OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

The misty green world of the Gluptillians was not a place for the faint of heart. The volcanic activity caused an incessant rumbling and shaking that would unnerve even the bravest of the brave.

There was unending warfare with creatures from neighboring planets and galaxies, as well as constant fighting and bickering with family members, co-workers, and just about everyone!

It was increasingly becoming a serious threat to the Conglomeration of Real Awesome Planets (C.R.A.P.) who were responsible for keeping the peace throughout the entire universe.

"If  the disgusting inhabitants of the planet Glupterous continue on this self destructive path, they will destroy themselves, and maybe cause a chain reaction of destruction throughout the galaxy," said the Vice General of C.R.A.P.

"I agree, Vice General, but who can we send to fix this impossible problem," stated the Grand C.R.A.P. Leader.

Then, as if a light turned on in their brains, they both shouted, "Yellow Rose!"

For centuries, Yellow Rose had made a legendary name for herself by settling inter-galactic disputes,

bringing peace to warring planets, and even calming down the angry, grumpy Dwarfonians that are very tiny, but have nasty tempers!

The scene changes to the poop deck of the Silver Sausage spaceship, where Yellow Rose is casually filing her nails. Now the voice of the Grand C.R.A.P. Leader booms out over the communicator thingy.

"Yellow Rose! Yellow Rose! We need you to travel to Glupterous to save the Gluptillians from sure destruction! This mission...if you decide to accept it, will be disavowed by all the officers of C.R.A.P.  This message will self destruct in 10 seconds"...10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...fizzle, fizzle, fizzle.....silence.

Needless to say, Yellow Rose was up for the challenge, and began getting the ship ready for the dangerous, yet exciting, mission.

Gary walks on to the poop deck.

Gary - "Hey, Y.R.! Do you know why I came up to the poop deck?"

Yellow Rose rolls her eyes and says (sarcastically), No...why did you come up to the poop deck?

Gary starts to snicker and declares, "I had to POOP!" 
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! 

Yellow Rose - Gary! You've told that excuse for a joke a thousand toms, and it's STILL not funny!

Gary keeps laughing..."Oh, man...that cracks me up every time! Cracks...me up! Get it, Y.R.? Poops...cracks? I'm on a Roll now! Toilet paper roll!!
He He He He, Haw! I guess this bit is goin' to pot, huh?! Blaa, ha, ha, ha, ha!!"

Yellow Rose - " Gary! If you'd just stop flapping your gums for a second, I'll tell you about the new mission."

Gary - "New mission?  I didn't know about any new mission." How do you know about a new mission and I don't?!"

Yellow Rose - The Grand C.R.A.P. Leader just messaged me on the communicator thingy, and told me about it.

Gary - But...but...I'm the one they always tell about the missions...I...uh...don't...underst...

Yellow Rose - "It's okay, big guy! I just happened to be working here on the poop deck when the message came in...no worries, buddy!"

Gary - "Well, um, yeah, I guess you're right, Y.R., but next tom forward the secret message to ME , so I can be the one that tells YOU the message...okay?

Yellow Rose - " That's fine, Gary! I wasn't trying to take over your command or anything, I just...

Gary - "Alrighty now...Tell me about the mission so I can tell it back to you in my commander's voice!"

Yellow Rose - "Oh, good grief!"

(LATER ON)

Yellow Rose and Gary are going through the check list before they take off for Glupterous.

Yellow Rose - Emusificator weapons.

Gary - Check!

Yellow Rose - Coffee.

Gary -Double check!

Yellow Rose - U-kont Seamy invisibility device.

Gary - Check!

Yellow Rose - "One movie...Conagher."

Gary - Conagher? Y.R., you've seen that movie a billion times! Why do you want to bring it along?

Yellow Rose - It inspires me, okay?!

Gary - (chuckling) "As you wish."

The scene changes once again to the Silver Sausage making it's way to the violent, war torn planet of Glupterous, through meteor showers, around asteroids, having occasional "dog fights" with belligerent, hostile enemy spacecraft, and then we get a glimpse of Yellow Rose AND Gary, watching Conagher together.

Yellow Rose - "This is so romantic! I love the part when Evie ties notes on the tumbleweeds and Conn finds them! So sweet!"

Gary - "Romantic?! Are you kidding?! This movie has Indian attacks, gun fights with rustlers, and one of the greatest fight scenes of all time, between Conn and Mahler!!"

Yellow Rose - "Funny, I thought I saw you crying the last time we watched this, when Evie told Conn it's time to come home."

Gary - "I told you it was just space dust in my eyes, Evie!"

Yellow Rose - "EVIE? Ha Ha Ha! You just called me Evie!! He He He! I think you're in to this movie as much as me!"

Gary - "Nevermind."

RETURN NEXT WEDNESDAY TO SEE IF GARY AND YELLOW ROSE MAKE IT TO GLUPTEROUS IN ONE PIECE!!

COME BACK TO WITNESS THE WAY OUR HEROES FIGHT THE DIRTY, MEAN ATTITUDES OF THE GLUPTILLIANS LIKE CONN DEFEATED THE RUSTLERS AND INDIANS...OR NOT!

IF YOU'RE CRAZY AND YOU KNOW IT, SLAP YOUR HEAD!

Sung to the tune of 

"If You're Happy and You Know It."

If you're crazy and you know it, slap your head,

(slap, slap)

If you're crazy and you know it, slap your head,

(slap, slap)

If you're crazy and you know it, 

and you really want to show it,

That you're crazy and you know it,

Slap your head.

(slap, slap) 

(Man, my head hurts!)

If you're crazy and you know it, eat your shoe,

(yum, yum)
If you're crazy and you know it, eat your shoe,
(yum, yum)
If you're crazy and you know it,
And you really want to show it,
That you're crazy and you know it,
Eat your shoe.
(yum, yum)
(Real sole food!)

If you're crazy and you know it, 
Mow your lawn wearing a pink tutu,
(pirouette)
If you're crazy and you know it,
Mow your lawn wearing a pink tutu,
pirouette)
If you're crazy and you know it,
And you really want to show it,
That you're crazy and you know it,
Mow your lawn wearing a pink tutu,
(pirouette)
(Bravo!)

If you're crazy and you know it,
Go up to a bunch of Navy Seal bikers,
and spit on their motorcycles and the American flag,
(vroom, vroom)
If you're crazy and you know it,
Go up to a bunch of Navy Seal bikers,
and spit on their motorcycles and the American flag,
(vroom, vroom)
If you're crazy and you know it,
And you really want to show it,
That you're crazy and you know it,
Go up to a bunch of Navy Seal bikers,
and spit on their motorcycles and the American flag,
(vroom, vroom)
(REST IN PEACE)

MANESS MUSIC MONDAY

You better take tom to listen to me sing before it's 2 late! (You don't really need Tom to tag along, if you don't want.)

I'm getting very, very OLD and will not have my voice much longer! 

My voice will start sounding very raspy, weak, and shaky...like I'm singing whilst holding a vibrator to my throat.

OKAY!! Who said I already sound that way?!!!Hmmmm?!!!!

Anyway, me hopes you enjoyith this song I sang on Easter. 

SATURDAY SOLILOQUY

Saturday...sunshine...smiles...

Are you tired of pickin' cotton,
Do all your days seem rotten.
May your pain be all forgotten,
And smile, smile, smile!!

Have your debts become a mountain,
Have you skipped that old youth fountain,
Do you look like Charlie Laughton,

Still smile, smile, smile!

Do you look like a gorilla,

Or that monster called Godzilla,

Do you still listen to Thrilla',

Try to smile, smile, smile!

Are you reading this dumb poem,
Instead of watching Thunderdome,
While you play games on your phone,
THEN YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP!!

BURMA SHAVE

FAIR WEATHER WALKERS

I am not angry at them. I just don't understand them, and wish I could figure out the mystery that's been confounding me for the past 5 years!

It's not my mission to depress everyone with my incessant complaining, but the only thing that REALLY matters...is ME! 

Here is the back story...Ever since our Yorkie, Benji, has been part of our family I've walked him about every two hours. I do this for two reasons, first, he will not stop barking, crying, whining and complaining until I take him out, and second, if I'm just a few minutes late he will "let it fly" all over the house with reckless abandon! 

Therefore, I have to take him him out in all kinds of weather, climate changes, and temperature differences. Now, all of you PETA people...don't fret!

I will not take him out in EXTREME hot or cold weather! During those times, we put down "potty pads" and he will go on them...sometimes.

Here is my point! It's about tom, isn't it! 

Whenever the temperature is below sixty degrees F., I see almost no one walking their dogs, or even walking in general! Conversely, when the temperature is above eighty degrees F. the streets are nearly devoid of pedestrians, and dog walkers!

On the other hand, when the temperature ranges from 60 to 80 there are so many people on the sidewalks, and walking path that you can hardly get past the crowds, bicyclists, dogs, joggers, skateboarders, roller skaters, and every creature great and small!

So I call them "fair weather walkers!" No, not to their faces! I'm way too "chicken" for that! But I mumble it under my breath.

Remember the mystery I told you about? You don't?

Well, anyway, the big mystery to me, that I can't figure out, is what do these people do about walking their dogs when it's too cold or hot for their liking?!

Do they just allow them to "let it fly" in the house from late June to early September...and late October to early April?!!

How are these doggies getting any exercise?! By the way, how are the walkers, joggers, skateboarders, rollar skaters, bicyclists, and all creatures great and small getting any exercise if they only go outside in that narrow 20 degree range?!!

Maybe Benji and me are the only rugged individuals remaining in Pekin, Illinois! Maybe our town is loaded with wimps! 

Don't believe me? Drive here to Pekin and go to the walking path that runs behind the Dollar General store. past the torn down Pekin West High Screwl,

and all the way down to the beautiful banks of the Illinois river, when it's not between 60 and 80 degrees F. and see how many people are there!

Then, go there when it's "PERFECT WEATHER" and behold the multitudes of "fair weather walkers" you'll witness!!

Okay, I'll admit I'm a bit bitter when me and my buddy, Benji, are trudging through the frozen tundra of central illinois, or the blazing summer heat, and we are THE ONLY ONES OUT THERE SUFFERING...there's no one to say Hi to, and...yes...it's kinda lonely!!

Well, I can't speak for Benji. I don't really know if he's bitter or not, and he is sort of anti-social when it comes to meeting strange doggies and people, so he may enjoy our miles of walking in the vast wasteland of feeling like that Twilight Zone Episode when there was only one man left on earth!

In conclusion, if ANYBODY can tell me why folks don't go outside unless it's the optimal temperature, please let me know the answer!

Another question that puzzles me is...why do the majority amount of citizens in Pekin choose to walk in the street instead of on the sidewalk? Maybe I'll save that for another tom!

Who is this Tom, everybody keeps talking about?

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY

$44 MILLION SPENT FOR SEARCH OF MALAYSIAN AIRLINER BY U.S., CHINA, AUSTRALIA, AND VIETNAM!
Does not include money spent by 22 other countries! WOWWEE!!

I am not going to lament over the vast amount of money spent on this, while only a fraction of that amount is spent on locating missing children, because I've already written about that, and it didn't seem to help anything.

I wish I would have thought of my current idea before so much money was spent!

I would have proposed that every country that had some of their citizens on that flight, Malaysian Airlines, and other interested parties, chip in money for a reward to whoever finds the downed plane!

Let's say they "pool up" 10 million "smackers!" Boy, Howdy, there are a lot of treasure hunters, adventure seekers, and just plain nutty people with a dingy, who would sail out there to find that plane!

I would...if I had a dingy!

$10 million pazoozas is FAR less than over $44 million pazoozas, ain't it?!

Also, that would free our Navy for more important things, like protecting the free world!

Think about this. Maybe the plane did not "ditch" in the ocean! Maybe it landed on land somewhere!

An individual may not report that a Triple 7 landed in their alfalfa field, since that probably happens a lot...but if they knew they would get $10 million samoleons for the info, then, yeah...they just might do DAT!

Oh, well, just trying to save the world a little money. Huh, why even try? No one ever listens to me, anyway.

Not even my Yorkie...Benji!

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

Gary was getting worried!

It had been days since he played that joke on Yellow Rose and he hadn't seen hide nor hair of her since then! (Of course, Glirkazoids don't have hair, so he wouldn't have seen hair of her, anyway.)

The silence of the Silver Sausage spaceship is broken by the beeping, and flashing of the Communicator Thingy, and the voice of the great, high GLIRKHEAD booms out at our hero!

GARY! YELLOW ROSE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE EVIL ZOCAR BEAST AND TAKEN TO LIPITOR 3! HE WANTS YOU TO BRING HIM 1000 SPACEDUCKS WITHIN 48 ZEPTUNES OR SHE WILL BE EMULSIFICATED!!

This was serious! Being emulsificated was the most horrible way to go in the whole universe...and where was he gonna find spaceducks this tom of year?!

Gary remembered that all of the spaceducks migrated to the huge planet of Garganorous in the spacespring, so he would need to go there first, gather the spaceducks and fly to Lipitor 3 to save Yellow Rose!

Gary would need to overcome a few minor challenges on Garganorous...
1. The Garganorillians are 222 feet tall!
2. They love the spaceducks and guard them 24/7!
3. They enjoy eating deep fried Glirkazoids!
4. They have nasty tempers!

Of course, these little obstacles were not gonna stop our hero, Gary, when his lifelong friend and pardner, Yellow Rose, was in danger!!

Gary needed a brilliant plan, but Yellow Rose was not there to think of one like she usually does. So he thought to himself, "What would Y.R. do right now?"

Immediately, he went to her room and put on some of her lipstick, a little makeup, fashionable shoes (hey, that's what she would have done)...and then came up with an idea!

Yellow Rose had once told Gary that the Garganorillians absolutely LOVED Coldplay music, and they were almost hypnotized by it, so he would use Coldplay music as a distraction while he made off with the spaceducks! 

As Gary entered the atmosphere of Lipitor 3, he clicked on his Ukont-seamy device to make the Silver Sausage invisible. 

He landed the ship on the opposite side of a big hill from where the spaceducks were located, hung his powerful little mini-stereo on a tree branch, and turned on COLDPLAY MUSIC!!
(Namely, BEST OF THE BEST..COLDPLAY!

It sounded like thunder as the gigantic guards of the spaceducks abandoned their post and ran toward the beautiful Coldplay music!

While they were coming up over the hill, Gary flew his invisible ship (with the Ukont-seamy device still turned on) over to the spaceducks, and herded 1000 of them into the Silver Sausage and zoomed off into space!!

So here is Gary, with 1000 quacking spaceducks, feathers flying all over the ship, and duck doo doo making the deck slippery, with a Garganorillian warship on his tail! ( They must have heard all the quacking going on.)

Gary knew that the only way to escape being captured, and deep fried, by the Garganorillians was to fly into the deadly Billuvian asteroid belt where a humongous Garganorillian warship would not be able to circumvent the asteroids like his tiny Silver Sausage could.

Gary's plan worked! The giant warship did not enter into the asteroid belt, while Gary's ship came out the other side unscathed! 

When our hero finally landed on Lipitor 3, with only a few minutes to spare, he knew exactly where to go.

He headed for the castle of the ferocious Zocar Beast to pay the ransom for his Yellow Rose, who was like a faithful and cool sister to him. (Although he would never tell her that.)

Gary reaches the castle door, kicks it open, and marches in with a 1000 quacking spaceducks, and still wearing the makeup and lipstick that he had forgotten to wash off!

Gary doesn't see the Zocar Beast, or an emusificator machine, or nuthin' honey! Only Yellow Rose, rolling on the floor laughing, then standing up, looking at Gary with the spaceducks, wearing lipstick and makeup... AND fashionable shoes, and rolling on the floor laughing again!!

"GOTCHA, GARY," said Yellow Rose! HA HA HA HA HA! I disguised my voice with a Voice Changer Thingy, so it sounded like the Great High Glirkhead when I talked to you, and then I talked the Zocar Beast into letting me use his castle, and he did, because he wanted to get back at you as much as me! "

Gary had a big, dumb, surprised, a bit angry look on his face...and then...he smiled and started laughing!

Gary - "I'll bet I do look hilarious, don't I? You REALLY did get me back for my joke on you...BIG TIME!! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Yellow Rose - "Ha Ha Ha! I guess you learned your lesson, didn't you?! 

Gary - "I sure did, my friend! I sure did!"

So as the camera pulls up and away from the scene of spaceducks, Gary, Yellow Rose...until they get smaller and smaller...Gary is planning his REVENGE!!!

THE END

I'd Like To Teach The Worms To Sing

♪I'd like to teach the worms to sing,

In my tin can happily,♫

Oh, that would be an awesome thing,

What joy that sight would bring.♪♪

♫I'd like to buy the worms a Coke,

And watch them jump all day,

From such a mighty sugar high,

Before they melt away.♪♫

♫I'd like to take them fishin',

And put them on my hook,

Then throw them in the ocean,

Sea, river, lake, or brook.♫

♫♪I want to try and talk to them,

And thus, communicate,

I think that if I really tried,

We surely could relate.♪

♫It's the reel thing,

That's the way it should be,

Maybe I'll set them free,

When I catch some crappie.♪♪

♫♪It's the reel thing,

That's the way it should go,

I will teach them to row,

It's the reel thing.♫