Tidbits Of Profound Nonsense!

I need to apologize profusely, people! You were all expecting my blog this morning and I disappointed your pea pickin' hearts!

"Better Nate than lever," as folks used to say in them ancient hills of Kentucky in the 18th century circus. 

Boozing it up has nothing to do with it! I haven't touched a teetotaler for an epoch!

"The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind." Especially in Illinois, since Jan 1, 2020. However, it's a dumb answer if you axe me...and who would be silly enough to axe me? Not me, you betcha!!

Why do I have this old ad stuck in my memory banks? (Hold my beer) Crest has been shown to be an effective decay preventive dentifrice that can be of significant value when used in a conscientious applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care. 

I can also do the Superman TV Show intro...but this is no time to show off with that old...Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a locomotive... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...Look! Up in the sky...it's a bird...it's a plane...it's SUPERMAN! Yes, it's Superman...strange visitor from another planet who came to earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men...Superman...who can change the course of mighty rivers...bend steel in his bare hands...and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter from a great metropolitan newspaper...fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and the American way! NO! I didn't cheat! Ye of little fake!!

What does it matter at this point in Tom, anyway? The whole wide worm is going coo coo, in a purkle haze of misunderstanding and even Mr. Understanding!

Have a super groovy weekend and may the bird of paradise fly up your nose!!

Political Leaders Acting Like Kindergarten Babies

As much as I dislike watching the stupid news, the stupid things happening lately are forcing me to watch all the stupidity, to see if we are gonna exist without stupid war and mayhem!!

It's almost exactly like the way kids acted in kindergarten, in 1955, when I was mini-matriculating. (I tried not to matriculate all over the floor)

There would be a bully, usually named Butch, who had followers, that only followed him because they were afraid. I learned from my dad that if you take out the bully, all of his followers would become disenchanted with him. 

My dad was right! When someone confronted the cowardly bully and he started crying, he lost all of his followers!"

The same thinking prevails with the highest officials of the U.S. government today. 

They just confronted a bully (AKA O Solo Mio) in Iran. By confronted, I mean, blew him to smithereens! Which only seems fair, since he did the same to Americans.  Thinking that this would disenchant his followers.  So far, it has not, based on the millions wailing at his funeral, which could be all staged, with actors, but the cost of paying a million actors would be exorbitant!

Then...as in kindergarten...the politicians start arguing over if it was "FAIR" to pulverize the bully!

"Butch was a mean bully, but you didn't need to make him cry!"

"O Solo Mio was a murderous, vicious animal, but you didn't need to make him die!!"

See the similarities? 

No? Well, turn on the World News right now, any cable network you choose, and see if the back and forth between the politicians doesn't sound like a bunch of kindergartners fighting on the playground! 

I remember when Abraham Lincoln (did you ever notice how Lincoln is not pronounced how it's spelled...it should be Lin-co-lin) quoted Jesus and said, "A house divided will not stand!"

That's so true, folks!

When you didn't like someone in kindergarten, you didn't like the clothes they wore, their hair style, the way they walked and talked...you liked NOTHING about them, right?

That's the way it is with folks opposed to Trump. They like absolutely NOTHING about him! Not even his beautiful wife, his beautiful kids, his hairstyle, his tweets, his sense of humor...come on! Heck! I can even think of something good to say about Hitler. He loved animals. 

Just look at the love on their faces!

Okay, picture this. The bully's brother feels like he needs to save face for his bro, but he doesn't want to get "beat up" for his actions. So he throws rocks in the general area of the one who humiliated his brother, and the guy who humiliated his brother understands that he is just trying to save face for his brother, so everything is cool. 

The Iranians needed to save face (like the kindergarten bully), so they launched really old missles into the general area 
of American troops, AFTER giving them a warning they would do it!!

Fake news. No casualties.

If leaders of World Governments don't stop behaving like kindergarten babies, the Teacher is going to have to discipline them for their bad behavior! 

I don't think it will be just a slap on the hand, either!

Out Of This World Wednesday

Dragon The Line Just In Time!

When we last visited our glorious Glirkazoid guy and gal, Rosie and Gary, they were being "beamed" to who knows where?

Hopefully, across the Sea Of Megadeth, to the Isle Of The Deaf Dragon, where they are destined to confront the Deaf Dragon, himself, or HERself, it's hard to tell the difference with dragons, and win the right to advance to the Stairway To Havens, which they will have to climb, to win the right to advance to Pyrotussin, to save the Princess Of Pyrotussin from the clutches of the Monster Of Malevalentay!!

As the camera zooms in on a scary looking island, and zooms closer on to the beach, we see a swirling, whirlpool of colored lights that spit Gary and Rosie out on to the disgusting, icky beach.

Rosie - "We did it, Gary! We made it to the Isle Of The Deaf Dragon!!! Yaaay!!!"

Gary - "Shhhh. Be quiet, Rosie. Do you want the dragon to hear us?"

Rosie - "Uh, Gary, I think you're forgetting that...."

Gary - "Do you want us to be dragon dinner, Rosie? Pipe down, wouldja?"

Rosie - "THE DRAGON IS DEAF, GARY!!! HE, OR SHE, CAN'T HEAR US, GOOFBALL!!!"

Gary - "Oh...yeah! That must be why he/she is called The Deaf Dragon!"

Rosie - "You THINK? Did that "beaming" scramble your brain, Gary?"

Gary - "Look, Rosie! Dragon tracks on the disgusting beach, littered with guts of the dragon's victims!"

Rosie - "Good eyes, my bug-eyed buddy! Now we just need to follow the tracks to find the Deaf Dragon, but watch out that you don't step in rotten guts, because even though the Deaf Dragon is deaf, his/her sense of smell is AMAZING!!"

Gary stepping in guts and eyeballs.... squish, squish, squish...

Deaf Dragon - "I smell Glirkazoids on the beach, and one has stepped in rotten guts and eyeballs! Yum, yum!!"

So, as our Glirkazoid gladiators are walking toward the Deaf Dragon, the Deaf Dragon is walking toward them, following their delicious scent!

What gonna happen?

Will they meet in the middle? Will Gary and Rosie end up on the griddle?

Join us for our next OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY, hopefully, next Wednesday!!! 

My Legalized Weed Predictions

As all of you know by now, recreational marijuana was legalized in Illinois, as of Jan. 1, 2020.

Since I live in Illinois, I have a few observations and predictions on what the future will be for Illinois residents very shortly.

My number one prediction is that the increase in revenue will absolutely NOT help the states financial crisis!

Are you kidding me? This is Illinois! Remember how the lottery money was going to save the educational system in Illinois? NOT! 

Another prediction is that our politicians and bigwigs in the pot industry will be purchasing more homes, yachts, private jets, and such...while the Illinois population, in general, will be too STONED to care! 

I get a bit frustrated, NOW, when a line is moving slowly at a store, or at a gas station cash register, or at a popular restaurant. Imagine what it will be like when everyone is stoned to the gills!! 

Read the next 3 paragraphs in super slow motion, please...

Man In Front Of Me In Gas Station Line - "Wow, man! I think I got, like, $5.00 worth, on like, one of those pumps out there."

Gas Clerk - "That's righteous, dude. Let me, like, check which pump, man. Pump 1...noooo, not that one...okay, like, pump 2...noooo...wow, this is far out, man...it's like we're on a treasure hunt, my fellow freak..."

Man In Front Of Me In Gas Station Line - "Hey, man, while you're, like, in search of ... I need some, Zig Zags, some, like,  Cones - Pre Rolled, a pack of , like, Juicy Fruit gum, a bagga Doritos, two corn dogs, two packages of Twinkies..."

Dear friends....I ain't got that kinda time and that kinda PATIENCE!!

Do we enjoy waiting for a driver to "get it in gear" when the light turns green? Heck no! What do ya think it will be like now, with wasted drivers in front of you, who don't really know if they are in a car or in Nirvana!!

You think obesity is on the uptick in this 21st century? Wait until we all get the "munchies" and eat tons of that junk food that tastes better than it has ever tasted in our lives! 

Of course, I could go on and on and on about this, but you understand, by now, that this legal weed stuff will not all be a bed of roses. Especially for those who do not partake!

On the other hand, if you do partake, it will not matter much...

What Will We Do In 2020?

I rarely do a serious blog article, but today, New Year's Eve, 2019, is no exception!

First...make a list of all the things you did wrong, mistakes you made, nasty personality disorders you displayed, and self harming, addictive behavior you gave in to in 2019.

You may need a LOT of paper, unless you do the list on a computerized device. I know, I'll need a LOT of paper!!

After that, gaze at your list and think about all that bad crap you did in 2019 and even before that, and after THAT, shred all that negative behavior in a shredder, or give it to your cat or dog to shred, which will symbolize eliminating all of that stupid behavior!

Then, get on your knees and pray to God, fervently, to give you, the willpower to be a decent person in 2020, instead of a selfish, self centered, heartless jerk, like, uh..some folks that will remain anonymous, to protect the not so innocent. 

I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking Danny is actually talking about himself, but is too ashamed to admit he's not perfect, and needs to improve by a huge margin in 2020. 

Look how innocent I am...or was!

Hey! Who's writing this blog, anyway? Let's put our laser-like focus on YOU, and take the spotlight off the man behind the curtain!

Let's not waste a nano second of Tom...

Tom Smothers

1. Go get a LOT of paper or computerized device.

2. Get a pen, if you're going the paper route.

3. Begin writing your past mistakes of 2019. (This may take hours)

4. Ponder over them until you can't stand it.

5. Shred or delete the list.

6. Pray incessantly to trash the past, and move forward to the future in peace and lovableness! 

Easy peasy!! 

I hope this blog posting will change your life forever, for the BETTER! 

This is worth a listen, folks!

As for me...I may need to take a trip to Carter Paper And Packaging for a whole roll of paper!!