Political Correctness Is Feckless

It's so hard being perfect in a politically correct world. Especially when you're 69 years old, forgetful and set in your ways, like someone I know. Me.

I never knew I was a racist, Islamophobe, homophobe, zenophobe, and white suppremicist, until recently. It comes as a big surprise, because I kinda like everybody that's nice to me, in spite of their race, national origin, or sexual orientation, which I NEVER ask about!

I do get a bit perturbed when someone tells me I'm not eating the politically acceptable foods, or not using gender neutral language, but that rarely happens, due to the fact I always look cranky, and no one wants to set me off.  An ugly scowl can be a blessing at times. 

My biggest problem in this P.C. generation is trying to remember all the rules! 

Should I hug a female of the opposite sex, or not? Is it proper to eat a pork chop sandwich while sitting next to a rabbi? Would I be in trouble if I told my grandkids that someone walking down the street looked weird? If I offered a homeless guy a job, would that be an insult to him? Is it unlawful to bop a bully in the nose? Can I still dress up in a Frankenstein's Monster costume on Halloween and terrify the little chitlins coming to my door? If I have a brief conversation with a local police officer, am I considered fraternizing with the enemy by left leaning individuals? Is putting my dog on a leash to take him for a walk considered doggie abuse, by P.E.T.A., or is swatting a fly insect abuse? 

Scary stuff! According to a lot of frustrated folks, we are destined to burn in Hades for an eternity by violating ANY of their made up rules...if they believed in Hades...and they don't.

In conclusion (you thought it would NEVER come, right?), remember what this legendary singer sang so many moons ago, that describes the attitude of the self centered "elite" finger pointers of the 21st century....

This video nailed it, right? Right? Maybe not.

Elvis Passed Away 42 Years Ago?

42 years ago, today, the greatest entertainer of all time (in my personal opinion) passed away at the age of 42. 

The whole world mourned. 

I was so fortunate to have been born at the perfect time to watch his entire career skyrocket into the stratosphere. 

From his first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show to his record breaking performances in Las Vegas, he brought audiences to their feet in pure excitement, or made them weep, as he sang sweet, tender ballads or gospel tunes. 

It didn't hurt that he was so good looking that women fell in love with him and men wanted to BE him, which is evident from all the guys who did their best to imitate him. 

His voice was so velvety smooth that he could have sung the numbers in a phone book and it would have sounded wonderful! (I'll explain phone books to you young whipper snappers if you send me a text)

Elvis loved his mother, his country, his family, and his fans! Even though he fell victim to pain killers, he continued providing amazing entertainment to his fans up to the end!

There will never be another Elvis, and I'm so happy to have grown up in his era. 

In conclusion, my favorite Elvis movie is Blue Hawaii, and here is my favorite scene...

Maybe my favorite scene from ANY movie!!!

A Blog Every Cockadoodie Day

My sworn duty is to provide a humorous to hysterical blog for you EVERY SINGLE DAY! Not every other day, or Wednesday through Friday, or only two days of the week, but EVERY SINGLE COCKADOODIE DAY!!

I hope I didn't frighten you with the Kathy Bates gif from "Misery!" What an unsettling movie! I just got chills thinking about it!! Brrrrr!!!

Where was I? Oh, yes...I'm a big slacker!! I'm so far removed from my greatest cartoon hero, Horton!!

Horton was a stand up elephant! Well, he was sitting down on the egg, but STILL a stand up elephant...meaning he kept his promises, no matter what!! 

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go back and watch the cartoon I pirated. It's very inspirational!! 

Yes, it's true that a lot of important issues have come up in recent days, but I'm not one to make excuses, brothers and sisters...I take full responsibility...the buck stops here...and don't take any wooden nickles!! 

Here's the skinny, folks! I try, I REALLY try to put up a blog article every day, but...(now, I'm not making excuses) there are certain "forces" that are working diligently to put the kibosh on my brilliant, beauteous, bold, beneficial, baffling blog!

Forces such as extradimensional beings traveling interdimensionally, to throw virtual monkey wrenches in my path to prevent me from creating my one dimensional blog!

My lawn...mostly weeds...and plants and flowers conspiring to keep me preoccupied with mowing, trimming, watering, feeding, singing to them, pulling them, and just glaring at them in a trance like state! (remember...these are not excuses...these are conspiracies and other worldly attempts to suppress Bloggadocious 222...(whadya mean, what's Bloggadocious 222?)

My talking inanimate objects around the house, like the dishes, who say, "wash us, waaaash us, that's the least you can do around the house, you lazy bum!"

Another force of nature is Chevy, the Chorkie dog, who cares not one whit about my blog legacy, but insists on taking me for a walkie every two hours, even when a blog deadline is impending!!

If all this sounds like a lot of lame excuses, you do not understand the seen and unseen entities, dead set on eliminating my bodacious, blossoming blog before it builds up the brains of you beautiful bloggies! 

I'll try to stay on schedule henceforth, my fellow Bloggadocians! 

Onward And Yonward!!!

Out Of This World Wednesday...

Glirkazoids And Asteroids

In our last exciting episode we witnessed our super special spaze scouts, Gary and Rosie, escaping the belly of the fearsome flying spaze monster with the scientific name of  philiskaptiustackadacdanipickathiseatacusallieus (aka Phil).

Phil

Gary - "What a slimy mess, Rosie! We have philiskaptiustackadacdanipickathiseatacusallieus guts all over the Silver Sausage spazeship!"

Rosie - "That's the downside of exploding a philiskaptiustackadacdanipickathiseatacusallieus from the inside out, but a quick zap from our laser phaser cleaning tool (Rosie presses a white button  on the dashboard) will eliminate that gelatinous junk in just a phark!" (a phark is half a specknik)

Gary - "Wow! That actually worked, Rosie! The Silver Sausage is as clean as a Plurillian Plunging Pool before a health code inspection..but why or we glowing?!"

Rosie - "That's the downside of zapping that gooey slime, but the upside is we won't need to turn on any lights for two daatrums!"

At that, an urgent message comes across the Urgent Message Device (U.M.D.), and it goes something like this...

Flying boulders, watch for rocks,

asteroids can knock your socks,

make corrections, change directions,

stones will 'cause deep imperfections,

in the Silver Sausage hull, 

very soon life won't be dull!

Your friend, Rhymesauce

Gary - "Hey! Whaddaya know? Good ole Rhymy sent us one of his cool rhymes, Rosie! We haven't heard from him in several millenniums of time dimensional stratos..."

Rosie - "You idiot! This is not just a poem he sent for our amusement! It's a ...

Rosie and Gary look out at the dark blackness of  spaze ahead of them and see a sea of asteroids heading for them! Or maybe the Silver Sausage is heading for the asteroids! Either way, they will soon be in some deep sheep dip! 

Gary - "Oh, my, Rosie! How will we make it to Neprotonicus 11 to take the Great Jewel of Neprotonicus 11 to Neprotonicus 12, before Neprotonicus 11 implodes, if we cannot skillfully circumnavigate through this massive asteroid field that Rhymy warned us about...a bit too late?!"

Rosie - "You moron, the warning would not have been too late if you hadn't taken the time to watch your favorite Rhymesauce video before scanning the perimeter!!"

Gary - "I LOVE it so much, Rosie! Rhymy mentions "peaceful Glirkazoids" at the end of it!"

Rosie - "Not exactly, Bozo! He ACTUALLY  mentions Glirkazoids "who come in peace!"

Gary - "Same difference, goofball!"

Rosie - "VAST difference, turrlick head!!" (a turrlick is a hideous creature from the planet of Zonatross with a gigantic head and teensy weensy brain)

Whilst our iconic spaze warriors bicker like bickerbatts (bickerbatts are creatures...never mind), the Silver Sausage spazeship whizzes into the John Astin Asteroid Belt, unnoticed by our guttural growling Glirkazoids! (Glirkazoids begin making creepy guttural sounds in even the mildest of disputes)

Rosie - "GARY!!! LOOK!!! We just whizzed into the John Astin Asteroid Belt, how will we navigate the billions of asteroids?"

Gary - "We won't NAVIGATE the billions of asteroids, numbskull...we'll CIRCUMNAVIGATE the big rocks!"

Rosie - " How can we circumnavigate the asteroids when we're already in the middle of them, dufus?! Circumnavigate means to go around them!!"

Gary - " Here I'm trying to save our Glirkazoid glutes, and you are hooked up on semantics, Rosie! CIRCUMnavigate means to zig zag through the John Astin Asteroid Belt, NOT, GO AROUND!!"

At this point, Rosie and Gary begin emitting the low, menacing, guttural sounds again, whilst the sound of rocks hitting the shiny hull of the Silver Sausage spazeship keep getting louder and louder!!! 

Rosie - "Even though I'm right about the meaning of circumnavigate, we need to do something before we get knocked around like a pinball in a pinball machine!" 

Rosie and Gary both speak at once..."We'll BLAST our way through!!! 

In half a nanu sekkond, Rosie sets the enormous emulsificator on spray (like those spray bottles that have the off/stream/spray settings, and the death dealing asteroids are totally emulsificated into smoking ash!!!

Rosie - "That worked REAL good, Gary! Did you ever notice how ofTen we get out of trouble at the last moment?"

Gary - "It's not ofTen...it's pronounced offen...the t is silent!"

Rosie - "Who told you that, butter brain?"

Gary - "It's ALWAYS been that way, stoopnagle!"

Let's leave our spaze heroes before they start growling at each other again, shall we? 

Mark your Glirkazoid Spaze Calendar for next Wednesday, so you will not miss another dynamic episode of...

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY!!!

Freewheelin' Friday..Hold On Tight

I'm justa hankerin' to call this "Freewheelin' Friday," because Friday is a good day for feelin' free, drivin' your "wheels" to nowhere in particular, blowin' the stink off, relaxin', takin' a well deserved break, and preparin' yoself fo a wild and woolly weekend, brothers and sisters!!

That's not all, friends! On Friday I write Bloggadocious 222 with a, kinda, reckless abandon, that may be impossible for the uninitiated to comprehend, but not for YOU, my faithful blog readers.

Group photo of my faithful readers. 

For instance, I distinctly remember when my dad bought a convertible car when I was about 3 years old, I think, and a hail storm came through St. Louis and destroyed the top! After that, a careless ash from a cigarette, inadvertently, flew into the back seat and caught it on fire, so thereafter, us kids had to sit on wooden boxes back there until dad bought a new car.

We will refer to that car as "Old Lucky," if we ever have the rare opportunity to mention it again.

What else? Oh, yeah, the time I was swimming in the river at Sam A. Baker State Park in Missouri (I think it's a river...maybe just a big creek), anyway, I did a handstand on the bottom of the river/creek, and a 4 inch piece of "bob-wire" went through my hand, right under the thumb area. It hurt!

Actual photo of location where I was skewered at Sam A. Baker State Park

My dad pulled out the wire, and my mom was gathering everybody up so I could go to the doctor for a tetanus shot. However, my old grandpa Estey was there with us, and said we should just rub some dirt on it, or axle grease, or something, and my mom (who was never at a loss for words) said "shut up you old fool," or something like that, and I got the shot. 

I know that none of this makes one speck of difference in your lives, and I totally understand that. On the other hand, very shortly, the world will change into a place where simple story telling, anecdotes, off the cuff remarks,  jive talkin', extemporaneous speech, impromptu language, over the fence conversations, and basic chatter will be a thing of the past. It will be replaced by electronical, politically correctigated, monitored, sterilized, government approved, safety equpped, non-hurtful speech!! 

And brothers and sisters, we're about two steps away!!!