I Believe Algorithms Are My Downfall

For so many moons I have attempted to increase my readership with little to no success.

I've tried to be funny, musical, profound, dramatic, and just plain crazy, to no avail. 

"Why is this hapnin'," I keep axing myself!

Algorithms!!! It's got to be those stinkin' ALGORITHMS!!! 

"What are algorithms," you ask so inquisitively?

Darned if I know! I was hoping you could tell me.

All I know is how folks are always complaining that those wicked algorithms are messin' with their views, or reach, or something.

The way I understand algorithms is that Google, Twitter, Fazebook, even Blogger, look for certain words that trigger a positive or negative response from the afore mentioned platform's automated censors, and they can either limit or increase your readership/viewership according to what is politically correct in their pre- programmed robot brains.

If that's true, I need to stop using "danger" words, and start using acceptable words.

Let's see, some of the words I regularly use are, wacky, zany, Tom, alien, Glirkazoid, gang, dumb, Trump, monkeys, UFO, wow, epitome, Chevy...

So I need to begin using words like climate change, polar bears, global warming, New York, L.A., liberal, peaceful protests, wind energy, choice, LGBTQ, and progressive terms like that.

My popularity will soar to the internet heavens, because the algorithms will be with me!!

Whew! I'm glad I figured that out! I was starting to believe I failed...that I'm boring...folks don't like me...but, AHA, it's been the dastardly algorithms all along!!! 

The Great Debate! I Can't Wait!

Depiction of Lincoln/Douglas debate. 

Not since the historic Lincoln/Douglas debate has a debate been more hysterical historical than tonight's Trump/Biden fiasco free for all, whatever!

I am so prepared to witness this monumental event, that may change the course of histrionics history!

Here's my check list, just to make sure I'm super ready...

Beer ✔

Poke Rinds ✔

TV ✔

Back Up TV ✔

Phone To Call My Liberal Friends ✔

Facebook Page To Make Wisecracks ✔

Jack Daniels, In Case Things Go Bad ✔

My TV Buddy, Chevy Weavy Dog ✔

Some Salami and Sharp Cheddar Cheese, 'Cause I like Salami and Sharp Cheddar Cheese✔ 

I may think of more stuff before 8PM, but I think I can survive the debate with what's on my list.

If you can think of anything to add, let me know!

Out Of This World Wednesday

When we last peered in on our beloved "guardians of the galaxies," Gary and Rosie, their trusty spazeship, the Silver Sausage, had been struck by a small asteroid, and now, after a bit of unconsciousness, they find themselves waking up in a paradise-like garden to the sound of the sweetest music, playing in the distance. 

Gary - "Wha-what happen?"

Rosie - "The trusty Silver Sausage spazeship was blammed by a miniscule asteroid, and now we are waking up in this paradisaic garden, Gary.

Gary - "What kind of garden?"

Rosie - "Paradisaic. You know, like a paradise, or heaven."

Gary - "You mean, we died in that crash, and we are in the "good place?" I never thought I'd make it to the "good place," and walk the streets of gold, fly with the angels, meet the Big Guy, play a harp, sing in the heavenly choir..."

Rosie - "Shut up, Gary! I did not say we are in heaven! This place just LOOKS like heaven! We may have been transported, somehow, to a planet that resembles paradise, smells like paradise, sounds like paradise, and has that peaceful feeling of paradise."

Gary - "Sure, Rosie. You're just in denial, like Cleopatra. Get it? In da Nile? Anyway, admit it! We died and went to heaven, there's no other explanation!!"

Rosie - There's ALWAYS another explanation, Gary! This is syfy, remember?"

Gary - "This is what?"

Rosie - "Never mind. You wouldn't understand. Changing the subject, for the sake of my sanity, I'm gonna do some scouting of this bizarre, paradisaic place, and take a look-see, like the old scouts in the western movies from Earth."

Gary - "Okay, but I'm stayin' here and wait for Morgan Freeman or George Burns to come by in a chariot and take me to my mansion in the sky."

Rosie - "Good grief!"

Could it be true? Ancient alien theorists say, YES! Of course, ancient alien theorists are idiots! 

Join us next Wednesday to learn more info about this mysterious, paradisaic place, here at....

The Truth Behind Trump And Aliens!

I actually have no truth about Trump and aliens. I used a technique called clickbate.

Clickbate is making up a fake headline to lure unsuspecting victims to click on to your blog, or website, or YouTube channel, or whatever. 

It worked! You're here! 

Of course, I could have gone on ahead and fabricated a story about how Donald John Trump has been secretly meeting with mysterious aliens in a secret "cone of silence" beneath the White House for 17 months, but you wouldn't believe me, would you?

I could spread the rumor that D.J. Trump has made an alliance with the Universal Intergalactic Space Command, which required him to create the Space Force, a new branch of the military we laugh about, but a vital service that will save our planet in the near future!

It really doesn't matter what subject you use as clickbate, as long as it's about stuff folks are interested in at this very moment in time, like wearing masks or not (NO, not Halloween masks), Elon Musk stuff, Elvis sightings, John Lennon's 80th birdsday, Murder Hornets, Russian spies, Chinese hackers, ANYTHANG about puppies or kittens, or baby otters, and you get the point. 

I hope you get the point. If you don't get the point, then why do I exist? 

Do I exist? Can I prove it? 

Heck no! So, what's the point? 

Just say, "shut up, Danny!"

 Funny Friday Fictional Fables...

that may be true! 

Once again, the magnificent, iconic, Greg and Dan Radio Extravaganza played a goofy song I wrote! They are the coolest! Here it is, below...

I know that a lot of you guys...and gals, think I'm making up the story about being on the radio, because I'm a well known liar, but the above clip is proof of me telling the truth, unless it's all FAKED!

Speaking of faked, I'm sharing one of my most iconic videos that includes controversial footage of a UFO...REAL or FAKE...you decide....

This stupid video has 1,600 views! Go figure!

I'm making a prediction on the 2020 presidential election...going out on a limb...risking my reputation...taking that leap of faith...

...it will be...

Pat Paulsen will be the man for the job! 

 Just listen to this dynamic leader on gun control...it's totally hilarious!!!

Did you listen? Then, why do I take the tom to look this funny stuff up? 

Tom Petty is the Tom who looked it up for me! Seriously! 

Well, actually it was his disembodied spirit, but that's cool. 

What? You don't believe in ghosts? 

These paranormal shows are so FAKE, and easy to produce!

Find a creepy old house, turn off the lights, and have a stagehand make sounds in the dark, so you can say, "what wazzat?" 

"Can you talk to us, spirit?"

Stagehand moans, "yessssssssssssssssssssss!" 

I guess these tv folks are smarter than me, they're making millions from this crap, and I'm a pauper.

It seems I have rambled too much, 'cause I'm a ramblin' man, from Pakistan, and I'm a fan of Kukla and Fran...and Ollie! Especially Ollie!

 

Have a marvelous weekend friends!

Out Of This World Wednesday

Flesh Or Fruit, Meats Or Beets?

 

Gary - "So, Rosie. Once again we are zooming across spaze in our Silver Sausage spazeship to Oxykranious, to stop the warring factions that could cause the destruction of that mineral rich planet."

The magnificent Silver Sausage Spazeship!

Rosie - "Mineral rich planet? Really! Is that all you care about? What about the innocent life forms that will be emulsificated over that stupid issue?!"

First working model of emulsificator weapon, circa 222 milleniups.

Gary - "Yeah, them too, but it's not a stupid issue! The krazy plant eating Okykranians are trying to stop the intelligent flesh eating Oxykranians from, uh, eating flesh! It's a big deal, for real!!"

Rosie - "Pay attention to your driving, Gary!! We barely missed a giant asteroid!! Where was I? Oh, yeah, I agree with the plant eating Oxykranians! How gross it is to eat dead flesh!"

Gary - "That's where you're mistaken, Rosie! They mostly eat live, squirming flesh. As fresh as when they crawled out from under a rock, or wiggled through the sludge of the bottom of an Oxykranian sea."

Rosie - "Oh gag! ANYWAY, we need to get there soon, before they totally destroy each other...

Gary - "AND obliterate their mineral rich planet."

Rosie - "Good grief! Gary, I don't...

BLAM!!! At that, the iconic Silver Sausage spazeship is struck, or is that stricken, by a speeding asteroid, and our heroes are bounced around the spazeship like a pin ball!

Included this GIF for the kids who don't know what a pin ball is.

As if any kids read my blog. Ha ha!

Everything goes completely black, and then we see, in the next scene,  Gary and Rosie sleeping in a beautiful, paradisaic garden. 

What happened? How did they end up in that paradisaic garden? 

Could it be the unthinkable has happened?

Will Oxykranious ever be saved?

Is Out Of This World Wednesday gone forever?

Probably not. Sorry.