OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

When you view the magnificent, gorgeous planet of Glirka, that has existed for hundreds of billions of years, it makes your little heart beat faster, and causes you to tingle all over with exquisite chills...maybe I'm thinking of something else that does that, but seeing Glirka is pretty close!

Although many enemies have tried to destroy this ancient blue planet and it's inhabitants, the Glirkazoids, all attempts have been foiled by the legendary heroes from it's glorious past! 

Now, to be honest, Glirka was totally destroyed in my book, Hitchin', God's Way...HOWEVER, later on, Gary the Glirkazoid and Yellow Rose went back in time to stop the evil Oglama from blowing up our beloved Glirka!

I'll have to tell you that exciting story one day!

Actually, time travel is the basic way Glirkazoids travel throughout all the dimensions in the universe.

They do have spaceships, shuttle craft, flying disks, pink bicycles, hover scooters...but time travel is their favorite mode of transportation.

Some of the legendary warriors that saved the great planet of Glirka were 

Mork and Mindy...

 Laverne and Shirley...

 Alf... 

The Smothers Brothers...

Ian Anderson...

The Moody Blues...

Chris Martin...

You thought these were just T.V. characters and entertainers, riiight? 

El, no no! These are ALL time travelers who have existed for billions of eons of time to save and protect the innocent, lovable creatures around the universe, and their awesome, diverse planets!

HOWEVER...everybody knows that the greatest of all the mighty adventurers is the magnificent team of cute warrior Glirkazoids...Gary and Yellow Rose!!  

Who are secretly in love with each other.

We will be joining them on their exciting, frightening, and funny adventures every Wednesday until the end of tom!

Then when Tom kicks the bucket, who knows!

JOIN US ON OUR NEXT "OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY," AND BE SHOCKED AND AMAZED!

Have a nice day!

TRAVELIN' TUESDAY

Speaking of traveling, I would love to be able to visit all of my family and friends before I'm stone cold dead, and they spread my ashes along the St. Francis river in southeast Missouri, where I spent some of my happiest childhood days. (When I told my family I wanted to be cremated, like my native American ancestors, I had to make it clear they needed to wait until I'm dead!)

This is a scene from Shogun, but you get the point.

Of course, I would be doing some traveling when the wind carried my ass, I mean ashes, hither and yon over them Ozark mountain ranges, but it would be kinda nice to actually be able to converse with people instead of just making soot on their clothes.

I have NEVER visited my big brother Dave who has lived in Florida for many moons, but you know the cost of gas nowadays, and flying is out of the question because nobody is gonna frisk me, and take pornagrafical pictures of my magnifico naked body!

My brother, Dick, doesn't want me, and I've visited my sister Dee-Dee recently...I think it was 2009, but I don't wanna wear out my welcome. I do that a lot!

It would be so cool to visit my YouTube friends all over the whole wide worm before I walk through dem pearly gates, or the gates of Hades, which ever comes first. Just kidding, just kidding! I'm a sinner, but mercifully forgiven by a really, really forgiving God! REALLY forgiving!!

Where was I, Oh, YEAH, visiting my YouTube friends in my imagination!

I would love to visit Sara in Norway! It looks so beautiful there, and I'd want to go in winter with all the snow and stuff, pet her dog, Bris, feed a baby sheep, and drink some of that Norwegian booze by a fireplace, and listen to Sara Marie sing. 

Okay, okay, I know I can't drink alcohol without killing myself, and never could afford to fly to Norway, but if I'm gonna dream, I might as well dream BIG, huh?

Traveling to Greece to visit my friend Manolis would be great fun! 

Maybe we could do a music video together, drink ouzo, eat delicious Greek food, and I could meet Jim, Manolis' friend, an alien from outer space! (I wonder if ouzo has any alcohol in it? Probably not.)

I've always wanted to go the the U.K. to "Meet The Beatles" (I hope they're home), visit the tower of London, have fish n' chips, drink Guinness beer (Hey, a stroke won't kill me), and most important, meet my little YouTube friend Kate! She is so nice and would give me a tour around town, I hope.

Arrrg, what if she pretends she doesn't know me, and throws slop water on me while I stand on her doorstep, on an ancient cobblestone street? 

That would still be pretty AWESOME!!

I think visiting my great friend Michael (AKA Gounderus), in New Mexico, would be a laugh a minute riot!

I would absolutely die for an an opportunity to make a funny video with him! (And I just might, if I keep doin' all this imaginary drinking!)

Above all else...more than ANYTHING  I could ever, ever imagine in my wildest imagination, for infinity and BEYOND, would be to visit my BFF, Yellow Rose of Texas, who lives ...guess where?

TEXAS!! Yeah, baby!!! OH, BEHAVE!!!

We love the same movies, music, think alike, have grandkids together...uh..well..not together, like together, we just both have adorable grandkids!

We'd ride around her lake on her pink bike (like in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid), except I would ride on the handlebars!

We would battle with snakes, look at her baby birds, drink wine from her garden jug (it would be worth it), sing silly songs, read sections of my dysfunctional books to her grandchildren, do a video to make all our YouTube friends jealous, laugh...UNCONTROLLABLY, cry a little, listen to Coldplay and the Moody Blues, 

watch the Texas sunsets, watch baby turtles hatching, and be so tired by 9 P.M. that I'd have to crawl to my pup tent and go to bed! 

It's so wonderful to dream! 

MANESS MUSIC MONDAY

Manolis Paschalidis is one of the most talented, kind, uplifting, happiest guys on YouTube!

I have written about him on my blog before, but today is a special day!

DRAMATIC INTRO

I WROTE A SONG ABOUT MANOLIS!

He liked it! 

YAAAAAAAAY!

So did my BFF, Yellow Rose! 

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

I'm so happy!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Here it is:

SAD SUNDAY

A sad Sunday, 

I don't know why,

I wake up and want to cry,

Maybe a bad dream ,

I can't remember,

Or maybe because it's nearly November,

When the memories,

Of my misspent youth,

Come back to haunt me,

Like blowing leaves on the roof,

When the warmth of the fire,

Makes me recall again,

The times, the places,

And lost old friends,

Who are gone forever,

Without a goodbye,

Always wanting the truth,

But then living a lie,

An Autumn chill,

Crawls up my spine,

Harbinger of winter,

And frosty pine,

Afraid of the falling,

That I know must come,

And ending this poem,

Cause it's just plain dumb!

BURMA SHAVE

LOL!

SILLY SATURDAY

What if doctors named all of our streets?

Let's see...Amputation Avenue...Biopsy Blvd...Circumcision Court...Diarrhea Drive...Hysterectomy Highway...Lipo suction Lane...Psychiatric Parkway...Rupture Road...Surgery Street...I think you get the drift, snowflake. HA!

What if creatures from another world 
named our cities?

A Ferengi

Alien, Arkansas...Cosmic, Colorado...

Dimensional, Delaware...Ferengi, Florida...Glirkazoid, Georgia...Inter Galactic, Idaho...Klingon, Kansas...Lizardpeople, Louisiana, Mutant, Montana...Nebula, Nebraska...Outer Limits, Ohio...Planetary, Pennsylvania...Rocket, Road Island...Spaceship, South Carolina...Time Travel, Texas...UFO, Utah...Vortex, Vermont...Worf, Wisconsin...

Worf

How about if proctologists were allowed to name new cars?

Never mind about this category!

There are too many opportunities to get me in trouble! HA! Maybe you can come up with some of your own! 

What kind of names would pro wrestlers name their pets? Hmmm?

A Beagle-The Bloody Baron Bopper

A black cat- Mr. Terror, The Night Stalker

A hamster- Horrible Hulk Hamster (of course)

A weenie dog- The Storm Trooper of Germany

A chihuahua-The Mexican Death Machine

I think the Mexican Death Machine is the funniest, but Chihuahua's always make me laugh!

Have an AWESOME Saturday,

 I hope you're good and gay,

So I'm not judging you my friend,

If you lean that way,

I'm talking 'bout in yesteryear,

When gay meant fun and bright,

I'm really in no mood for a politically correct fight.

In fact, it's time for blacks and whites,

and gays to live in peace,

And even Tom who's sexual preference,

Never was released,

And Jews and Muslims need to get along,

Each and every day,

Stop killing one another,

After you kneel down and pray,

Rich and poor, old and young,

Everyone's your brother,

Stop the hate and fighting,

Start LOVING one another!

BURMA SHAVE

FAN FRIDAY

I am a huge fan of "pay at the pump!"

In fact, I think "pay at the pump" is the greatest idea since those pull off can lids that eliminate the need for a can opener.

Paying inside is a total nightmare for me!

Have you ever noticed there are a lot of people who have no clue about what is going on around them?

Their kids are screaming bloody murder and they can't hear them, they never see caution signs or rules signs, like when they say "ENTER HERE" or "WET FLOOR."

Those people are ALWAYS in front of me when I go inside the little gas mart to pay for my gas!

All I want to do is pay for my gas, and invariably, everyone in front of me wants to do a dozen other things beside paying for their gas!

In addition, even though the gas mart has two cash registers, there is NEVER two cashiers, and the line is so long it goes back to the soft drink bar where folks are pushing and shoving trying to dispense their 89 ounce "polar pop" that they spill on my white sneakers!

The cashier is either new, too old to see and hear, or just plain dumb! 

This is when the real torture begins!

The first person in line pays for his or her gas, but then wants cigarettes, but not simply a pack of good old fashioned Pall Malls.

This person is very, very picky, and wants a pack of cigarettes that the cashier has never heard of in all of her 2 days of working there.

The rookie cashier looks and looks for about 10 minutes and can't find the elusive cigarettes.

The customer insists she has bought the mysterious cigs there before, and goes back behind the counter to locate them herself.

After another 10 minutes she remembers she had bought them at the Quicky Mart across town, and she laughs and laughs without even realizing the line has now doubled in size!

As for me, I just want to pay for my gas.

The next person pays cash for her gas, and has a deep desire to come up with the exact change for some unknown reason.

She digs and digs in the deepest, darkest regions of her purse and comes up with a quarter, two dimes, a nickle, and she then counts out, "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven pennies," with a broad smile on her face, like she won the lottery!

Speaking of the lottery, the next dude wants LOTTERY TICKETS! The lottery ticket buyers are the absolute worst! 

They aren't satisfied with a regular, take your chances ticket. They buy multiple kinds of tickets, and have their special lucky numbers for each one. 

This takes 20 minutes...minimum!

After that is the mom with 7 dirty kids, who are destroying the gas mart, opening up the Twinkies, and yelling at the top of their lungs!

The mom is yelling back at them while holding her crying baby, and trying to buy a DIFFERENT brand of rare cigarettes that the cashier can't find!

Of course, I could go on and on about each individual customer, with his or her extra special needs and desires, but we ain't got forever!

"Pay at the pump" has totally freed me from this nightmarish experience.

I quietly slide my card, happily pump my gas, and quickly drive away.

How wonderfully glorious!

Whoever it was that created "pay at the pump," thank you from the bottom of my heart! I could kiss you!

I hope it was a "hot chick" inventor!