IS EVERYONE AS HAPPY AS THEY PRETEND TO BE ON FAZEBOOK?

When I'm on Fazebook, 

I put my best foot forward,

Don't tell them 'bout my debts and pain,

Act like my life is heading starward!

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/starward

Even though I'm feelin' down and out,
I pretend I'm jump and jivey,
Don't tell 'em 'bout my toothache,
Or my bout with poison ivy!

I want to show my Fazebook friends,
I'm happy and successful,
Why bring them down with rotten news,
And make their lives more stressful.

Folks will tell about their cruise,
How everything was first rate,
But fail to mention the spoiled fish,
That made them 'gurgitate!

The family reunion was a hit,
On Fazebook it sounded fun,
Of course we never hear about,
How Uncle Charlie used his gun!

Fazebook is for nicey nice,
For puppy dogs and kittens,
We don't tell about our problems much,
We keep that all unwritten.

So then, is everyone as happy,
As they pretend to be on Fazebook,
Of course they're not, but we all knew,
Uncle Charlie was a crook...anyway!
BURMA SHAVE

I HOPE MY MIND KEEPS IMAGINATING

I keep losing a bit of my mind every day, it's sad to say,

Faces I knew so well in the past are fading fast.

I even forget names like Spencer Tracy, one of the best,

Funny how I can remember Evelyn West, and her $50,000 Treasure Chest!

However, my greatest fear and trepidation is losing my imagination.

I can be strong and young again, watch the trains at Union Station,
ride the "street cars" of St. Louis, in my imagination.

Alas, my memory grows so dim I'm losing "banks" to draw from,
I remember mom feeding homeless men, back then they called them "bums."

I'm glad I still remember that,
Her kindness so extreme,
I'm not as good as she was,
Not even in my dreams.

I need to write about the things I saw since my creation, but if I forget some details I've got my imagination!
BURMA SHAVE

SOUND THE ALARM

Sound the alarm, because the state of the Union is not as it should be,

Sound the alarm, because millions still are not free,

Sound the alarm, at wake up and in the still mid night,

Sound the alarm, but be prepared to fight,

There are those who wish to do you harm if you sound the alarm,

So build a wall around you, no, not of brick and mortar, but of truth and integrity,

So everyone can see you're not at all like me!

BURMA SHAVE

I Wish I Could Have A Beer

A beer is such a simple pleasure, 

Like an ice cold golden treasure,

But I can't drink the brew so fair,

Since diabetes climbed my stair.

He came to visit suddenly,

And brought me thirst, the urge to pee,

Sheer exhaustion, health cost fear,

Oh, how I wish I had a beer!

I used to drink beer all the time,

Not enough to cloud my mind,

Just pure refreshment for the heat,

Now I have numbness in my feet.

From what they call neuropathy,
That sometimes overpowers me,
My meds make all my thoughts unclear,
Worse than if I'd had a beer!


Diabetes is a devil,
He's not on the straight and level,
He'll give you sweets and call you dear,
And then he'll take away your beer!
BURMA SHAVE

LIGHT FROM THE PIT
by Danny Maness

Hear my cries echoing from the pit,

Clap, clap, clap ancient ones,

While the yellow brick walls ooze green slime,

How can I scale the steep wall,

with the slippery slide of prejudice surrounding me?

Maya Angelou felt the hopelessness of the pit,

Her fears were based on the reality of things seen,

A tragic childhood memory never forgotten,

Then the piling on, piling on,

Until she finally realized she was Maya Angelou.

The light beaming from her face,

Could have only been ignited in the pit,

That face, HER face was sheer joy,

The antithesis of hate, and bigotry.

How bright a glow from the lamp,

burning in the deepest darkest places,

A light out in the sunshine can barely be seen,

But how clear the flame lit in the darkness.

I have a pit to climb from every day,

Oh, how I've prayed to have Maya Angelou's spirit,

I'm not even close,

I wonder if she can throw me a ladder now?

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAYWEDNESDAY  WEDNESDAY

The opening scene shows the Silver Sausage (Gary and Yellow Rose's spaceship) simply floating among the countless number of shining stars in this little ole place we like to call the universe.

Now the camera lens zooms in closer and closer on the Silver Sausage, until it's looking right through a porthole to where we can see Yellow Rose and Gary working on something very complicated and technical looking, like a master computer, with wires sticking out, switches, blinking lights, and NO INSTRUCTIONS!

Gary - "Would you hand me that sqwats wrench, Yellow Rose?"

Yellow Rose - "Why would you need a sqwats wrench, Gary? A sqwats wrench is way too big to fit into that small space you're working in, and it's only used for removing tricanstipated electronated toilets!"

Gary - "I know that, Yellow Rose. I just need something long enough to scratch my back."

Yellow Rose - "I'll scratch your back for you, because you need to keep focused on this job! If we don't get this fixed we will never be able to complete another mission, save millions of innocent alien creatures, and emulsificate giant, ugly, stinking, evil space creatures, which is loads of fun! Right, Gary?

Gary - "Ooou...ooou! A little to the left, Y.R.!"

Yellow Rose - "Okay, enough back scratching for you! Did you hear anything I said?"

Gary - "Yes, I realize that fixing this is probably the most important thing I'll ever do aboard this ship, but  how can I concentrate when you're scratching my back so exquisitely?"

Yellow Rose - "Oh, brother! Let me give it a try!" 

In about 22 sparsex of tom, Yellow Rose had everything back together, pushed the button, and nothing happened!

Gary - "Aha, smarty pants! You couldn't get it to work either!"

All of a sudden, Gary is startled by the sound of the device working like a charm!

Gary - "Yellow Rose! How did you do that? It's a miracle!"

Yellow Rose - "Not exactly Gary. I just noticed it wasn't plugged in, and had not been plugged in from the time you started tearing it apart!"

Gary - "Hee, hee, hee. That's funny, right? My bad! 

Well, at least we can go on our missions again, now that the COFFEE MAKER is fixed!

I WONDER WHAT HITLER WOULD HAVE DONE!

I wonder if Hitler would have treated the American people nice, if we had lost WWII? 

Do you think he would have shown us respect, and left all of our lands and possessions alone like we did with the German people?

Maybe he wouldn't have rounded us up, like he did the Jews, and murdered us by the millions!

He might have shown us mercy and had us work in quarries, digging rocks by hand, women, children, and elderly, until we died!

Thankfully, this is something we will never know, because of the great American warriors who gave their lives to keep us free!

SONG FOR SUNDAY

Being part of the YouTube family is like being in Vaudeville, but not getting any money. Well, most Vaudevillians didn't make any money, either, unless you were a BIG TIME performer, like Al Jolson.

Al Jolson in black face and singing Mammy would not go over too well nowadays, but he was a big hit back then.

I think I'm drifting away from my point, as usual, but my point is that like Vaudeville, YouTube has actors, comics, singer/songwriters, animal acts, musicians, and just about anything you can imagine to entertain us, but the difference is, most YouTubers only want a little recognition for what they do.

So, that's why I wrote this song. It is supposed to send the message that it's nice for friends and family members to show a little love for the hard work someone has put in to writing a song, or a poem, or even thinking up a comedy bit and sharing it with them.

Here it is: 

MAYBE I'M JOST MISTUNDERSOOD

Treeless flights of transferable wilderness will rove aboot in epidemia forever, with significant, spellbinding lizardy amongst the belligerent cees. 

It's disguised in lavender mist, lavender kissed in the eerie morn', for the easy, breezy negotiators of the 7th dimensional realm of being.

How deep and dreamy are the fungus laden peace pods a-waiting consumption by the Plutorian population who are unaware of the mysterious properties in the "pods," turning them yellow...ssslowwwly...blue...ssssllloooowly...imaginating ......things...soft...flexible...yellowssslowwwly...blue...ssssllloooowly...imaginating ...things...soft...flexible...yellow...ssslowwwly...blue...ssssllloooowly...imaginating ...things...soft...flexible...

Skyless transparent monkey paws hover above the cremational segment of the pure facilities, cleansed by faux fire ever so painstakingly, with arrested ambivalence and irreverence every Tuesday afternoon.

Being mistundersood is never, ever, ever a ripe banana, or kitty vomit, as everyone nose, It's just what it is, bro.

Ask Danny...The Answer Man

Dear Danny...Every tom I walk to the Dollar Store to buy my cigarettes, an alien spacecraft follows me back and forth, and shoots a green, glowin' liquid into my ears! What should I do? 

Signed, Clem

Dear Clem...Don't go to the Dollar Store.

Dear Danny...I have a talking dog. He can recite the Gettysburg Address, the Pledge of Allegiance, and name all of the books of the bible! Do you think I should try to get him on T.V.?

From Lucy.

Dear Lucy...He sounds a bit too conservative for the prime time shows, unless he's gay. Maybe Fox news would have him on if he could learn a few anti-Obama slogans.

Dear Danny..We are planning a trip around the world! We want to go to all of the most exclusive places, eat only the most expensive gourmet foods, bring hundreds of our friends with us, and not pay a dime! How do we do that?

Signed, Barack and Michelle Obama

Dear Barack and Michelle...That was NOT funny!

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

The vast landscape of the purple, mountainous, rainy planet of Schnooks seemed to go on forever, as Gary and Yellow Rose flew their shuttle craft at tree top level, in search of the two headed Deetommumsthewitch Beast!

"This is like finding a beagle in a smokestack," Gary whined to Yellow Rose!

"Gary, if you don't know those ancient earth sayings, don't even try quoting them," Yellow Rose said in a frustrated way.

"I thought that was right, Yellow Rose!" Is it "an eagle in a knapsack?"

"No, Gary!"

"How about "a beetle in a ..."

"STOP! STOP! A needle in a haystack, a needle in a haystack, Gary!"

"Oh, yeah, that's it! What's a haystack, Yellow Rose?"

The scene now changes to the dark, damp rain forest of Schnooks, where we hear the rustling of leaves, and then start to see the dim, hazy outline of a creature far too frightening to describe at this point in the story!

Back to the shuttle craft...shuttle, shuttle!

"Gary, do you know why we are on this mission to capture the Deetommumsthewitch Beast, everything was so hush, hush before we lifted off Glirka."

I did not get the official report, Yellow Rose, but rumor has it the Deetommumsthewitch Beast landed on the planet of Amoxicill and ate the whole population!

"What was the population, Gary?" 

"222! After that, the beast went planet hopping...burning, looting, emulsificating, cannibalizing, and generally having a great time in a beastly sort of way!

The stare-o-scope begins to beep...beep...beep...and the image of a two headed beast appears on the screen. Gary and Yellow Rose immediately land the shuttle craft (shuttle, shuttle) where the coordinates shewed where the beast doth dwell!

"Wow, Yellow Rose! The two suns of Schnooks are rising! That's good, because "the whirly bird catches the word!" 

"What did you say, Gary?"

"Uh, I mean, "the early berm catches the warm, Yellow Rose!"

"The early worm catches the bird?"

"Gary! Gary! "It's the early bird that catches the worm, but we ain't birds, and that gigantic, two headed beast in front of you is no worm!"

The two headed beast moves closer and closer to our heroes and our brave adventures do not back down! 

As the beast moves slowly into the light, Yellow Rose notices that both faces of the beast are smiling, and Gary sees that it has flowers in both hands! What gives? This is not a murderous, blood thirsty beast! 

Gary quickly messages the High Glirkheads and asks them why the Deetommumsthewitch Beast needed to be picked up, and they tell Gary it is to bring the sweet creature back to receive a universal award for kindness to creatures great and small!

After Yellow Rose hears this she is upset with Gary for saying the Beast was a killer, cannibal!

Gary says, "I said they were just rumors!"

BLOGGADOCIOUS 222

by Danny Maness

Ellen had Sia on her show, singing the song Chandelier, with that 11 year old dancer who looks naked, but is wearing a thin body suit that really is embarrassing to an old septuagenarian like me. (Okay, I'm not a septuagenarian yet, but I love using that word)

I don't know where to begin, because EVERYTHING made me feel so uncomfortable, creepy, icky, and DUMBFOUNDED, very DUMBFOUNDED!

Maybe I should start at the moment Ellen introduced Sia, but explained Sia would not be looking at the camera. 
Huh? My first thought was maybe she shouldn't have chosen showbiz as a profession. 

After that, I see the stage setting of a bedroom and there is a silhouette of a naked girl in the window, looking right at the camera! 

Now this is confusing, and it gets more confusing when Sia starts dancing all around the room, making weird faces at the cockadoodie camera!! What gives!! I thought she wasn't gonna...but wait...who is that standing in the corner with her back to the audience?!

Oh my, how absolutely odd! The dancer is not Sia at all! The dancer is a skinny 11 year old girl rolling, writhing, and making the silliest faces while in a "birthday suit" kind of thingy!

The one that is standing in the corner like a schoolgirl who had misbehaved is...Sia! WHAT? WHAT?

Being a child of the 50's and 60's I understand "gimmicks" to make a band or a performer stand out.
Everybody had a gimmick!

The Beatles - Their hair.
Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull - Standing on one foot.
The Who - Rock Opera
Kiss - Do I really need to explain this?
Richie Havens - Hypnotic, powerful rhythmic guitar playing.
Devo - Hats.
Elvis - Shaking his pelvis.
Smashing Pumpkins - Smashing pumpkins.

Gimmicks I can handle...but watching someone standing in a dark corner of a bedroom, singing to the wall...while a little girl hops, skips, jumps, gyrates, does really wacky facial movements, and causes herself to be ogled by 5 million people all over the world is difficult for my dilapidated brain to wrap around!