ST. LOUIS SUNDAY

ST. Louis Sportsman's Park 1926

Baseball is the biggest religion,

That's the fact, Jack, and true,

There is always, ALWAYS somethin' to do,

In St. Louis the town of my birth,

No! Who said I was from Perth?

Australia is 10,000 miles away from the housing projects where I used to play,

On the south side of that beer town,

where the sky was often brown, back then,

from the smokestacks of all the dirty factories, when working hard was not a sin.

We went to the Highlands, and the zoo.

On a sunny day, and then the special, magical Veiled Prophet Parade, 

That was dark and majestic, and I didn't really understand what it meant, 

With the princesses, and the man in the veil.

The enormous Clydesdales, mane and tail.

Dad played baseball in the Muny League,

Back when he was young and strong,

With his blazing speed,

Then he would take me to the bar,

With his baseball cronies,

Real honest guys, no phonies.

They would buy me anything I desired,

A coke, beer nuts, could all be acquired,

From hardened men who had gone to war, In WW2 , but I had no clue who they were,

And how they kept us free,

At 8 years old it was all about me.

People would just stop by back then,

No phone calls ahead of time,

The houses were free from dirt and grime,

So they could drop in anytime.

Mondays the women hung out their clothes,

So they could compare white to white,

And they would seldom shout or fight,

Because it was all white as the whitest snow,

Anywhere you cared to go.

We made up games with sticks and cans,

And listened to the radio about Stan the Man,

And take our broom handle and make a swat,

Just like him in the vacant lot,

In St. louis, in the summer.....so awful hot!!

NEWS FLASH

I'm changing Surreal Saturdays to...

 Saturday Morning Post!!

Why?

Because I can!!

SATURDAY MORNING POST!!

KITTENS INDICTED IN MILK HEIST

TINY MITTENS FOUND AT SCENE OF CRIME

 PRIME MINISTER H. DUMPTY HAS GREAT FALL HORSES PERFORM UNSUCCESSFUL SURGERY

WARRANT OUT FOR HANSEL AND GRETEL

 FOR EATING POOR OLD WOMAN'S HOME 

SUSPECTS HAVE DISAPPEARED

M. MUFFETT ENTERS MENTAL WARD FOR SERIOUS CASE OF ARACHNOPHOBIA

PETA MEMBERS UP IN ARMS OVER CRUEL TREATMENT OF 24 BLACKBIRDS BAKED IN PIE

3 BILLY GOATS CHARGED IN DROWNING OF 

O. TROLL AT OAK STREET BRIDGE 

IN STRANGE RELATED INCIDENTS 

PEOPLE WITNESS AMAZING MUSICAL CAT PLAYING FIDDLE, COW ALLEGEDLY JUMPING OVER THE MOON, AND A DISH COME TO LIFE , GROW LEGS, AND RUN AWAY WITH A SPOON

LSD FOUND ON EYE WITNESSES

FAN FRIDAYS

I am a BIG fan of all of my 7 granddaughters,

but Breanna and Brooklin deserve a little special recognition today!

The video speaks for itself!

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY

I'm always tired,

Every job I had I quit, or was fired.

I left the burner on and melted the bottom of the pan,

My real name is Danny, but some folks call me Dan.

I walk Benji about 7 times a day,

That's when I take time to pray.

I pray for my granddaughters and my beautiful wife,

God keep them safe from harm, thanks for allowing them in my life.

Sometimes I feel guilty over cruel things I've done,

And these dark thoughts of shame seem to spoil life's fun.

I tell myself, don't think about it , my sins are forgiven,

But it's often so bad, that I don't feel like livin'.

I'm joyful at church, praising God with my songs,

And I know that He loves me, in spite of my wrongs.

However, I fear when I walk out the door,

I'll make such a mistake, God won't love me no more.

I know that the Bible tells me I'm saved,

From the worry of death in an eternal grave.

I know that it's true, in my heart it does dwell,

But what I deserve is the worst kind of Hell.

The words I am sharing should not be discouraging,

In fact, I am hoping they will be encouraging,

If you are a miserable misfit like me,

If you are a blind man who so wants to see,

If you are a prisoner who wants to be free,

If you want the door opened and can't find the key,

Jesus is gonna love you know matter what you've done in the past, because that's his job, and let's face it, he already knows all of the nasty deeds you've done and hasn't obliterated your butt yet, has he?!

Don't get me wrong, though. 

I am imperfect, REAL imperfect, and still have my doubts, fears, nasty thoughts, anger, depression...and it is very difficult for me to understand how God can forgive me for what I am...

But I guess I'll just have to take his word for it!

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Dear God,
Welcome into your arms all the innocent ones who perished in the Oklahoma tornado, and please bless and comfort the families and friends of those who are with you now in heaven.
We know your ways are higher than our ways, and your thoughts higher than our thoughts, so please give the sufferers of this, and other tragic disasters, the faith, strength, and courage to continue on with the understanding you will make all things right one day.

Revelation 21:4

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

AMEN!

Out Of This World Wednesday has been cancelled today, because I am extremely sad, depressed, verklempt, upset, confused, mystified, bothered, uneasy, forlorn, disappointed, uh, let's see, frustrated, and discouraged!

Why? You ask.

Well, I'll tell you why!

I have been getting about 100 views on my blog each day, and yesterday I only had 16!!

Okay, how did I tick you guys off?!

Anyway, I'm not one to hold this against yawl, as my sweet devoted Yellow Rose would say it.

However, it just so happens I have prepared a little test on everything I've written in my blog thus far.

Your completed test results will be sent to the Glirkazoid Educational Informational, Gravitational Committee to determine your eligibility for life in their coming new order, after they eliminate all the slackers on earth.

You have 37 minutes. You may begin.

The Big Test

Comprehensive Test On The Whole “Cockadoodie” Blog!

Circle the correct answer. ( No, not with your pen. I want you to physically walk around it in a circle, knucklehead!)

A. Gregatton is a giant, ruthless, God-like, tyrannical, grotesque, alien creature that thirsts for human blood.
B. Greggatton is cute.

A. A real and true hippy could be described as a hard working, 40 hour week kind of guy/girl.
B. A real and true hippy avoided work like Maynard G. Krebs. (WORK!)

A. The words Los Angelos and Las Vegas sound very similar.
B. You’d have to be a stupid idiot to hear Los Angelos and think you heard Las Vegas.

A. Adam Lambert is a human life form.
B. Adam Lambert is an alien life form from a planet called Lolalykesymunkowl.

A. Tony Dow is the greatest American actor.
B. Tony Dow invented oven cleaner.

A. Richie Havens is the greatest singer of all time.
B. Joni Mitchell is the greatest singer, songwriter, artist; EVERYTHING, JUST EVERYTHING WONDERFUL! She’s not bad, for a girl. (I love you, Joni! Why haven’t you called me?)
C. All of the above.

MULTIPLES OF CHOICE QUESTIONS
( WOW! What a diverse final exam!)
Put a check next to the correct answer. And make it out to Danny Maness. I.D. will be required. Thank you.

One of the most important pieces of equipment for hitchin’ is:  A. An accordian. (No, but that would be cool.)
B. A sign. (Hint; This is the correct answer.)
C. Moose antlers. (Another cool idea!)
D. Old VHS of Mr. Magoo portraying Scrooge, and as everybody knows; The voice of Mr. Magoo was hilariously done by Jim Backus, who also played “the rich guy” on Gilligan’s Island, and that cartoon “virgin” of A Christmas Carol was actually very good.

What is the galaxy in which we earthlings are located?
A, The Milky Way.
B. The Snickers.
C. The Ford 500.
D. The Wilbur Fodnick.


Name the cutest, sweetest girl in the whole history of the Pattonville R3 School District:
A. Gayle McCormick ( Class of 66; Sang “Baby It’s You” with a band named “Smith.” REALLY!)
B. Delma Kirkland
C. Janice Puckett
D. Jennifer Corbin
E. Vicki Bumpus
F. Charlyn Wilcox ( Hint; Pick this one!)

The greatest coach at Pattonville was:
A. Coach Hitler.
B.Coach Stalin.
C.Coach Lucifer.
D. Coach Beck. ( Who also held the shot-putt record at Ritenor High School for over 100 years or something like that.)

What is the best way to keep from falling asleep when you’re trying to stay awake, drive and survive alive?
A. Chewing gum.
B. Rolling down the window.
C. Turning the radio up, full blast.
D. Forget it. Nuthin’ works!

A tee shirt with the cover picture of “Chicken’s Butts and Coconuts” on the front and the cover picture of “Hitchin’ on the back, would be:
A. Awesome.
B. Stupid.
C. Weird.
D. Something I would order as gifts for all my dear friends and family members. Maybe I’ll order 500 to begin with.

UNDERLINE TRUE OR FALSE
(No, not here, silly. Down below where the questions are.)

1. My big brother, Dave, was Mr. St. Louie. True or False.  (It’s false. He was Mr. St. LOUIS; No self-respecting St. Louisian calls it St. Louie, Louie!)

2. The song “Follow”, sung by Richie Havens, puts the author of this blog “THERE. True or False. (Take a wild guess.)

3. The song, “Winchester Cathedral” can make the author of this book physically sick. ( You’re kidding me, right? Then go listen to the “cockadoodie” song, dumbhead!)


5. White Castle Hamburgers are better now than they were in 1956. True or False. ( Yes, I Do  remember 1956, and I also remember White Castle Hamburgers priced at 5 cents.)

6. The refreshing liquid prohibited at Pattonville football practices was Dom Perignon 1975. True or False ( Hint; We gradumagated in 1968.)

7. Rick Robberson knocked me on my “assk me now no questions” and I deserved it. True or False.

FILL IN THE BLANKS
(This is a really, really diverse test. Don’t you think?)
(Yes, This is DI-Verse test I’ve ever taken! BA-DUM!)

1. The periscope-like device used to STARE at earthlings by the Glirkazoids is known as a _____________. (Hint; Rhymes with periscope.)

2.One of the most hated things about Hitchin’ are the sharp tiny_______ that pelt unprotected parts of my body as if I was  being tortured with nasty little needles.

3. Russell Rue had a voice that sounded exactly like E____F_____.

4. This test is really______! ( Who wrote LAME?)

5. Without a doubt, this is the funniest book ever written. The second funniest is C_______B____and C_________.

6. The author of this book is totally_______! ( Go ahead. I can take it.)

AGREE OR DISAGREE

( Black out the word you DON’T  want as an answer; This leaves the correct answer out in plain sight, which makes grading a hell of a lot easier.)

1. “The Jerk” is the best movie ever made. Agree or Disagree.

2. The game that Glirkazoids live for is called “The Game.” Agree or Disagree.


5. When I go to heaven, the dog I loved as a child will be there to greet me. Agree or Disagree.

6. Only wealthy people can afford to go to professional sporting events anymore. Agree or Disagree. (Sad, isn’t it.)

7. Stand up comics never curse. Agree or Disagree.

8. Baby kittens are ugly. Agree or Disagree.

9. People either love cats or hate them, there’s no in between. Agree or Disagree. (I  personally think cats are cool.)

10. If I  take a close look at a Praying Mantis (No, not Maness) it appears to be a creepy terrifying alien creature that can turn it’s horrible head and give me the evil eye! Agree or Disagree. 

11. Biting into a Popsicle stick sends chills up my spine. Agree or Disagree. (Well, it does me.) 

12. I LOVE  hearing people pop their knuckles. Agree or Disagree.

13. Professional athletes don’t make enough money. Agree or Disagree.

14. The sound of someone scraping their fingernails on a chalkboard is soothing. Agree or Disagree.

15. Pit Bulls are bad dogs. Agree or Disagree. (Hint; There is no such thing as a bad dog; Just bad owners.)  

16. Giraffs are cool. Agree or Disagree.

17. Pepsi is the best soda. Agree or Disagree.

18. Coke is the best soda. Agree or Disagree.

19. Soda will kill me. Agree or Disagree.

20. The only reason I  watched “Family Matters” was to see Steve Urkel. Agree or Disagree.

21. Clowns make me happy. Agree or Disagree.

22. Clowns terrify me.   Agree or Disagree.

23. My favorite “Charlie’s Angel” was Sabrina.  Agree or Disagree. 



ESSAY QUESTION
( I always hated essay questions.  Agree or Disagee.)

Write 500 words on why you love Sarah Palin on the palm of your hand. ( NO!  I didn’t mean she would be sitting on.…never mind.)

BONUS ASSIGNMENT
(10,000 Points)

Make a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich without thinking about Elvis. (Thank you very much.)

TIMES UP! 

I sincerely hope you pass the test and are able to prove to the Glirkazoids you should not be "emulsaficated" to bits!!

HAVE A NICE DAY!

TRAVELIN' TUESDAY

Paul Bass...a brilliant and sophisticated high school, and grade school alum of mine inquired about getting a copy of my classic, inspirational book that looks like this:

I was extremely flattered and honored that someone who is much more intelligent and handsome than me (like most of my high school buddies) would want my dysfunctional book, but also sad and sorry to have to tell him the book sold out, and there are no more spare books available, but after that, I became happy to let him know he could find many excerpts from BOTH my books on my blog! YAY!!!

Here is just one example from the very first pages of my Hitchin' book:

This book is dedicated to GREG BATTON. Radio talk show host, WMBD 1470 AM. Peoria, Il.
I sent Greg a very rough copy of my first book and he gave me all the encouragement I needed to keep on keepin’ on with my writing.
Even though he’s a big shot, superstar radio personality, he ALWAYS answers my emails, laughs at my dumb jokes and has become one of my best friends! 
He and his lovely wife Yvonne are REAL people! Down to earth and filled with love for others. I wish I could find the words to express my deep thankfulness for his kindness------- Hey! I can do that right now! THANKS GREG! I LOVE YA, MAN!

https://www.facebook.com/greg.batton?fref=pb&hc_location=friends_tab#

TABLE OF CONTENTS

(Contents; Canvas shelters that convicts use when camping.)

Chapter 1.  The Sojourn Ends and begins and ends and……..1.

Chapter 2.  The Superior Race……………………………….....23. 

Chapter 3.  The Glirkazoids………………………………..........39.

Chapter 4.  More Beer For Pattonville High……………53.

Chapter 5.  The San Francisco Kid……………………………82.

Chapter 6.  Rocky Mountain, Hi………………………………...95.

Chapter 7.  Mr. St. Louis………………………………..............116.

Chapter 8. Hitchin’ 101 or Highway 101. Whatever.128.

Chapter 9.  Greggatton The Great!………………………….132.

Chapter 10. The Big Test……………………………….............136.

Chapter 11.  Hitchin’... God’s Way Of Letting You 
                     Know You Don’t Have A Car……………..145.

CHAPTER 1
The Sojourn Ends and begins and ends and begins and……….

Picture in your mom, a gorgeous, golden,  gigantic...no, wait... gargantuan, Glirkazoid Muther………………….

There I go again, forgetting my manners!
Hi! Nice to see you again! Did you lose weight? Wow! That much, huh? Oh, sorry to hear that.
Well, the diarrhea can take the pounds off alrighty!

What else?
Ouch! A boil on your butt? 
Ohhhh, a BIG boil on your butt.
Did they lance it? 
I’ll bet that hurt!

Come on. You must be kidding me! 
I think Preparation H is still the best thing for that.

Oh, bummer. That’s a shame.
Viagra doesn’t help?
Too bad, man. 
What a tough break!

Now, let me tell you about the major operation I had last July!

I was working up on my roof and started feeling a little dizzy, soooooo,………………….Say, what?
Get back to the book?
Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! Thanks, amigo! Rock on!

Everybody ready?

Count with me!
One, two, what’s he gonna do?
Three, four, tell some more.
Five, six, the clock tock ticks.
Seven, eight, we kin hardly wait!
Nine, ten, now let’s begin!
( Wasn’t that stupid?)

Picture in your mom, a gorgeous, golden, gargantuan, Glirkazoid, “Muther Ship!”

A 222 class ship, that is hovering about 42,000 zag-knots above the Arizona desert.

Is it shaped like a saucer?
No.
A cigar?
No, not that either. 
As a matter of fact, it is shaped like all upscale Glirkazoid ships. 
A casaba melon.

While the outside of the ship is stunningly beauteous, the inside is absolutely rapturous!

The gold and silver controls with instruments and gadgets spinning around, moving back and forth and up and down!

All at once we take in the most wonderfully beautiful and astonishing sights our poor, sore eyes have ever beheld!

Every square inch of the ceiling and walls are covered with rare, exquisite, colorful, priceless, 60’s and early 70’s album covers!

Joni Mitchell’s, Ladies Of The Canyon album cover, actually painted by her.

Cat Steven’s, Teaser And The Firecat, painted by him.

 Abby Road, that has a photo of the Beatles ... heck, everybody knows that already!

Sgt. Pepper’s.

 The White Album. ( Pure genius)

Led Zeppelin’s, Houses Of The Holy.

Cream’s, Disraeli Gears.

Aoxomoxoa, by The Grateful Dead.

The Relayer cover by Yes.

 Pink Floyd’s, The Dark Side Of The Moon 

And to save some tom, just think about ALL of your favorite album covers and that’s what you see. 

Now, I’m not saying all of these band members created these covers! I realize, most of them were done by artists who were very, very talented and awesome! 

However, I don’t know their names and I’m not taking the time to look them up! (Well, I do remember that Phil Hartman was one of them, but that’s it.)

We focus in on an adorable Glirkazoid, looking into a periscope type of thing-a-ma- bob.
The strange device allows him, or her (It’s hard to tell the difference with Glirkazoids) look down on muther earth and view pathetic earthlings. (The device is called a “stare-a-scope”)

I know what you are thinking. (You clever readers.) 
Why can’t humans see this enormous space vehicle?

Here is the really, really scientific and extremely technical answer to your surprisingly good question.

Whenever the muther ship senses detection by someone, it automatically turns on the, super secret and highly sophisticated  
“ ukont-seamy” device, which makes them totally and utterly invisible. 
( It doesn’t always work. Ask Jimmy Carter.)

Now, back to the cute little Glirkazoid looking through the “stare- a scope.”

We can now see what Lef-tenant Sqraatz can see, as he, or she, gazes upon the big blue ball we like to call earth.
(The upcoming special effects are soooo cool! I “borrowed” them from a movie I saw a few years ago.) 

First we see a grey, swirling, foggy blur.
Then, the blur slowly, begins to clear away and is replaced by white billowy nimbus clouds that hide the earth from our eager eyes.

The thick bank of cumulus clouds, I mean, nimbus clouds (Oh, what’s the big difference!) begin to part like the Red Sea ( Are you getting excited yet?) and we start to recognize those little squares, rectangles and circles.
( No! Not crop circles! How “out of it” do you think I am? That bad, huh?)

I’m talking about the squares, circles and stuff that you see from a plane. (However, I DO  remember walking through a cornfield in central Illinois back in 1973 and……………… We don’t have time for that right now)

Next, we slowly zoom in on the tops of mountains, red roofed homes, sawarrow cactus (I never could spell saguaro), blue swimming pools, semi-trucks, and tiny wittle cars moving up and down the roads.
 ( Ain’t they cute!)

(Now, pay close attention to the next part ‘cause it’s all about ME.)

(Cue, “Hitchin’ a Ride” by Vanity Fare.)

Alright.

The wide aerial view of Phoenix narrows down, narrows down, narrows down, smaller, smaller, and focuses in on the top of the head of a fuzzy haired 
(Not as fuzzy as Art Garfunkel’s, but more like Cat Stevens’ CURLY/FUZZY hair), slightly chubby hitchhiker.

He is wearing a black tee shirt, bell-bottoms, and sneakers. (I couldn’t wear sandals because they made my feet feel weird.)

Yeah, that’s right folks. It was little ole me.
A hippy. (Actually, just two-thirds of a hippy because I worked at a job most of the tom) Who’s tom?

We flash back to Lef-tenant Sqraatz looking at me through the “stare-a-scope” and just laughing his/her “krapper” off!


So ends this fascinating, awe inspiring excerpt from my second book, with the unusual title of:

TAA DAA!