TRAVELIN' TUESDAYS

Another thrilling episode of TRAVELIN' TUESDAYS... ripped off from my seldom read, frequently cursed at book...Hitchin'...God's Way Of Letting You Know You Don't Have A Car by Danny Maness!!! 

YAY!

Did you notice the subliminally placed words on the rocks, bottom right?

ROCKY MOUNTAIN HI!

(Cue the Rocky Mountain High song by John Denver)
(Opening scene: Me, stumbling up and down the “Rockies“) 
Wouldn't it be cool to play the "Rocky Mountain High" song while you read this blog posting? Sure it would!!

Readers: Hey, Danny!

Me: Wha?

Readers: We thought you were going to tell us all of the ins and outs, backwards and forwards... you know, all the secret details of hitchin'. But noooooooo, the Glirkazoids keep beamin’ you from here to there!
What gives?
We think your book is a ripoff!

(Readers begin chanting)
Your book is a ripoff! Your book is a ripoff!! YOUR BOOK IS A RIPOFF!!! Someone yells, “What do we want?” The crowd replies, “ Info on hitchin!" The same dude yells, “When do we want it?” The crowd replies, “NOW!”

And as you already know, you keep repeating the stupid chant over and over again. Fruitballs!

Me: Whoa, brothers and sisters!
Being transported by Glirkazoids, hither and thither across the old U.S. of A. in the 60’s and early 70’s was all a part of hitchin’!
Just ask any  ex-hippy and he or she will tell you how many times he or she found him or herself in strange and diverse places without any idea of how he or she got there!

Soooo, lets get back to the cockadoodie story, shall we?
The part before where I was so rudely  interrupted.

I find myself surrounded by gargantuan, beautific, snow capped mountains, and I’m a-walkin’ and a-singin’ a song.

I love to go a-wandering, Along the mountain track, 
And as I go I love to sing, My knapsack on my back,
Valderie, Valderah, Valderah, 
Valderah ha ha ha (ha ha ha ha)

Wow! What da heck was dat?
I yelled out, “Hi” and the mountain echoed back, HI, Hi, hi, hi, hi!
I said, “What a cool echo” and the mountain said, WHAT A COOL ECHO, WHAT A COOL ECHO, what a cool echo, what a cool echo!
“I love this”; I LOVE THIS, I LOVE THIS, I love this, I love this!

After that AWESOME, AMAZING  experience, I always tried to find places that had the best echoes.
I would stand in a canyon or maybe a boxed canyon, or on a butte; Oh, I don’t know, I could never get those geographical terms straight. A ridge? How about a plateau? No, I think it was usually a canyon.
Anyway, I would stand in or on some geographical feature and say this  word at the top of my lungs; “HIIIIIIIIIIIII!”

HIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Sometimes I’d only get one or two hi’s back, but ofttimes I would get 5 or 6!

I call this the “Rocky Mountain HI, Phenomenon.”

Colorado was way far different than San Francisco.
In Colorado, everyone looked rugged and hearty and had big bushy beards that made them look like grizzly bears. Even the women!

Just kidding. ( However, the girls did smell like leather and would pee wherever they wanted, and didn’t care who was watching.)

Let me carry you back to the pine scented bigness of Colorado in the 60’s and early 70’s, if you will?

Oh, my, the ultra fresh air permeated my being, and lifted my soul and spirit to the point where I felt as if I was floating up, up, up, higher and higher above the boxed canyons, buttes, ridges, and plateaus. Higher than the snow capped peaks of them ancient hills where I could get an excellent, unobstructed view of the lush and healthy flora and fauna below, and where I could, definitely see girls peeing, right out in the open! ( I don’t know; something about that seemed weird to me.)

Do you know what was really cool?
I’ll tell you what was really cool!

Streams of fresh, pure, sparkling, unadulterated water ran all over the place in Colorado, and most of it was drinkable! ( I wonder if it’s still like that today?)


Well, guys and gals; you know how much I love water, from your close reading of the “More Beer For Pattonville High” chapter. So this was marvelous! ( By the way; you look marvelous today! Simply marvelous!)

I would camp by a lovely stream where I had fresh, pure running water to drink and bathe in; also to wash my filthy clothes and discard the guts of any fish or small animals I caught for food. In addition, if I found any empty gasoline or oil cans, I would rinse them out in the stream and use them for containers. (I wonder if those streams are as clean and pure as they used to be?)

Come on gang! You didn’t really believe all that crap, did ya?

No, No! The part about catching small animals for food was made up.

In fact, I love animules, and it didn’t take long before the deer, raccoon, lions, tigers, bears, lizards, coyotes, and armadillos would come right up to me!

I felt like Snow White or Betty White; same difference.

What’s that?
You don’t believe me?
Man, you just hurt my wittle feelings.
There ARE lions and tigers in Colorado.
What about mountain lions, huh?
Doesn’t Colorado have zoos? You bet it does, pilgrim.
Maybe the lions and tigers escaped from the zoo and found me because they sensed I was an animal lover and wouldn’t hurt them. So there!

Armadillos aren’t native to Colorado? 
Uh, um, O.K. I’ve got it! 
What if an armadillo crawled into someone's sleeping bag in Texas and the person didn’t notice. 
Are you following me on this?
Sooooo, they pick up the sleeping bag with the armadillo inside and throw it in to their pickup truck and drive to Colorado.
Upon arriving in Colorado, the armadillo jumps out.

Any more questions? I thought not! ( For your information; A couple of Nine Banded Armadillos were spotted in eastern Colorado recently.) (I found that on the enter-knet.)

Ain't he cute?!

Well, well,well! So much to say about Colorado and so little Tom. ( Tom Cruise, for example.)
Sooooo, I’m a-walkin’ down. Down, down, down Loveland Pass, or maybe The Garden of The Gods; Oh, I don’t know, but it was breast-taking!
(Cue music)

He was bored in the summer of his 27th year,
Goin’ home, headin’ for King Kong,
He left Saturday behind him,
You might say he’s bored again,
You might say he lost the words to this song.

But it’s a Colorado Rocky Mountain bye bye………….

( Now, this time the camera starts out with a real close up of my face and starts backing away farther and farther until you can see the magnificent mountains, trees, rocks, clouds, and there I am, just teeny tiny in the middle of this paradisiacal scene doing the cool echo thing for the last time with all my might.)

Bye! Bye, BYE, Bye,Bye, Bye.


Joni! Joni, Joni, Joni,Joni,Joni.


Mitchell... Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.


Richie Havens... Richie Havens, Richie Havens, Richie Havens, Richie Havens, Richie Havens, Richie Havens.


Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilacavolcanoconiosis... Smartass, Smartass,Smartass,Smartass, Smartass, Smartass.

After that, I sat on a rock and shut up. Wouldn’t you?

MADNESS MUSIC MONDAYS

                                            Proverbs 23:27-28

A whore is a bottomless pit;  a loose woman can get you in deep trouble fast.She’ll take you for all you’ve got; she’s worse than a pack of thieves.

The bible scriptures above, are what I wrote "Headin' For The Danger Zone" about.

I don't mean I was inspired to write this song from these scriptures, but the song shows what every man knows deep inside his heart.

Fooling around with a strange woman is gonna be TROUBLE!

Proverbs 5:18-20

¹⁸ May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
²⁰ Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
    Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

WE KNOW IT, but we stupidly do it anyway!

What's wrong with us?

We really do think with our "dilly whackers" most of the time!

Any woman that reads this knows exactly what I mean! (Women say amen!)

We risk losing our money, homes, kids, reputations, a woman who loves us...for what?!

10 seconds of something we've been able to get with a magazine and our imagination since we were 12 years old! (Give or take a year)

Is it worth it?

I know it sounds like I'm being preachy, but I'm looking at the the practical side of this!

Guys! Dudes! You're gonna get caught!

I'm sure you've seen it a hundred times (if you're as ancient as me), and men ALWAYS get caught doin' the "neighbor nasty," or the "hooker hoochiecoo," in time!

To me, it's like eating that deadly poisonous puffer fish delicacy thingy.

I can only imagine that the taste of that butt ugly fish is like having an orgasm, since people pay a fortune to eat a little bit of it, AND risk their lives to do it!

I'll eat grilled salmon, enjoy it, and live happily ever after, thank you!

Now, I'm not comparing our wives to grilled salmon, but, uh...you know what I mean!

I am not judging guys on their morals... I am simply questioning their sanity, intelligence, common sense, and death wish mentality!

In addition...don't get me started on the foolishness of contracting a miserable, loathsome S.T.D. that an idiot guy will spread to his unsuspecting wife... the dirty, stinking slugwart!!

Hey, think about how a sexy, young, clever "hot babe" WILL take you for all of your life savings?

Wait a minute! 

Did you ever watch that "Fatal Attraction" movie, and see what Glenn Close does to Michael Douglas?!!

Well, WATCH IT, BUSTER...before it's too late!!

Anyway, if you listen to this song I wrote many years ago, you will get the point of everything I've been trying to explain to you the last few minutes!

YOU FILTHY FORNICATORS!!!

This song was written by me, but performed by a Nashville session band.

PROVERBS 2:16-19
Wisdom will save you also from the adulterous woman,
    from the wayward woman with her seductive words,
¹⁷ who has left the partner of her youth
    and ignored the covenant she made before God.
¹⁸ Surely her house leads down to death
    and her paths to the spirits of the dead.
¹⁹ None who go to her return
    or attain the paths of life.

HAVE A NICE DAY!

ST. LOUIS SUNDAYS

My earliest recollection is of my wicked, red-haired sister
trying to kill me. In her twisted little mind she came up with a
devious plan to starve me to death. She would grab my baby
bottle, run and smash it! I guess I should really thank her,
because I always suspected Mom of poisoning my milk.

The "playground incident" will be etched in my brain
forever.



 Remember the movie Rebecca? Remember Miss
Danvers and that strange look in her eyes. (If you haven’t
seen the movie, go and rent it now, We will wait). O.K. Now
we all know about that strange look in Miss Danver's eyes.

My evil red-haired sister had that look when she said, “the
swings, the swings, you must walk in front of the swings”.
Well, back then, swings were lethal weapons. The seats
were made of two-inch thick oak boards with sharp pointed
corners. 

I, in my innocent youth, trusted the red-haired
demon and walked in front of that instrument of death. Last
thing I remember, they were putting fourteen stitches in my
head. But, ha! I survived! The ruthless, red-head’s plan didn’t
work. More important, my brain still functions nominally.

The “projects”. Yeah, that’s what we called ‘em. Sometimes
just the “jects” when were short on time. 

The “projects” were early communes. On any given day we would have over 2000 various ethnic, religious, and racial groups...

in our apartment alone! On holidays it was worse. On one New
Year’s Eve we had to order 27,000 White Castle hamburgers.

Then we couldn’t get to the bathroom because of the boxes. Of
course, that meant we – well, let’s not go there.
When we moved to the suburbs I was surprised our
family only had eight people.

In the projects you hang out of your window to talk to
people. That was really the only “cool” way to talk to
someone. However, if you fell out your window, you lost that
“cool” image.

Let me take a minute to dispel the ridiculous rumor that
people from the “projects” were used in horrible government
tests. Subjected to chemical and biological experiments like
human guinea pigs. 

Ha, Ha, Ha. What a laugh! I was born and
raised in the projects and I’m perfectly normal. One hen,
two ducks, three squawking geese. 143765GS – blue Neptune
– I repeat – red Saturn – Hey kids! What time is it? - The
frost is on the pumpkin – Alpha, Delta, Bravo, Zulu – Titanium
alloy conne----What the? Oh, sorry. I have those spells
about twice a week.


We would have “project parties” every now and then.
Everyone was invited.
They would get a little rowdy, but sometimes
respectable people would drop in, like the local doctor. Even
the priest would stop by. The police came often. SWAT
teams were regulars. Truck loads of F.B.I. guys. The
National Guard. Then we would need the doctor and priest
again.

Remember ushers at the movie theatre. Hey! I was only
a little baby! I’m not as old as it sounds. Anyway, my two
older brothers, Dave and Dick were ushers at the Fox
Theatre. They had a habit of trying to dress like the actors
in the movies that were playing.
One week Dave would dress like Marlon Brando and Dick
would dress like Rod Steiger. The next week Dave would be
James Dean and Dick would dress like Sal Mineo. They did this
week after week until the theatre showed “Some Like it Hot”.

Just a side note. Housing projects were designed and
built by creatures from a far distant, lost and extinct
universe. The location used to be, well, go outside and look
straight up and a little to the left. The creatures were
called Glirkazoids.

WHAT A WEIRD, ABRUPT ENDING TO ST. LOUIS SUNDAYS!

Josh, when he was little, in photo above, on the right!

ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO POSTPONE MY REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG POSTING, FOR MORE IMPORTANT STUFF!!!

1. Josh is home safe and sound!!!

Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!!!

 2. Gounderus...The Funniest guy on YouTube reviewed my channel in a cool video he made! 

This is BIG. and I don't want you to miss it....soooo here it is!!!

He begins talking about ME and my YouTube channel at about 7:04 on the time line!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hxw_MdVWe7Y

OUR AWESOME JOSH IS COMING HOME TODAY AFTER 2 YEARS OF BEING AWAY!

So, FAN FRIDAYS is dedicated to him with this song I wrote about having fellow feeling, and applying the Golden Rule to everyone, regardless of their circumstances, or past mistakes.

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS

I have always had vivid, surreal, fascinating, dreams.

It feels as if I have lived two separate lives.

 My dull, mundane life,when I'm awake, and my exciting, adventurous, travel filled, cool life in my dreams.

However, lately my dreams have been especially vivid, surreal, fascinating, wonderful, and VERY WEIRD!

I was thinking about going to a "shrink," and have him/her analyze my freaky dreams, but I changed my mom.

I've been to hundreds of "shrinks" my entire life, and have they helped me one bit?!

Heck no! I'm nuttier than ever!!

So I came up with a brilliant concept!

I'm going to let all of my faithful blog readers analyze my dreams, because I know you LOVE me and will tell me the honest truth!

HA! Maybe I'm not as CRAZY as everybody tells me I am!

By the way, these are all recurring dreams that I've had for years, for what it's worth.

Dream 1: I'm living in a regular, normal, 2 bedroom house, and find a secret passageway that takes me to a gigantic million dollar mansion next door, that has no one living there.

I enter in the underground area that has Egyptian looking sarcophaguses, or is that sarcophaguys, and then make my way upstairs to a fully stocked, abandoned mall that turns into a Caterpillar Tractor factory.

Dream 2: I am at a concert, convention, or church...I go outside and can't remember where I parked my car.

Then I realize it's been stolen, for the 100th time!

I decide to run home, and I can run as fast as a car, and then lift off and fly! (Who needs the stupid car now? HA!)

Dream 3: I am with a deceased family member or friend, but during the dream I don't remember that he/she died.

I don't figure it out until I wake up... so the feeling when I wake up can be happy or sad...it depends on the person I  was dreaming about. 

Dream 4: I'm back in the army doing basic training, and I wonder how I can keep up with all of the young healthy guys, because I'm old, and have all my old age ailments, and I usually can't keep up, however, I made it all the way through basic the other night!

I wonder if that dream will stop now?

Dream 5: I'm working at Caterpillar, or one of the other 100 jobs I've had all my life, or I'm in high school, and I am running behind, and don't know where I'm going, and am working  really hard at some dirty, tedious job, and can't get anything accomplished, and I'm totally worn out when I wake up!

So even if you are not a "shrink," and only play one on TV, start analyzing!

Thanks for your free psychoanalysis!

WARNING: Don't go insane analyzing my bizarre dreams!