CLICK ON MY BLOG by Danny Maness

Click on my blog, It will not harm you,

It may dismay, it might alarm you,

Or cause some mild insanity,

Don't be afraid, it's only me.

Sometimes my thoughts are esoterical,

But there's no need to be hysterical,

Just realize it's all in fun,

Happiness is NOT a gun! 

Not guns or wars with people fighting,

Just happy things is what I'm writing...about,

and silly stories from my brain,

Bout crazy, wacky, wild insane...folks.

Click on my blog, it ain't that rough,

I write about a lot of stuff,

I write so much you're bound to love,

At least one thing that makes you...uh...laugh.

I was born to entertain,

In the sunshine and the rain,

All you guys in diverse weather,

Because we need to love each other,

In wind and rain and stormy night,

Who just said, "go fly a kite?"

I'll fly a kite, I'll dance and sing,

I will do most anything,

To make you laugh and bring you joy,

Even more if  you're in Illinois.

BURMA SHAVE

We Illinois residents need a bit of cheering up, 

don't we!

Did You Ever Feel Like Me?

I Doubt It?

Me, with radio legend, Greg Batton!
I'm the short dude!

I have a few quirks that are completely normal to me, but may sound extremely abnormal to you.

I cannot hold anything in my mouth, besides food, without gagging!

You know, how someone will put an object they are holding in their mouth to free both hands to do something. Like a pen.

I can have the pen (or any other object) in my mouth for about 3 seconds before the gagging reflex begins, which turns into dry heaves after two more seconds, and lets not talk about what happens next! 

I cannot bite into a popsicle stick without getting creepy cold chills up and down my spine, and I get that same spine chilling feeling from just touching one of those rough cardboard drink carriers they give us at Micky-Dee's! In fact, I'm getting cold chills just writing about it...for real!

I can't go to bed without making sure there is not ONE crumb on the sheet! I'll take my hand and brush any seen or imaginary crumbs off, before I climb in.

When I do dishes, I have to wash everything twice, and rinse everything twice, just to make sure I did not miss any stuck food on the dishes or utensils, because finding food residue on my plate or utensil drives me MAD! Mad I tell you! Stark raving MAD! 

Well, maybe not that bad, but it DOES freak me out!

I will not drink anything all the way to the bottom of a bottle. This behavior is based on reality, for a change. 

One of my sisters (I can't remember which one...I had so many) was drinking a bottle of some soft drink when we were kids, and when she reached the end, there was something that looked like a slimy worm lurking at the bottom! Oh, gag!

So, for about 60 years now, I've been watching for that creature at the bottom of my bottles! Including Tequila bottles! 

I do not like my legs stretched out when I drive. I feel more safe and comfortable with my legs kind of bent and crumpled up, for some masochistic reason. 

I would rather eat a piece of cheese rolled up in a slice of lunch meat, than have a sandwich. I think the bread takes away the flavor of anything on it. 

I do my very best not step on any kind of insect...ant, cricket, pill bug, or even spider! It's not a religious thing...I just think they have as much a right to live as me! 

I love the idea of going out in sub-zero temperatures, and dressing so warm that I can't even feel the cold! It's kind of a cozy feeling for me.

I think the taste of Bayer aspirin is GREAT! Even as a child, I loved the taste of aspirin, and not just the sweet baby aspirin, the REAL, UNCUT STUFF! (However, I never abused, or over used the stuff)

This is kind of worrisome! When I started writing this I didn't realize how many quirks I had, and I haven't even scratched the surface yet, brothers and sisters! 

At least, I'll have something to write about again on another morn'!

Jack Nicholson portraying Melvin Udall, another O.C.D. dude

Very Cool Things Are Hapnin'!

Greg Batton on the wagon!

The premier of the Asian Carpnado movie went swimmingly...get it? Carp? Swimmingly? 

Anyway, there was a packed house and people laughed! That was nice!

Now...Greg and Dan are sending me on a mission to find Ray Liotta, and I'm doing a video of the whole dang thang! 

I also wrote the Lookin' for Ray Liotta song that is really funny, if I say so myself, and I just did! ( I cannot reveal anything about the song yet, due to contract negotiations, copyright infringement thingy's, and other stuff too esoteric to explain to the common indivisible! 

I'm running on a tight sheds ya'll, so I'll keep this abbreviated, to the MAX! 

See ya, later! 

30 THOUSAND VIEWS!!!

I know that most of you do not click on my blog when you see it on Facebook, and I don't blame you, because I'm a pretty boring guy most of the tom! 




Tom who?

However, there are a lot of folks reading this ridiculously boring crap, because I have 30,000 views! 

Yaaaaay!

Whoda thunk that, hmmm? 

NOBODY, that's who! I'm tellin' ya, NOBODY! Not even ME! 

I need to apologize for not creating an OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY episode for today, but this event was so monumental I had to share it with my fans! Whoever they may be!










That's right. I do not know where all of these views are coming from, because I hardly ever receive a comment...except from my wife, and Cheryl (Mim, Yellow Rose) Merritt, Kiel, Dee-Dee (my red haired sister), Yozie, from Yoz Creative, David Parker, Ray Liotta, and Sphinx, The Talking EEL! 

I DO know that people have a lot of trouble trying to make a comment on my blog! Blogger makes it a bit difficult! Nothing against Blogger! Oh, NO, Blogger has been WONDERFUL! (I really don't want to tick the Blogger folks off, and them take away my Blogging site)

In conclusion, like Jimmy Durante always said, "Good night all of my Bloggadocious fans, where ever you are!" (Or something like that)

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

Size does not matter in the vast expanse of matter and anti-matter we like to call the universe. 

What's the matter? I'm using the word "matter" too much? Does it really matter? 

An awesome view of the Matterhorn.

What was I talking about? I forgot!

Oh, yes! Size does not matter in the outer reaches of outer space (hey, I think I'm having an outer-body experience) where there are gigantic creatures, as big as our Earth, on down to itty bitty creatures that are 100 trillion times smaller than a quark! 

quark¹

kwärk/

noun

PHYSICS

1. any of a number of subatomic particles carrying a fractional electric charge, postulated as building blocks of the hadrons. Quarks have not been directly observed, but theoretical predictions based on their existence have been confirmed experimentally.

In fact, our super heroes, Yellow Rose and Gary, are only about four, earth inches, tall, but they are celebrated and revered by every race, creature, tribe and tongue that have respect for whatever is good, true and lovable! 

Almost every encounter with gruesome, fuggly, snarling, dirty creatures is like a David and Goliath scenario! 

Remember the Roadhouse movie with deep voiced Sam Elliot, and little Patrick Swayze, where everybody kept telling him,"I thought you'd be bigger," and then he would kick mucho buttinski? 

Do you see the stunning similarity of Patrick Swayze to Gary and Yellow Rose? 

What do you mean...NO?!

This whole tom I've been trying to get it through your thick skull that...whoops...sorry...I should realize that complex space theories and complicated inter-dimensional concepts are not easily understood by rookie humans.

The point is...let's see...the point proves to be...umm...you don't have to be big and burly, you can even look a little girly, with a little girly grin...and STILL WIN, WIN, WIN!! 

Just like Yellow Rose and Gary ALWAYS do, do, do!!

If you have been reading my blog for a long tom, you already know Yellow Rose as a master at weaponry (with quite a gun collection), a super master of the ancient martial art of keek-yo-bott, a tactical, analytical genius, and kinda cute!

As for Gary...he is..umm...let's see...not afraid to try ANYTHING...even if Yellow Rose thinks it's a dumb idea!

That's why they make such a great team! Gary is always stepping into deep doo-doo (see doggie above), and Yellow Rose gets him out of trouble! Which makes for exciting, and funny adventures! 

Remember, they are pretty small creatures, but have defeated adversaries a thousand times their size, over and over again! 

How?!

God helps them! Every mission they go on is a mission from God! (Like the Blues Brothers)

There is no other way they could overcome all of the insurmountable odds without the help of Jehovah Jireh!

Question: "What does it mean that God is Jehovah-Jireh?"

Answer:“Jehovah-Jireh” is one of the many different names of God found in the Old Testament. “Jehovah-Jireh” (or YHWH-Yireh) means "The LORD Will Provide" (Genesis 22:14). It is the name memorialized by Abraham when God provided the ram to be sacrificed in place of Isaac.

Ain't it cool that Yellow Rose and Gary worship the same God as you and me?  Whoda thunkit! 

Unless you're an atheist or egg-nostik or something like that! That would be sad, because how ya gonna defeat gargantuan, humongous, wicked enemies without Jesus...hmmm? 

For all you uninitiated that don't know...Jesus/Jehovah/ Yahweh/ King Of Kings/ Mighty God...all names for the creator of all things who will help us in the same manner as he did with Noah, Moses, King David, Daniel...and Yellow Rose and Gary! 

Ain't that good news?!

Sure it is! 

Now don't you feel better?! 

Good! 

God bless you!

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

For 64 miserable years the inhabitants of the planet of Zooba had suffered under the tyrannical leadership of Grushane Bohama!

All of their, joy, privacy, riches, fun, fast food places, (including 50 ounce soft drinks), cute pets, firearms, Christmas Festivities, and "hoochie coochie" was forbidden under this cruel dictator! 

The Zoobanites were fed up...especially about the no "hoochie coochie" thing! 

We now look in on a Zoobanite secret meeting to find out what they intend to do about this debilitating, devastating dituation...I mean, situation. (I got wrapped up in alliteration for a second)

Chairman Zooba Dooba - "Who has any ideas on how to rid our planet of this wicked taskmaster, Bohama, and his oppressive government that will not even let us do the "hoochie coochie!"

Zoozoo Pitts - "Off with his head!"

Chairman Zooba Dooba - "We know how you feel Zoozoo, but let's not lower ourselves to Bohama's standards, and to be perfectly honest, we don't have any warriors mighty enough to defeat Bohama and his butt ugly Martian guards!" (They were very, very ugly!)

Zaany Zooba - "Let's contact Force Five Of Faulderous (here I go with alliteration again), they defeated the Giant Shrimp (an oxymoron) of Oceanopus!"

Chairman Zooba Dooba - "I hate to tell you this, but all 5 0f them were eaten by the miniature T. Rex (yet another oxymoron, sort of) of Russuvian! 

Zooby Doobie - "Are the Gentle Giants Of Gath still fighting for truth, justice, and the Gathian Way? We could ask them to help us destroy Bohama and his butt ugly forces!"

Chairman Zooba Dooba - "I'm sure they would be willing to help us, but they are doing their good works in an alternate universe at this tom, and we have no way of contacting them."

Zoobie Doobie - "Okay, I understand, but who's Tom?"

Chairman Zooba Dooba - "Nevermind that, now who has another suggestion on heroes we can summon to give us relief from this maniacal bully, Bohama!"

Zitz Zoober - "How about Yellow Rose and Gary!"

A hush comes over the members of the secret committee, and then..and then...they ALL bust out LAUGHING!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha, Hee hee hee hee, Hoo hoo hoo...

What? Why are they laughing at our beloved heroes?

This makes no sense! 

We can find our answer in next weeks OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY!!

Be there or be....oval! You thought I was gonna say square, didn't ya?!

Love ya for reading this dysfunctional ditsy drama! 

(Yes, I'm really into alliteration today! Ha!)

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY

I just realized I have not done a "Thoughtful Thursday" blog posting for many moons, and I would be remiss if I didn't hunker down and do one on this year of our Lord of Oct. 2, 2014.

If any of you recall, you will remember that I always write "Thoughtful Thursday" in soothing colors, non-offensive words, with love, compassion, and heartfelt, umm, what word do I want to use here...empathy...yeah...that's the word...EMPATHY!

I am a bit of an empath, FYI.  When I watch America's Funniest Videos I can REALLY feel the pain when those dudes get hit in the "family jewels" with a pinata bat! OUCH!

Furthermore, when one of my 7 granddaughters gets a scraped knee or elbow or something, I feel their pain so much I can't even look at the injury, and let someone else take care of it! Ewww!

So, my dear friends, I write "Thoughtful Thursday" in a compassionate, relaxing, empathetic way, to make all of you feel refreshed, as if you were floating, floating, floating on a soft, puffy cloud, like in a toilet paper commercial.

At this tom, why don't you go draw yourself a bath...using a #2 pencil. You can trace if you like.
Then draw a picture of your naked self in the bathtub, with scented candles all around, and a glass of wine on the edge of the tub, if it will balance there without falling into the tub and breaking, where then you'll have to watch out for the broken glass that...Oh, I almost forgot...this is only a drawing! Whew! What a relief! 

Now, take that little sketch and tie it to a helium balloon, while playing Beethoven's 9th symphony on your cars C.D. player, and watch the balloon, along with your work of art, drift, climb, float, float away up to the "cloud," where all of your computer files are stored.

Do you see, by now, how all of this, uh, STUFF, is taking away your stress, anxiety, heartache, fears, trepidation, and bloating?

You don't? 

You say, it's not working?

Okay, then buy a bottle of Jack Daniels, pour just a wee bit into a thimble (if you still have a thimble), throw that thimble over your shoulder for good luck and polish off the rest of the bottle of whisky!

That's what will MAKE SURE you enjoy your "Thoughtful Thursday!" 

Oh, behave, Mama!