WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN,WHY, HOW,

WEDNESDAYS!!

This is the test from the end of my best smelling book..."Hitchin', God's Way Of Letting You Know You Don't Have A Car."

WARNING!!!

Do not attempt to answer them!!

They will definitely fry your little brain!!!

Just enjoy.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Now, echoing Ha Ha's like in a horror flick!

HA HA HA HA HAHA HAAAAA!!!

Comprehensive Test On The Whole “Cockadoodie” Book!

Circle the correct answer. ( No, not with your pen. I want you to physically walk around it in a circle, knucklehead!)

A. Gregatton is a giant, ruthless, God-like, tyrannical, grotesque, alien creature that thirsts for human blood.
B. Greggatton is cute.

A. A real and true hippy could be described as a hard working, 40 hour week kind of guy/girl.
B. A real and true hippy avoided work like Maynard G. Krebs. (WORK!)

A. The words Los Angelos and Las Vegas sound very similar.
B. You’d have to be a stupid idiot to hear Los Angelos and think you heard Las Vegas.

A. Adam Lambert is a human life form.
B. Adam Lambert is an alien life form from a planet called Lolalykesymunkowl.

A. Tony Dow is the greatest American actor.
B. Tony Dow invented oven cleaner.

A. Richie Havens is the greatest singer of all time.
B. Joni Mitchell is the greatest singer, songwriter, artist; EVERYTHING, JUST EVERYTHING WONDERFUL! She’s not bad, for a girl. (I love you, Joni! Why haven’t you called me?)
C. All of the above.

MULTIPLES OF CHOICE QUESTIONS
( WOW! What a diverse final exam!)
Put a check next to the correct answer. And make it out to Danny Maness. I.D. will be required. Thank you.

One of the most important pieces of equipment for hitchin’ is: 
A. An accordian. (No, but that would be cool.)
B. A sign. (Hint; This is the correct answer.)
C. Moose antlers. (Another cool idea!)
D. Old VHS of Mr. Magoo portraying Scrooge, and as everybody knows; The voice of Mr. Magoo was hilariously done by Jim Backus, who also played “the rich guy” on Gilligan’s Island, and that cartoon “virgin” of A Christmas Carol was actually very good.

What is the galaxy in which we earthlings are located?
A, The Milky Way.
B. The Snickers.
C. The Ford 500.
D. The Wilbur Fodnick.

Which chapter of the book was your favorite?
A. The Sojourn Ends and begins and ends and begins………
B. The San Francisco Kid.
C. The Glirkazoids
D. More Beer For Pattonville High.
E. They were all crappy.


Name the cutest, sweetest girl in the whole history of the Pattonville R3 School District:
A. Gayle McCormick ( Class of 66; Sang “Baby It’s You” with a band named “Smith.” REALLY!)
B. Delma Kirkland
C. Janice Puckett
D. Jennifer Corbin
E. Vicki Bumpus
F. Charlyn Wilcox ( Hint; Pick this one!)

The greatest coach at Pattonville was:
A. Coach Hitler.
B.Coach Stalin.
C.Coach Lucifer.
D. Coach Beck. ( Who also held the shot-putt record at Ritenor High School for over 100 years or something like that.)

What is the best way to keep from falling asleep when you’re trying to stay awake, drive and survive alive?
A. Chewing gum.
B. Rolling down the window.
C. Turning the radio up, full blast.
D. Forget it. Nuthin’ works!

A tee shirt with the cover picture of “Chicken’s Butts and Coconuts” on the front and the cover picture of “Hitchin’ on the back, would be:
A. Awesome.
B. Stupid.
C. Weird.
D. Something I would order as gifts for all my dear friends and family members. Maybe I’ll order 500 to begin with.

UNDERLINE TRUE OR FALSE

(No, not here, silly. Down below where the questions are.)

1. My big brother, Dave, was Mr. St. Louie. True or False.  (It’s false. He was Mr. St. LOUIS; No self-respecting St. Louisian calls it St. Louie, Louie!)

2. The song “Follow”, sung by Richie Havens, puts the author of this book “THERE. True or False. (Take a wild guess.)

3. The song, “Winchester Cathedral” can make the author of this book physically sick. ( You’re kidding me, right? Then go listen to the “cockadoodie” song, dumbhead!)

4. Reading this book wasted 3 hours and 55 minutes of your valuable time. True or False. ( Hey! It’s not my fault you read so slow.)

5. White Castle Hamburgers are better now than they were in 1956. True or False. ( Yes, I Do  remember 1956, and I also remember White Castle Hamburgers priced at 5 cents.)

6. The refreshing liquid prohibited at Pattonville football practices was Dom Perignon 1975. True or False ( Hint; We gradumagated in 1968.)

7. Rick Robberson knocked me on my “assk me now no questions” and I deserved it. True or False.

FILL IN THE BLANKS
(This is a really, really diverse test. Don’t you think?)
(Yes, This is DI-Verse test I’ve ever taken! BA-DUM!)

1. The periscope-like device used to STARE at earthlings by the Glirkazoids is known as a _____________. (Hint; Rhymes with periscope.)

2.One of the most hated things about Hitchin’ are the sharp tiny_______ that pelt unprotected parts of my body as if I was  being tortured with nasty little needles.

3. Russell Rue had a voice that sounded exactly like E____F_____.

4. This test is really______! ( Who wrote LAME?)

5. Without a doubt, this is the funniest book ever written. The second funniest is C_______B____and C_________.

6. The author of this book is totally_______! ( Go ahead. I can take it.)

AGREE OR DISAGREE

( Black out the word you DON’T  want as an answer; This leaves the correct answer out in plain sight, which makes grading a hell of a lot easier.)

1. “The Jerk” is the best movie ever made. Agree or Disagree.

2. The game that Glirkazoids live for is called “The Game.” Agree or Disagree.

3. This book is dedicated to Greg Batton, the greatest superstar of talk radio in the whole wide worm! Agree or Disagree. ( Now, don’t “DIS” my buddy “pard.”)

4. I don’t care what bigoted idiots say about “Ellen”, she’s FUNNY!  Agree or Disagree.

5. When I go to heaven, the dog I loved as a child will be there to greet me. Agree or Disagree.

6. Only wealthy people can afford to go to professional sporting events anymore. Agree or Disagree. (Sad, isn’t it.)

7. Stand up comics never curse. Agree or Disagree.

8. Baby kittens are ugly. Agree or Disagree.

9. People either love cats or hate them, there’s no in between. Agree or Disagree. (I  personally think cats are cool.)

10. If I  take a close look at a Praying Mantis (No, not Maness) it appears to be a creepy terrifying alien creature that can turn it’s horrible head and give me the evil eye! Agree or Disagree. 

11. Biting into a Popsicle stick sends chills up my spine. Agree or Disagree. (Well, it does me.) 

12. I LOVE  hearing people pop their knuckles. Agree or Disagree.

13. Professional athletes don’t make enough money. Agree or Disagree.

14. The sound of someone scraping their fingernails on a chalkboard is soothing. Agree or Disagree.

15. Pit Bulls are bad dogs. Agree or Disagree. (Hint; There is no such thing as a bad dog; Just bad owners.)  

16. Giraffs are cool. Agree or Disagree.

17. Pepsi is the best soda. Agree or Disagree.

18. Coke is the best soda. Agree or Disagree.

19. Soda will kill me. Agree or Disagree.

20. The only reason I  watched “Family Matters” was to see Steve Urkel. Agree or Disagree.

21. Clowns make me happy. Agree or Disagree.

22. Clowns terrify me.   Agree or Disagree.

23. My favorite “Charlie’s Angel” was Sabrina.  Agree or Disagree. 

My REAL favorite.

24. Joni Mitchell AND Richie Havens would probably find me boring.  Agree or Disagree.


ESSAY QUESTION
( I always hated essay questions.  Agree or Disagee.)

Write 500 words on why you love Sarah Palin on the palm of your hand. ( NO!  I didn’t mean she would be sitting on.…never mind.)

BONUS ASSIGNMENT
(10,000 Points)

Make a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich without thinking about Elvis. (Thank you very much.)

TIMES UP! 

Put down your pencils, tear the completed test out of your book and send it to me for grading.

TRAVELIN' TUESDAYS

On this 26th day of March, 2013, the year of our Lord, I'm sharing a portion of my book..."Hitchin'...God's Way Of Letting You Know You Don't Have A Car."


CHAPTER 5
THE SAN FRANCISCO KID

If you’re going to San Francisco,
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair,
If you’re going to San Francisco,
You’re gonna find some gentle people there.
( I love that song! It puts me “THERE!”)

Don't miss this clip..it's cool!

Sooooo, there I was, a few miles from San Francisco, with the afore mentioned song continuously looping in my brain.
“Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.”

Now, picture me on the shoulder of the road with my San Francisco sign in my hand, singing those worms over and over again and guess what I see?

WOW! I don’t know why everybody says you’re so dumb!

That’s right. Flowers!
Great day in the mornin'!
I’m not sure if they were really flowers, though.
They may have been weeds that looked like flowers.
Some were purkle, no, maybe periwinkle blue.

They had a round head and were kind of stickly and prickly.

The other flowers/weeds were yellow with windmill style petals. ( You ex-"flower children" can email me and tell me what they were.: teddybear2004@comcast.net. Sorry, no book critiques accepted.)



O.K. You will not believe what happened next.
It was a semi-miracle and I'm sharing it with you out of the goodness of my heart.
Ready?

Alright! Lets roll wit it!
As soon as I stick about 40 of these flowers/weeds in my hair ( Remember, I had real fuzzy, curly hair) a car stops!
It was a Robin's Egg Blue, 58 Oldsmobile with a big yellow butterfly painted on the hood.

The driver was wearing a "tie-dye" shirt, bell bottoms, a vest, sandals, and guess what?
Good guess.
A wreath of blue and white flowers in his hair. ( He smelled good, too.)
He was soooo nice to me!
Arguably, nicer than any dude has ever been to me.
He complimented me on my flowers/weeds, and even told me I had good skin.
Whowee! Nobody ever complimented me on my skin!

That was not the half of it.
He offered to take me out to eat, give me a few bucks and even have a "sleepover" at his apartment.
Now, get this.
The guy was such a compassionate, empathetic young man that he cried when I turned down his offers. 
( I've never liked to impose on people or take charity unless it's absolutely necessary.)

The story gets better.
I end up getting dropped off on Water Street (or something like that) and walk up to a cop and ask directions to that crooked street I had seen in one of those travel shows on T.V.

The cop was far different than St. Louis cops.
He used terms like far out and stay cool, he smelled good, and he complimented me on my flowers/weeds.
( He didn't mention my skin, though.)
He was "super-dooper" nice!
What a FRIENDLY  city.

There is more.
After getting directions from the cop, a BIG  member of the "Superior Race" came over to me.
He was at least 7 feet tall and was dressed like a woman. 
I mean, the works!
A strapless gown, high heels, lots of lipstick and makeup, an orange wig, and he smelled better than my Aunt Ollie! ( And she smelled pretty dang good!)
I figured he must be in a movie or was some kind of an "avante garde" street performer.

Anywho, he strolls over to me and in a super deep voice, like James Earl Jones, and asks, "Was that cop hassling you?"
Gee, willikers! I could not believe this!
A famous actor or something, cared about me. 
ME!
To top it off; he was a member of the Superior Race!
I answered, "Oh, no. I was only asking him directions.
Then the "actor" replies, "Well, let me know if anybody hassles you."
He begins to walk away and then turns around and says, "By the way, man, the flowers and skin are workin' for ya."

How awesome could it get!
Nothing against St. Louis, but I was never treated this wonderfully in my own home town!!

DANNY MADNESS MUSIC MONDAYS

Cold Country Blues by Danny Maness

Due to the dumb snowfall, me shoveling snow for hours, my desire for perfection, and taking an obligatory trip last Friday (sorry for stealing that word from you, Marty), I was unable to present my new song at this time. 

I will try to finish it as soon as possiroo.

Instead, I will be featuring a song I wrote and another dude sang.

It's called Cold Country Blues

It's at the top of the page!

I sent this song to one of those Nashville places that would record my song for a nominal fee, and I think the guy did a pretty awesome job!

That's all for today!

I need to keep working on my NEW song!

Bye Bye!!

ST. LOUIS SUNDAYS

St. Louis City Hospital

I was born in St. Louis City Hospital in 1950, and lived in the Clinton Peabody Housing projects the first few years of my life.

They looked like the ones in the photo above, but with no air conditioners.

They were actually pretty nice back then, and everyone kept everything clean and litter free.

I haven't seen them for a number of years, but I hope they haven't gone down the road of the ones that have deteriorated to almost unlivable, miserable conditions!

Go to 2:53 on this video to get a better idea of what my housing projct looked like.

My favorite memory of living there was listening to the street vendors.

Every vendor guy had a song.

Kind of like the beautiful voiced creole girl in "King Creole," starring Elvis.

The watermelon guy would bring in his sweet juicy watermelons (they would even plug 'em for ya) on a flatbed truck and sing...

Waateeeemelloooow! Translation:Watermelon.

The tamale guy had his tamales in a box that hung from his neck with a strap (they were wrapped in corn shucks and out of this world good!) and his song was... Tooomaaalleeee! Translation: Tamale.

The tamale guy had the same basic setup as this, but with a lid on the box.

The ice cream guy had ice cream bars, ice cream sandwiches, and stuff like that, in a small cart that had dry ice in it to keep everything cold.

It was cool to see all the smoke coming off the dry ice every time he opened the lid!

And his song was...Get your yum yum's! 

Really!

Let me take that back about EVERY vendor having a song, the huge soft pretzel people (the people weren't huge, just the pretzels) didn't have a song, because they stood at busy intersections, in the middle of the street to sell their delicious pretzels to people in their cars.

They did not have the time to sing a song, and even if they did, it would have been hard to hear them with horns honking, brakes squealing, people cursing, windows rolled up, and the sound of V8 engines!

I know, I know, in my first book (Chickens' Butts And Coconuts Will Ultimately Make Or Break You) I said that ONE pretzel guy had a song... but he was CRAZY!

You want to hear his song?

Really?!

Okay, but I warned you, he was really crazy!  Here's his song...By the way, he sang it to the tune of "Puff The Magic Dragon."

Eat the stinking pretzels,

Eat all you want

‘cause death and destruction,

Will come anyway,

Zits on you face will swell

And ooze and pop,

And how you gonna ever

Get a date with that mug,

Love is a sickness, and laughter is phony,

But life as we know it will only get worse,

Here’s your lousy pretzel

I hope you choke on it.

No need of translation!

Now that guy was creative, but his pretzels were disgusting!

FYI, I have the music written for my "Sweet Yellow Rose" song (and I think it's pretty awesome, in my humble opinion) but I'm not sure if I'll have it recorded by Monday, for Danny Madness Music Mondays.

If not, I'll have to wait another week for the NEXT Danny Madness Music Mondays!! 

See how cleverly I build anticipation?!

I seriously want it to be the best it can be, in spite of my worn out, el cheapo equipment! 

Love you guys more than you could ever imagine in your wildest dreams!

Danny Bruce Maness

In memorandum, 

Bev Rockhold, our next door neighbor, passed away peacefully last night in her sleep.

I mowed her lawn every summer, and helped her to create a beautiful rock garden in her back yard.

She was very funny, witty, and the best neighbor imaginable.

She will be sorely missed!

God will enjoy her stories and good humor like I did!