STUPID PEOPLE JUDGE OTHERS BY THEIR OUTWARD APPEARANCE!

My lovely friend Sara from Norway

My sweet friend Sarah from church.

Unless you are totally blind as a bat, you can see that both of my Sara/Sarah girls are extremely gorgeous! 

I'm really angry because some people have criticized them for their wearing of nose rings, and other piercings that they frequently wear. 

Here is what really ticked me off.

I was in Sunday school and we were talking about approaching people to talk to them about Jesus, when one numb skull pointed to my beautiful friend Sarah and said, "I would have a difficult time talking to her because of all her piercings!" ( She was wearing a few shiny face ornaments that day)

WHAT? What an idiot!!

Scroll back and look at those faces! 

Exactly like my wonderful wife, those girls are the sweetest things on this planet! 

I know, because they love an old, grumpy, ugly, troll like me!

Sarah was really hurt by what this "Neanderthal" said,

and I told her I always seek out the people with interesting hairstyles, piercings, and freaky clothing to talk to, because they're usually the most interesting, creative, and fun!

The totally beautiful Sara (pronounced Saar-uh) from Norway, suffered from anorexia for a while, and has low self esteem because people told her she was fat!

Scroll back up and look at her! 

She has almost 16 million views on YouTube, but still suffers from low self esteem because of the absolutely heartless comments dumb folks have made!

I am really thankful I lived in the hippy days, where it didn't take long to find out outward appearances were in no way an indication of the love, or brilliance, or humor, or talent behind the wild hair and tie dye clothing.

A few examples of folks who didn't fit the establishment "look," but became icons to the world were Frank Zappa

Slavador  Dali

The Dalai  Lama

Albert Einstein

Janice Joplin

Mother Teresa 

Marty Wombacher

Notice he's sticking out his tongue like Einstein.

Yes, I know I wasn't  very funny today but when bigoted, ignorant, thoughtless people hurt my girls (which includes my 7 granddaughters) I get really TICKED OFF!

I must end this with a poem, or as they say in southeast Missouruh, a "pomb":

Don't make fun of people,

Because they're not like you,

Who have a lot of nose rings, 

or dye their hair sky blue.

And if they're 700 pounds,

Don't make fun of that,

You may not get your Christmas toys, 

'cause Santa Claus is fat.

Don't think that you are better,

Than a bum out on the street,

That dude could be an angel,

Who might cast you to the "HEAT." (Hell)

And if you see a puppy,

Don't kick him really hard,

Take him home and feed him,

You may get a cash reward.

Sara is my Norway friend,

Who treats me like a daddy,

So don't you travel over there, 

And tell her she's a fatty.

Sarah wears a bit of bling,

upon her face and elsewhere,

But you better not make fun of her,

Or I'll set fire to your hair!

BURMA SHAVE

MY SCARIEST BLOG EVER (FOR REAL)

VIEWER DISCRETION STRONGLY ADVISED

Remember when you learned there is no Santa Claus ?

How did you feel? Shocked? Sad? Depressed? Violated?

Well, I felt all those things, and more, when I stumbled across these photos on the enter-knet!

I'm not even sure if they're real, but they have to be!

They're on the enter-knet for goodness sakes!

These horrifying pictures literally made me puke from disgust and ab-whore-enz!

Disclaimer: If you still desire to continue on looking at this horrifying blog, the creator of said blog is in no way responsible for any lingering, traumatic effects upon your love of movies/ movie stars/ fan magazines/ Entertainment Tonight/ The Oscar Presentation/ and any miscellaneous and sundry movie/T.V. related information! 

BURMA SHAVE

I really hope I've prepared you for this frightening journey into the depths of desception and total manipulation of our innocent brain cells, and sheer ugliness!

HERE IT BE!!!!

   Cameron Diaz?   HUH?    Is this for real?                

This can't be Goldie Hawn! Goldie is adorable, right?  I used to sit on the sofa and watch her on "Laugh In," and she was super cute, and oh my!

Y

      You won't guess this in a billion years!

                       HEIDI KLUM                  

    Remember the enter-knet never lies!

     OH my God!! Heather Locklear? Noooooo!!!

 J Lo! Where'd you go! Really not too bad, for    my low standards!

               Pretty woman?                                          

  Katie Holmes, looking like my aunt Margie! 

   The lovely and delicious, Katie Perry?

Now how long has it been since "Friends?"

Hannah Montana, eat your heart out!

  Sorry, but I didn't notice the first picture!

Renee Zellweger, the name fits the face now!

SEE! You didn't believe me and went ahead and gazed at these visions of "mugliness," and now you are deviated from the "Norm."

    I really think he's cuter than Miley Cyrus!!!

To all my blog readers who never comment, like the GREAT MARTY WOMBACHER always does, do not be afraid, it's okay to comment, OKAY?

BI!!!

LET US BE OH SO POETIC ONCE AGAIN

Since my last poem went over so well, I decided to begin with a classic poem that has been scribbled on so many public bathroom stalls and walls for centuries: 

There once was a girl from Nantucket,

She didn't care what, she would _ _ _ _ it..

I saw Leslie West, Jack Bruce, and Corky Lang in concert! They hurt my little ears!

Who wants to finish this poem that was voted funniest of all the restroom rhymes during the pay toilet era:

Here I sit brokenhearted....

I need to discuss a very sensitive subject before I relate the next timeless poem.

Black or colored?

When I was a kid the nicest way to speak about an African American individual was to say "colored."

"He was such a nice colored man!"  

"" I don't care what everybody says, I think colored girls can be pretty cute!"

However, to say a "black" man or woman was an insult to them. 

Now, it's just the opposite, for heaven's sake!

Black is the term most of my African Americans friends prefer, and colored is not to be uttered anymore!

So, in this historical context, I give you a poem that was considered politically and racially correct in the 50's: 

One bright morning, in the middle of the night,
Two white colored boys had a fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don't believe the story, ask the blind man,
He saw it all!


Poems...poems...poems...I've got one!

Last night I saw upon the stair,
A little man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
Oh, how I wish he'd go away!
Kind of frightening ain't it?

Here be another classic mind bending poem from the old sod:

There once were two cats of Kilkenny,
Each thought there was one cat too many,
So they fought and they fit,
And they scratched and they bit,
Till, excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails,
Instead of two cats, there weren't any.
I really need to apologize for this ancient poetry, but I really love it, sure and begora!!

And finally, the greatest poetic lines ever created by a true beer lover and wordsmyth extrodinaire!!

Dedicated to Marty Wombacher

                                  Ode TO A BEER!                                   

A SWEET POEM OF PEORIA

Peoria! City of tractors, actors, and river,

Gauntlet to the soul,

And a cruel forgiver,

Birthplace of Pryor,

NO streetcar named desire,

Just a train or a barge,

Or a convict at large, 

Chicago has it's might and glory,

But Peoria has a darker story,

Of things too vile to share,

Which you are unaware, 

Of innocents lay down to sleep, 

And never dare to freely weep, 

For chance their masters hear a peep, 

And cast them down into the deep, 

 Where certain angels choose to dwell, 

A place that's 10 times worse than HELL,

That eats our very souls away,

 With pain that will eternally stay, 

 Your laughter is to hide your fear, 

Revealed in yet another beer,  

 That like a serpent slithers down, 

and spews it's venom all around, 

But let your heart not tremble, see, 

This poem is not reality, 

Peoria is a happy town , 

And we don't want to put it down, 

 For what we fear is fantasy, 

At least that's what we MUST believe! 

BURMA SHAVE!

IS IT WIse TO a Blog PoSt  WhEN  You'RE DrUNJK?

You tell me, and we'll both know!

So far, this is not funny, is it? 

Funny can't be forced, it has to come as easily and natural as childbirth. 
Hey, I thought that was pretty good, but how will I ever know, because  I'm  REALLY DRUMP!

♫I was drunh last night dear mother,♪♪ 
♪I was drunk the night before,♪♫
 ♫and if you forgive mr, dear mother,♫
♪♪I'll never get drunk anymore!♪♪

Magaret O'Brien did a wonderful job singing " I Was Drunk Last Night, Dear Mother" in "Meet Me In St. Louis," but I couldn't find a clip of that, so here she is singing "Under The Bamboo Tree"with Judy Garland in "Meet Me In St. Louis." I think you're gonna hafta rent the whole damn movie to see it! See how they got us by the cojones?

Woo hoo! I found another girl sunging "I Was Drunk Last Night, Dear Mother", and she ain't too bad, but Margaret O'Brien was a million times more aborable!

What? Yeah, I like show tunes.
What of it! 
I was raised with 3 older sisters, and that's what they listened to!
Played with dollies? Maybe...BUT..

I was also on the varsity wrestling AND football team, mother freaker!
How's about I tear your freakin' head off and shove it up your ARSE!!!!

Sorrrry! Sometimes I get a bit belligerent when I'm forced to justify my feminine side, which frankly, I'm quite proud of, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I think proves I'm a REAL man, and reallystoned to the gills!

I was married to my first wife for 30 years, and I got married to Donna in 2008, but don't tell my first wife!

                    DONNA               

Anyway, they both told me I'm a real sensitive guy, and even though I've been mistaken for someone with an alternative lifestle dozens of times, it just shows my 3 sisters dressing me up like a Brbie doll until I was 10, rubbed off a little.

SOOOOOO...You have to be the jubdge of weather a drunk posting of a blog post is a goob thing or a bad thinb!

My bloogy futurr is in tyour hands!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: Everything written in this blog should not be considered true, accurate, or coherent.
Any vague analogies, references, or similarities that may have seemed to put the writer of this blog in a less than macho position is purely for comedy, and/or entertainment purposes.
The writer of this blog was not actually drunk during the creation  of this fictional material.
If he was, could he have written this awesome disclaimer?
I THINK NOT! HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACTOR WITH ROLE OF FAMOUS SCIENTIST CLAIMS THE BEATLES WERE TIME TRAVELERS!

Bert Lipshitz, a Brooklyn, New York actor (67 years of age) who is portraying Stephen Hawking in an off, off Broadway play entitled "I'm Way Smarter Than You, Shit For Brains", has used the "unscientific method" to prove the Fab Four were actually time travelers .

Lipshitz had what he called,"an epiphany" while playing the part of Hawking, and involuntarily/unconsciously scribbled "Time Travelers, Beatles Were"(kind of like Yoda would say it) on the armrest of his wheelchair. 

He then began his unscientific research that has led him  to conclude that the only way the Beatles could have created such awesomely stunning music is through time travel! (Echoing) Time travel, time travel, time travel...

"Lets think back about 40  years ago, Lipshitz related to me in an exclusive interview, and we were high on purple haze and listening to the GOOD side of the Abbey Road album (or was it Magical Mystery Tour?), and we came to the indisputable truth that the Beatles were aliens from some highly developed, stunningly beautiful universe and no one could convince us otherwise!" 

Me..Yeah, I remember! It was the Abbey Road album (the side that started with "Here Comes The Sun") and it wasn't purple haze, it was blotter, pure stuff, no nervous side effects or nothin'! 

Lipshitz...Did you believe the Beatles were from another planet?

Me...Sure...still do!

Lipshitz...Wrongo, Beatle Brainless!!!!
They were from the future, man! 
They were time travelers... (serious echo effect) time travelers...time travelers...time travelers..
Like so many who were playing that "narcotic" music in our youthful hayday (echoing hayday) hayday...hayday...hayday...(too much echoing?)

Me...What evidence do you have that the Beatles, and other various and sundry musicians were time travelers, Poindexter?

Lipshitz..The songs dude, the songs!!!
Here is a list of time traveling musicians. and the songs that give them away!

     Jim Croce                           Time In A Bottle 
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
Till Eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you.

Lipshitz...The words are a dead givaway, can't you see? 

The "bottle " is the time machine that can "save everyday 'till ETERNITY passes away just to spend them with you!" 

This should be clear even to a "time snail" like y.., I mean...

The members of the band Chicago were major time travelers, as we can see from this classic time traveling song:

         Chicago..Does AnybodyReally Know What Time It Is?

Of course not! How would you ever REALLY know what time it is if you were constantly bouncing around from one time period to another!!

Now, back to the Beatles. (that would be a good name for an album) I have discovered so much foolproof, solid evidence that the Beatles were time travelers that you'll say, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Read these TELLING lyrics and you will be in awe over my brilliant unscientific method of finding the time traveling truth about the Liverpool Lads!

Cause I got the real love
The kind that you need
Youll come running back (said you would, baby)
Youll come running back (I always said you would)
Youll come running back, to me
Yes time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
I said, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side
Yeah, time, time, time is on my side

Ah Haa! You understand now, do you not!!!

The Beatles are here admitting that TIME, TIME,TIME..is on their side!

They have total control of time!

Yes it is, they keep repeating!!!!

Me..Uh, Mr. Lipshitz, I hate to tell you this, but that is a Rolling Stones song.

Lipshitz...Are you sure? 

Me.. Yeah, pretty sure, Bert.

Lipshitz..Dammit, I wonder if I'll have to return my 10 million in research funding from the government?