HEADLINES FOR UFO ENTHUSIASTS

     STRANGE ALIENS HEADED FOR  MALL!

EXTRA LARGE BUBBLE GUM MACHINES APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE!

WHY ARE DOZENS OF CHILDREN VANISHING AT NORTHWOODS MALL?

I couldn't find a picture of  children being abducted to the "mother ship," but you get the  idea.

CREEPY LIGHTS SEEN OVER J.C. PENNY

GUMBALL MACHINES EERILY TAKE ON  HUMAN CHARACTERISTICS AT POPULAR , AND CONVENIENT, PEORIA MALL!

PARENTS  FOUND AT BAR , MILDLY CONCERNED OVER MISSING CHILDREN 

GUMBALL SALES GOING THROUGH THE ROOF, AS WELL AS HUMANS!

"THIS IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL,"  CLAIMS A CRAZY OLD  HOMELESS MAN!

MANTI TE'O SAYS IT'S A HOAX!

LANCE ARMSTRONG SWEARS IT'S TRUE!

WORLD FAMOUS UFO HUNTER, AND PAIR A NORMAL JOURNALIST, MARTY WOMBACHER, BROKE THIS STORY AFTER SENSING THE MENACING VIBES OF THE "GUMBALL MACHINES." 

WE HOPE HIS PATRIOTIC WARNING TO MANKIND DOES NOT GO UNHEEDED, THAT THE WORLD MAY SURVIVE THIS STICKY SITUATION, AND WE ALL HAVE THE BALLS TO GAIN VICTORY OVER THIS THREAT, CHEW IT UP AND SPIT IT OUT!!!!BURMA SHAVE!