Me Against The Weeds!!

I'm not an "environmentalist wacko," as Rush Limbaugh would say, in describing  someone fanatical about the environment. 

However, I do NOT like to use pesticides or herbicides on my lawn. They literally take my breath away, and I don't want our Chevy-dog to roll in poison.

On the other hand, the doggone weeds are taking over the yard, like Tribbles! 

I have a sneaking suspicion that our neighbors don't like the fact that we don't spray our lawn for weeds.

I got a hint from, we'll call him, Steve, my neighbor who said, "I wish the #%!&# folks around here would spray their weeds, their weed seeds are blowing into my pristine yard!!" 

I didn't see the need of explaining how the toxic chemicals make me stop breathing and could easily kill my dog, so I said, "You're right, Steve! We have a lot of BIG JERKS in the neighborhood!"

Of course, he knew I was the biggest culprit on the block, because he drives by my house every day and sees the vast amounts of TALL weeds growing amidst the short grass. 

That's the rub, brothers and sisters, the weeds grow 100 times faster than the grass, and I ain't gonna mow my lawn every stinkin' day, just to whack off the weeds! No sir!!

"But Danny," you say in a helpful kind of way, "there is a special tool you can purchase to remove weeds by hand, and eliminate the toxic, poisonous, methods." 

You're kidding, right? I'm OLD, and FEEBLE, and way too smart to remove 100,000 weeds by hand!

I already walk bent over! Imagine what would happen if I removed 150,000 weeds by hand! I'd end up in "Shady Vale" before my time! (Shady Vale  is my imaginary nursing home)(You may have noticed I went from 100,000 weeds to 150,000 weeds. That's how fast those suckers grow!)

If you guys, and gals have any suggestions on how to remove my weeds without any physical labor and no weed killers, please let me know. (By the way, I already tried that dish soap, salt and vinegar method, with so so results) 

By the way, May 8th is National Coke day, and...wait a minute...maybe I could pour Coke on my weeds! If it can clean a battery, and put a hole in a pound of baloney, it should easily kill my weeds! 

Unfortunately, I can't afford enough Coke to kill a million weeds.