It's Got To Be My Funny Face

One of the great joys of my lice has been the ability to make others laugh and smile, but not on Facebook very much!
I had the expectation that the same people I make laugh and smile in person, would also laugh and smile at my Facebook posts.  El, no no!
Maybe it's my funny face that's the reason they're laughing! Oh, my!

Here, I always thought my family and friends were laughing at my superior wit, and all along it's been my goofy face!

That must be the answer, because I say the same nonsense on Facebook as I do in person, but very few even click on my posts to see what I have to say. It's got to be my comical face!

Come on, let's get real! Out of my 126 family members and friends that I have on Facebook, I've calculated that at least 77 of them think I'm funny in person. That has been determined by their laughter response to my "shtick!" So why do I only get 3 views on my hilariously funny blog posts every day! 

Me thinks it has to be the lack of my unique, ridiculously silly face! 

I'm wondering if maybe I should just start doing vlogs instead of blogs, so I can induce a better response from ya'll! Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I'll just stop posting my blogs on Facebook, and reserve them for just my 25,824 blogger viewers.

It's a puzzlement! Tell me what you think! 
Have a super Sunday!

What Kind Of ? Would You Be...Quiz

Which Beatle would you be? 

What kind of dog would you be? 

What President would you be?

What old movie would you star in?

Have you taken one of those DUMB quizzes on Facebook yet?

They are so predictable! I always know what the answer will be before I finish!

The multiple choice questions make it totally obvious what the final outcome will be!

For instance...What Superstar Are You?

Check a box for... Rock ▄ Easy listening ▄ Country ▄  You check Rock.

Check box for...Songs about a stairway ▄ Songs about sympathy for the devil ▄ Songs about the color yellow ▄ 
You check songs about the color yellow.

Check box for... The first name Justin ▄ The first name Mick ▄ The first name Chris ▄ 
You check Chris,

Check box for...Actress Jody Foster ▄ 
Jennifer Lopez ▄ Gwyneth Paltrow ▄
You check Gwyneth Paltrow.

Then a little circle thing starts spinning around , and it tells you it's calculating the mysterious answer...and then...all of a sudden...you see...

You are Chris Martin! 

(What a surprise!)

You are a free spirit who loves Rock music, mellow music, and the color yellow.

You really like Gwyneth Paltrow, English music, and the name Chris.

You love fixing things, watching someone walking on the beach, and listening to guys singing in a high pitched vocal range.

Wow! What a surprise! They really nailed it, didn't they?!

Here is another example...What Animal Are You?

Check a box for... Furry ▄ Smooth skin ▄ Scales ▄

Feathers ▄ 

You check furry.

Check box for...Ferocious ▄ Mild mannered ▄ 

Cuddly ▄ Slimy ▄ 

You check cuddly.

Check box for...Africa ▄ U.S.A. ▄ Australia ▄ Gary Texas ▄ 

You check Australia.

Check box for...Bananas ▄ Carrots ▄ Prunes ▄ Eucalyptus leaves ▄ 
You check eucalyptus leaves.

The tiny wheel goes a-spinnin' around again and surprise...surprise...surprise...

You are a Koala Bear!

You are sweet and cuddly, people love your cute face, and you think Australia would be a nice place to live.

You have never eaten eucalyptus leaves, but you would give it a try if you were offered some.

You are a little fuzzy at times, but your friends think that's adorable.

Am I the only one that thinks these quizzes are kind of silly? Oh, I hope not! 

I would never want to disturb the peace of your inner self! 

Especially since one of those quizzes told me I was Mahatma Gandhi.

FUN FACTS FRIDAY

Did you know...

Abraham Lincoln was actually a midget! He created the illusion of being tall by wearing elevator shoes, a tall stovepipe hat, and always hanging around with prairie dogs, dressed like congressmen.

Carl Dean Switzer, who played the character of Alfalfa, in The Little Rascal series, did not really die from that gunshot wound. He survived, and went on to become Neil Young.

Note the similar singing style!

Ringo was secretly the smartest and most talented of the Beatles, he was the one who wrote all of the songs, was the groups spiritual leader, was a genius music editor, but all the credit was given to the other dudes, because they were cute and Ringo was butt ugly! 

Two drunks were walking down the railroad tracks and the first drunk said, "These are the longest steps I ever walked down!" The second drunk said, "I don't mind the steps, It's the banisters that are killing me!"

I think they're on the right track!

The End!

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY

The perfect weather we are having right now is better than any perfect weather I've ever experienced in my whole life! 

Why, you ask in a semi-curious manner.

The reason is because of the longest, coldest, snowiest, most miserable winter I can ever remember! 

I prayed for weather like this, and now that we've got it, I'm gonna enjoy every single second!!

Benji loves it too! When I take him on his walks, he wants to smell every single thing! Every blade of grass, every bug, every rock, tree, fire hydrant...and he has the ability to pee on everything he smells! How can his little body hold so much pee-pee?!

Speaking of Benji smelling...um, I don't mean Benji smells...well, he DOES smell, but he doesn't STINK!

Anyway...he would smell a, let's say, shrub, for 10 solid minutes, if I'd let him...and I don't!

I have to admit, when I open a can of fresh coffee, I can smell that for a long time! 

"They" say that a dog's sense of smell is 10,000 times better than a human's, so that might explain why Benji "gets off" on the tiniest little aroma.

Now that we're on the subject of my little buddy, Benji, I think the little routine he does before he poops is a scream!

He sniffs close to the ground in about a 10 foot section of somebody else's lawn, then walks back and forth, back and forth, about 8 times, like a soldier guarding the Tomb Of The Unknown, then turns in a circle, squats real cute-like, and poops.

What? No, I don't pick it up! It's not MY cockadoodie lawn! 

Just kidding! I collect all of our plastic Kroger bags for efficient, sanitary, pickup.

Sometimes Benji poops so many turds that it's difficult to pick it all up with one hand (I can only use one hand because I'm holding the leash with the other hand), so I have to pick up each individual turd, but when I have a few turds already in my hand, I'll drop one or two trying to pick up another one! It's very frustrating!

Don't get me wrong, folks! My hand is covered by the plastic bag, so no doggie feces touches my flesh...usually.

Benji is a very lovable, sweet pup, who plays with our granddaughters (there are 7 of them) without ever hurting them, biting, growling, or even getting angry when they accidentally step on his paw!

However, it is a totally different story when it comes to other dogs! He is very snooty, snippy, and snappy!
He has never bitten another dog, but he let's them know he does not enjoy having his butt sniffed, especially by BIG dogs! 

Benji doesn't think he's a little Yorkie. In his mind, he's a German Shepard, Doberman, or a humongous Pit Bull! He is always going after the most gigantic, meanest looking dogs in the neighborhood...fortunately, I'm there to pull him back with his leash.

How did we get on the subject of Benji? I wanted to talk about this perfect weather that I longed for during that horrible, horrific winter that I like to call "The White Death!"

In conclusion, God made winter, and God made dogs. I like dogs better!

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

The misty green world of the Gluptillians was not a place for the faint of heart. The volcanic activity caused an incessant rumbling and shaking that would unnerve even the bravest of the brave.

There was unending warfare with creatures from neighboring planets and galaxies, as well as constant fighting and bickering with family members, co-workers, and just about everyone!

It was increasingly becoming a serious threat to the Conglomeration of Real Awesome Planets (C.R.A.P.) who were responsible for keeping the peace throughout the entire universe.

"If  the disgusting inhabitants of the planet Glupterous continue on this self destructive path, they will destroy themselves, and maybe cause a chain reaction of destruction throughout the galaxy," said the Vice General of C.R.A.P.

"I agree, Vice General, but who can we send to fix this impossible problem," stated the Grand C.R.A.P. Leader.

Then, as if a light turned on in their brains, they both shouted, "Yellow Rose!"

For centuries, Yellow Rose had made a legendary name for herself by settling inter-galactic disputes,

bringing peace to warring planets, and even calming down the angry, grumpy Dwarfonians that are very tiny, but have nasty tempers!

The scene changes to the poop deck of the Silver Sausage spaceship, where Yellow Rose is casually filing her nails. Now the voice of the Grand C.R.A.P. Leader booms out over the communicator thingy.

"Yellow Rose! Yellow Rose! We need you to travel to Glupterous to save the Gluptillians from sure destruction! This mission...if you decide to accept it, will be disavowed by all the officers of C.R.A.P.  This message will self destruct in 10 seconds"...10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...fizzle, fizzle, fizzle.....silence.

Needless to say, Yellow Rose was up for the challenge, and began getting the ship ready for the dangerous, yet exciting, mission.

Gary walks on to the poop deck.

Gary - "Hey, Y.R.! Do you know why I came up to the poop deck?"

Yellow Rose rolls her eyes and says (sarcastically), No...why did you come up to the poop deck?

Gary starts to snicker and declares, "I had to POOP!" 
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! 

Yellow Rose - Gary! You've told that excuse for a joke a thousand toms, and it's STILL not funny!

Gary keeps laughing..."Oh, man...that cracks me up every time! Cracks...me up! Get it, Y.R.? Poops...cracks? I'm on a Roll now! Toilet paper roll!!
He He He He, Haw! I guess this bit is goin' to pot, huh?! Blaa, ha, ha, ha, ha!!"

Yellow Rose - " Gary! If you'd just stop flapping your gums for a second, I'll tell you about the new mission."

Gary - "New mission?  I didn't know about any new mission." How do you know about a new mission and I don't?!"

Yellow Rose - The Grand C.R.A.P. Leader just messaged me on the communicator thingy, and told me about it.

Gary - But...but...I'm the one they always tell about the missions...I...uh...don't...underst...

Yellow Rose - "It's okay, big guy! I just happened to be working here on the poop deck when the message came in...no worries, buddy!"

Gary - "Well, um, yeah, I guess you're right, Y.R., but next tom forward the secret message to ME , so I can be the one that tells YOU the message...okay?

Yellow Rose - " That's fine, Gary! I wasn't trying to take over your command or anything, I just...

Gary - "Alrighty now...Tell me about the mission so I can tell it back to you in my commander's voice!"

Yellow Rose - "Oh, good grief!"

(LATER ON)

Yellow Rose and Gary are going through the check list before they take off for Glupterous.

Yellow Rose - Emusificator weapons.

Gary - Check!

Yellow Rose - Coffee.

Gary -Double check!

Yellow Rose - U-kont Seamy invisibility device.

Gary - Check!

Yellow Rose - "One movie...Conagher."

Gary - Conagher? Y.R., you've seen that movie a billion times! Why do you want to bring it along?

Yellow Rose - It inspires me, okay?!

Gary - (chuckling) "As you wish."

The scene changes once again to the Silver Sausage making it's way to the violent, war torn planet of Glupterous, through meteor showers, around asteroids, having occasional "dog fights" with belligerent, hostile enemy spacecraft, and then we get a glimpse of Yellow Rose AND Gary, watching Conagher together.

Yellow Rose - "This is so romantic! I love the part when Evie ties notes on the tumbleweeds and Conn finds them! So sweet!"

Gary - "Romantic?! Are you kidding?! This movie has Indian attacks, gun fights with rustlers, and one of the greatest fight scenes of all time, between Conn and Mahler!!"

Yellow Rose - "Funny, I thought I saw you crying the last time we watched this, when Evie told Conn it's time to come home."

Gary - "I told you it was just space dust in my eyes, Evie!"

Yellow Rose - "EVIE? Ha Ha Ha! You just called me Evie!! He He He! I think you're in to this movie as much as me!"

Gary - "Nevermind."

RETURN NEXT WEDNESDAY TO SEE IF GARY AND YELLOW ROSE MAKE IT TO GLUPTEROUS IN ONE PIECE!!

COME BACK TO WITNESS THE WAY OUR HEROES FIGHT THE DIRTY, MEAN ATTITUDES OF THE GLUPTILLIANS LIKE CONN DEFEATED THE RUSTLERS AND INDIANS...OR NOT!

IF YOU'RE CRAZY AND YOU KNOW IT, SLAP YOUR HEAD!

Sung to the tune of 

"If You're Happy and You Know It."

If you're crazy and you know it, slap your head,

(slap, slap)

If you're crazy and you know it, slap your head,

(slap, slap)

If you're crazy and you know it, 

and you really want to show it,

That you're crazy and you know it,

Slap your head.

(slap, slap) 

(Man, my head hurts!)

If you're crazy and you know it, eat your shoe,

(yum, yum)
If you're crazy and you know it, eat your shoe,
(yum, yum)
If you're crazy and you know it,
And you really want to show it,
That you're crazy and you know it,
Eat your shoe.
(yum, yum)
(Real sole food!)

If you're crazy and you know it, 
Mow your lawn wearing a pink tutu,
(pirouette)
If you're crazy and you know it,
Mow your lawn wearing a pink tutu,
pirouette)
If you're crazy and you know it,
And you really want to show it,
That you're crazy and you know it,
Mow your lawn wearing a pink tutu,
(pirouette)
(Bravo!)

If you're crazy and you know it,
Go up to a bunch of Navy Seal bikers,
and spit on their motorcycles and the American flag,
(vroom, vroom)
If you're crazy and you know it,
Go up to a bunch of Navy Seal bikers,
and spit on their motorcycles and the American flag,
(vroom, vroom)
If you're crazy and you know it,
And you really want to show it,
That you're crazy and you know it,
Go up to a bunch of Navy Seal bikers,
and spit on their motorcycles and the American flag,
(vroom, vroom)
(REST IN PEACE)

MANESS MUSIC MONDAY

You better take tom to listen to me sing before it's 2 late! (You don't really need Tom to tag along, if you don't want.)

I'm getting very, very OLD and will not have my voice much longer! 

My voice will start sounding very raspy, weak, and shaky...like I'm singing whilst holding a vibrator to my throat.

OKAY!! Who said I already sound that way?!!!Hmmmm?!!!!

Anyway, me hopes you enjoyith this song I sang on Easter. 

SATURDAY SOLILOQUY

Saturday...sunshine...smiles...

Are you tired of pickin' cotton,
Do all your days seem rotten.
May your pain be all forgotten,
And smile, smile, smile!!

Have your debts become a mountain,
Have you skipped that old youth fountain,
Do you look like Charlie Laughton,

Still smile, smile, smile!

Do you look like a gorilla,

Or that monster called Godzilla,

Do you still listen to Thrilla',

Try to smile, smile, smile!

Are you reading this dumb poem,
Instead of watching Thunderdome,
While you play games on your phone,
THEN YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP!!

BURMA SHAVE