant, strong, funny sister,

Danny

                               MIND TO MIND AND HEART TO HEART                        

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2kN95kYT_g