MADNESS MUSIC MONDAYS

                                            Proverbs 23:27-28

A whore is a bottomless pit;  a loose woman can get you in deep trouble fast.She’ll take you for all you’ve got; she’s worse than a pack of thieves.

The bible scriptures above, are what I wrote "Headin' For The Danger Zone" about.

I don't mean I was inspired to write this song from these scriptures, but the song shows what every man knows deep inside his heart.

Fooling around with a strange woman is gonna be TROUBLE!

Proverbs 5:18-20

¹⁸ May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
²⁰ Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
    Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

WE KNOW IT, but we stupidly do it anyway!

What's wrong with us?

We really do think with our "dilly whackers" most of the time!

Any woman that reads this knows exactly what I mean! (Women say amen!)

We risk losing our money, homes, kids, reputations, a woman who loves us...for what?!

10 seconds of something we've been able to get with a magazine and our imagination since we were 12 years old! (Give or take a year)

Is it worth it?

I know it sounds like I'm being preachy, but I'm looking at the the practical side of this!

Guys! Dudes! You're gonna get caught!

I'm sure you've seen it a hundred times (if you're as ancient as me), and men ALWAYS get caught doin' the "neighbor nasty," or the "hooker hoochiecoo," in time!

To me, it's like eating that deadly poisonous puffer fish delicacy thingy.

I can only imagine that the taste of that butt ugly fish is like having an orgasm, since people pay a fortune to eat a little bit of it, AND risk their lives to do it!

I'll eat grilled salmon, enjoy it, and live happily ever after, thank you!

Now, I'm not comparing our wives to grilled salmon, but, uh...you know what I mean!

I am not judging guys on their morals... I am simply questioning their sanity, intelligence, common sense, and death wish mentality!

In addition...don't get me started on the foolishness of contracting a miserable, loathsome S.T.D. that an idiot guy will spread to his unsuspecting wife... the dirty, stinking slugwart!!

Hey, think about how a sexy, young, clever "hot babe" WILL take you for all of your life savings?

Wait a minute! 

Did you ever watch that "Fatal Attraction" movie, and see what Glenn Close does to Michael Douglas?!!

Well, WATCH IT, BUSTER...before it's too late!!

Anyway, if you listen to this song I wrote many years ago, you will get the point of everything I've been trying to explain to you the last few minutes!

YOU FILTHY FORNICATORS!!!

This song was written by me, but performed by a Nashville session band.

PROVERBS 2:16-19
Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman,
    from the wayward woman with her seductive words,
¹⁷ who has left the partner of her youth
    and ignored the covenant she made before God.
¹⁸ Surely her house leads down to death
    and her paths to the spirits of the dead.
¹⁹ None who go to her return
    or attain the paths of life.

HAVE A NICE DAY!

ST. LOUIS SUNDAYS

My earliest recollection is of my wicked, red-haired sister
trying to kill me. In her twisted little mind she came up with a
devious plan to starve me to death. She would grab my baby
bottle, run and smash it! I guess I should really thank her,
because I always suspected Mom of poisoning my milk.

The "playground incident" will be etched in my brain
forever.



 Remember the movie Rebecca? Remember Miss
Danvers and that strange look in her eyes. (If you haven’t
seen the movie, go and rent it now, We will wait). O.K. Now
we all know about that strange look in Miss Danver's eyes.

My evil red-haired sister had that look when she said, “the
swings, the swings, you must walk in front of the swings”.
Well, back then, swings were lethal weapons. The seats
were made of two-inch thick oak boards with sharp pointed
corners. 

I, in my innocent youth, trusted the red-haired
demon and walked in front of that instrument of death. Last
thing I remember, they were putting fourteen stitches in my
head. But, ha! I survived! The ruthless, red-head’s plan didn’t
work. More important, my brain still functions nominally.

The “projects”. Yeah, that’s what we called ‘em. Sometimes
just the “jects” when were short on time. 

The “projects” were early communes. On any given day we would have over 2000 various ethnic, religious, and racial groups...

in our apartment alone! On holidays it was worse. On one New
Year’s Eve we had to order 27,000 White Castle hamburgers.

Then we couldn’t get to the bathroom because of the boxes. Of
course, that meant we – well, let’s not go there.
When we moved to the suburbs I was surprised our
family only had eight people.

In the projects you hang out of your window to talk to
people. That was really the only “cool” way to talk to
someone. However, if you fell out your window, you lost that
“cool” image.

Let me take a minute to dispel the ridiculous rumor that
people from the “projects” were used in horrible government
tests. Subjected to chemical and biological experiments like
human guinea pigs. 

Ha, Ha, Ha. What a laugh! I was born and
raised in the projects and I’m perfectly normal. One hen,
two ducks, three squawking geese. 143765GS – blue Neptune
– I repeat – red Saturn – Hey kids! What time is it? - The
frost is on the pumpkin – Alpha, Delta, Bravo, Zulu – Titanium
alloy conne----What the? Oh, sorry. I have those spells
about twice a week.


We would have “project parties” every now and then.
Everyone was invited.
They would get a little rowdy, but sometimes
respectable people would drop in, like the local doctor. Even
the priest would stop by. The police came often. SWAT
teams were regulars. Truck loads of F.B.I. guys. The
National Guard. Then we would need the doctor and priest
again.

Remember ushers at the movie theatre. Hey! I was only
a little baby! I’m not as old as it sounds. Anyway, my two
older brothers, Dave and Dick were ushers at the Fox
Theatre. They had a habit of trying to dress like the actors
in the movies that were playing.
One week Dave would dress like Marlon Brando and Dick
would dress like Rod Steiger. The next week Dave would be
James Dean and Dick would dress like Sal Mineo. They did this
week after week until the theatre showed “Some Like it Hot”.

Just a side note. Housing projects were designed and
built by creatures from a far distant, lost and extinct
universe. The location used to be, well, go outside and look
straight up and a little to the left. The creatures were
called Glirkazoids.

WHAT A WEIRD, ABRUPT ENDING TO ST. LOUIS SUNDAYS!

Josh, when he was little, in photo above, on the right!

ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO POSTPONE MY REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG POSTING, FOR MORE IMPORTANT STUFF!!!

1. Josh is home safe and sound!!!

Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!!!

 2. Gounderus...The Funniest guy on YouTube reviewed my channel in a cool video he made! 

This is BIG. and I don't want you to miss it....soooo here it is!!!

He begins talking about ME and my YouTube channel at about 7:04 on the time line!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hxw_MdVWe7Y

OUR AWESOME JOSH IS COMING HOME TODAY AFTER 2 YEARS OF BEING AWAY!

So, FAN FRIDAYS is dedicated to him with this song I wrote about having fellow feeling, and applying the Golden Rule to everyone, regardless of their circumstances, or past mistakes.

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS

I have always had vivid, surreal, fascinating, dreams.

It feels as if I have lived two separate lives.

 My dull, mundane life,when I'm awake, and my exciting, adventurous, travel filled, cool life in my dreams.

However, lately my dreams have been especially vivid, surreal, fascinating, wonderful, and VERY WEIRD!

I was thinking about going to a "shrink," and have him/her analyze my freaky dreams, but I changed my mom.

I've been to hundreds of "shrinks" my entire life, and have they helped me one bit?!

Heck no! I'm nuttier than ever!!

So I came up with a brilliant concept!

I'm going to let all of my faithful blog readers analyze my dreams, because I know you LOVE me and will tell me the honest truth!

HA! Maybe I'm not as CRAZY as everybody tells me I am!

By the way, these are all recurring dreams that I've had for years, for what it's worth.

Dream 1: I'm living in a regular, normal, 2 bedroom house, and find a secret passageway that takes me to a gigantic million dollar mansion next door, that has no one living there.

I enter in the underground area that has Egyptian looking sarcophaguses, or is that sarcophaguys, and then make my way upstairs to a fully stocked, abandoned mall that turns into a Caterpillar Tractor factory.

Dream 2: I am at a concert, convention, or church...I go outside and can't remember where I parked my car.

Then I realize it's been stolen, for the 100th time!

I decide to run home, and I can run as fast as a car, and then lift off and fly! (Who needs the stupid car now? HA!)

Dream 3: I am with a deceased family member or friend, but during the dream I don't remember that he/she died.

I don't figure it out until I wake up... so the feeling when I wake up can be happy or sad...it depends on the person I  was dreaming about. 

Dream 4: I'm back in the army doing basic training, and I wonder how I can keep up with all of the young healthy guys, because I'm old, and have all my old age ailments, and I usually can't keep up, however, I made it all the way through basic the other night!

I wonder if that dream will stop now?

Dream 5: I'm working at Caterpillar, or one of the other 100 jobs I've had all my life, or I'm in high school, and I am running behind, and don't know where I'm going, and am working  really hard at some dirty, tedious job, and can't get anything accomplished, and I'm totally worn out when I wake up!

So even if you are not a "shrink," and only play one on TV, start analyzing!

Thanks for your free psychoanalysis!

WARNING: Don't go insane analyzing my bizarre dreams!

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAYS

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A VERY LONG BLOG POST! YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO READ THE WHOLE THING! I WOULDN"T EVEN READ THE WHOLE THING! I JUST COULD NOT FIND A GOOD PLACE TO STOP! SORRY! THANKS FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION TO MY SINCERE WARNING!!!

It is incumbent upon me to tell you about my close encounter of the “turd” kind.
I’ll explain in a minute or two.

Well, I was camped along the little stream that runs from Nederland down to Boulder; about halfway up the mountain.














So it was going to be a long difficult trek along the silver stream to Nederland, and the “Bob Barker Resevoir,” where they let me fish for free. ( So, I would always tell them, “The price is right!”)

Soooo, here I am trekking up the mountain, past rocks, trees, sticks, grass, weeds; “Hey! THIS  must be the "hill" they were talking about in Boulder," I yelled to myself!

Yeah! Oh, yeah! This WAS the best grass and most awesome weeds I’d ever seen! I finally got it! ( Why does everybody consistently say I’m so dumb?)

Trekking! Yeah, that’s what I was doing...and sometimes climbing a little...also crawling at times; using my hands and arms to pull myself up over big rocks, while getting totally wrapped up in the glorious beauty that God created for our recreational needs.

The soft cool Colorado breeze felt like……………………No! That’s not descriptive enough.
The soft soothing Colorado breeze enveloped my senses and took me to a younger more carefree time when I would hang out of the window at the housing projects in south St. Louis at 4:30 in the morning, in April, to get the fleeting experience of nice weather, while I’d watch the drunks staggering down the sidewalk and trying to find their apartments in between episodes of puking and junk.

As I continued on my trek to Nederland, I came in frequent contact with a “poe- purrie” of many diverse and interesting fauna; including rhinos, armadillos, and a small multi colored snail that seemed to be following me to the “Bob Barker Reservoir.” ( He was quite fast for a snail!)
Having a snail on my trail (LOL) was a bit unsettling to say the least. Frankly, it was starting to freak me out!

The clouds became dark and omnibus, and everything got real eerie, and I began to chant; rhinos armadillos and snails, rhinos, armadillos and snails, (louder) rhinos, armadillos and snails, Oh, my! (Even louder and faster) Rhinos, armadillos and snails, Oh, my!!!

Guess what? You are correct, Boulder Brain. I’m still trekking up the mountain; but now I’m listening to the vast and endless variety of birds that grace the arborous trees of Colorado.

The Cardinals singing their,”pretty birdie, pretty birdie, pretty birdie, pretty birdie”; Hey! That’s what it sounds like to me.
The Robins with their carefree, “Tweedle dee, tweedle dum, tweedle dee, tweedle dum.” (What a sweet tweet.)
The Bluejays have a primordial, ancient sounding, earthy sound that I can’t describe. It’s too cool to describe. Just find one and listen to it, if you’re curious.
The Starlings are awesome, because they are shiny and can mimic other birds and...

I had to poo-poo.

Oh how I HATE  pooping outdoors! I had to keep twisting my head around to make sure no one could see me taking a “dump.” (Quite the opposite of Colorado girls, who……..Well, you know.)

It was bad enough ( remember Boris Badenov?) having that creepy, multi colored snail watching me.

At least I had the forethought to stuff my pockets with toilet paper when I was in Boulder. ( Leaves are not very efficient and you’re taking a big gamble with them.)

Oh, crap! (To coin a phrase.) The “cockadoodie” toilet paper had disintegrated from the stream water and I was “s_ _t out luck”, “up s_ _t creek without a paddle!” S_ _t fire! (Please shield that last part from the kiddies. Thank you.)
Excuse me, but I need to stop the story for a while and go to the “Labonza.”

Whew! Okay. That was a double flusher! I feel much better. Sorry it took so long, but I got a Diet Coke or was it Pepsi (don’t want to tick off a future sponsor) and grabbed half a bag of “poke rinds” on the way back.

Sooooo, where was I? Yes, yes, now I merember; In the middle of “ good grass” and “awesome weed“, er “weeds”, with an unusually large and speedy snail staring at me, and absolutely NO POTTY PAPER!


While still in the standard “squat” position and desperately seeking something; ANYTHING , to finish the “project,” I hear hysterical high pitched laughter. ( It sounded like a Jackalope on “pep pills”.

Who says “pep pills” anymore? I sure don’t!)

However, I didn’t see anybody around.
Maybe I was losing my mind due to tissuephrenia.
 (A condition that causes panic, fear and mental confusion when confronted with the fact you’ve done your duty and can’t wipe your “pooty”.)

But where the “bejiggits” was the laughing coming from?

The laughing kept getting louder and louder, and more hysterical, but I still couldn’t discover the source of the jocularity. ( Hey! Jocularity would be a good name for men’s briefs with one-liners printed on them. Or not.)

So, still in my “natural” position, I tried to focus in on the laughter.
I mumbled to myself,"Is it coming from behind that rock?” 
Then I heard a tiny voice say, “You’re cold.”
What!! Whawazatt!!! “Who said that? Where are you? Behind that pine tree?”
“You’re way  cold," the squeaky voice replied.
“Are you hiding in the “good grass” and “awesome weeds”, I inquired inquisitively. 
“You’re getting warmer, poo-poo boy”, the little voice answered.
Then, all of a sudden, I saw him! ( It was like a movie camera zooming in on something. You know. Going from a wide shot to a narrow shot.)
It was the “SNAIL!!” He was hiding in the weeds about 10 feet in front of me.
However, as he started walking over to me I realized he wasn’t a snail afterall!
He was a “cotton pickin” GLIRKAZOID!!!
WOW!  

He was about 4 inches tall, multi-colored; antennae, or is it, antenna sticking out of his head, and cute as a babies belly button!

Man, Oh, Man! This was the absolute, one and only, very first time I had ever seen a Glirkazoid, apart from my childhood years time traveling with my faithful pup, Fluff and……………………….Wait a minute. Wait just one “galdurn” minute! ( Harp music starts playing, like in a movie when somebody starts remembering the past.)
It was all coming back to me. 

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A VERY LONG BLOG POST! YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO READ THE WHOLE THING! I WOULDN"T EVEN READ THE WHOLE THING! I JUST COULD NOT FIND A GOOD PLACE TO STOP! SORRY! THANKS FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION TO MY SINCERE WARNING!!!

I started remembering frequent encounters with Glirkazoids on summer vacations in the Missouri Ozarks, and playing Euchre with them.
They must have erased it from my memory, and now this little guy was bringing it all back! In fact, I knew this Glirkazoid back then.
His name was Greggatton. ( With the emphasis on the “gat.”)

“Hi Greggatton”, I said in a joyous manner.
“Hi Danny”, he replied. “How’s it hangin’?”
“OUT, right now, Gregor! I’m kind of in a sticky situation at present.”
“It’s all good, man. Stand and pull up your pants”, Greggatton said, confidently.
Miraculously, Greggatton had somehow zapped “everything” clean and sanitized! ( No shit!) (Talk about a friend in need!)

Greggatton would constantly change colors, from a metallic green (metal flaked), to blue, to amber, to just about every color imaginable.
The colors didn’t change according to his mood. (Like a mood ring) They just changed for no apparent reason, in beautiful, fascinating ways.

He told me many wonderful things, like the entire history of the Glirkazoidian race, their love of Jesus and Ronald Reagan; but he eventually told me the story of the “Game.”

I honestly had the feeling he was crossing the line by telling me about the sacred Glirkazoid “Game”, but he knew I needed all the help I could get.

After educating me on everything of any importance in the universe and beyond, he whipped out a candy cane, put it in his mouth like a cigar ( Remember Will Smith and that skinny actor in “Independence Day”, pulling out cigars “when the fat lady sang?) and “beamed out.”

On the exact spot from which he departed I saw a magnificent musical intrument! A shiny, new guitar!
Above the guitar, written in smoke or fog or something; it said, “You’re gonna need this, Danman.”

I got it! I understood! 
This guitar was left for me to help me win the “Game!”
Too bad I couldn’t play the guitar.
But, wait till you hear this!
I picks up the “git-fiddle”( By the way, it was a Martin D-45) and start messin’ wit it. 
Guess what happened? Right. I couldn’t play a note.
Man, I thought Greggatton would give me the ability to play! Didn’t you?
What a rip! 
Maybe that would have been viewed as cheating in the eyes of the “Glirkazoid Game Masters”, I don’t know.
It was a really cool guitar, though. Worth more than a 1971 Corvette! 

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A VERY LONG BLOG POST! YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO READ THE WHOLE THING! I WOULDN"T EVEN READ THE WHOLE THING! I JUST COULD NOT FIND A GOOD PLACE TO STOP! SORRY! THANKS FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION TO MY SINCERE WARNING!!!

Not wanting any scratches or dents on this awesome masterpiece, I looked up at the sky and yelled, ”Hey, Gregor! I need a hardshell case!”
No case dropped from the sky, so I figured the “game masters” were against it.
“Stupid, nerd bird, “game masters”, I mumbled to myself.

At that, the beautiful Martin D-45, with the ivory inlay and ebony trim and real gold tuning keys, was “zapped” out of my hands and “beamed” away! (Ebony and Ivory, They took my guitar away from me; Sung to the tune of Ebony and Ivory.)
(Whoops. I wonder if I ticked off the “Game Masters” a bit.)
(I did find out later, that my odds of winning went from a million to one to 100 million to one, because of this unfortunate incident.)
So now you see why I said I had a close encounter of the “turd” kind.
That’s funny! So, why aren’t you laughing?
Oh, sorry I touched on such a sensitive area. Did you use Ivy Dry? It’s good stuff. Yeah, you can put it down there. I didn’t mean to make you the “butt” of my joke, er, uh, I mean, make any “cracks”; Sometimes I’m such an “a_ _hole!” Hey, just “scratch” everything I just said; I’m “itching” to move on, anyway.

O.K. This next part is extremely important. So, LISTEN UP!!!!!!!
Greggatton is a legend among the Glirkazoids. He has won the “Game” 4,222 times!  He takes the “Game” seriously, but shows deep concern for each contestant he mentors.

After I “forfeited” the guitar that Greggatton had so kindly and benevolently given me; he beamed back down for a minute.
He had his hands on his hips ( or whatever hips are called in the Glirkazoid  lingo ) and was shaking his head back and forth in disgust.
His unflinching stare was one of anger, sadness, and pity; all at the same time.
Following his unforgettable display of righteous indignation, he immediately beamed back to where he came from. ( That’s just a wild guess. How would I  know where he beamed to!)

Whew boy! I thought my Mom had the ultimate stare but this was far superior! It made me feel ashamed, a little scared, somewhat verklempt and depressed, but at the same time, warm and fuzzy; loved and cared for. Go figure!