Thursday, January 24, 2013

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS

You may have already noticed how I'm using very subtle earth tones in my lettering today, because I'm beginning another new feature entitled, "Thoughtful Thursdays."

I'm sure you remember that mellow tune by the Moody Blues, don't you?
♫Thursday afternoon♪..I'm just beginning to see..♪♪


So relax, have a few beers, settle down, don't be so tense, light some vanilla scented candles, and partake of whatever other kind of recreational/medicinal  thingy you may have at your disposal, and zone out, zone out, zone out.....


Are you there yet?

I'll give you a few more minutes.


Times up!

"Thoughtful Thursdays"  will concentrate purely on sweet, feel good, comforting , soothing  things that will help you to be at peace with your own soul, and love baby animals even more than is normal.


I walked through a beautiful sunny glade during a torrential  downpour,  and the sparkling raindrops shimmered like the gorgeous tassels on that exotic dancer at Big Al's that one night, when the piano sounded like a carnival, and the microphone smelled like a beer, and they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar and say, Mam, what are you doin' here. Mam?


Try to remember the best, sunniest, beauteous day of your whole miserable life, and force yourself to believe that "day" could come again. Ha!



Try to dismiss those nasty wasty negative thoughts from your mind, like accidentally being impaled between two railroad cars, because you stupidly walked between them while they were coupling, but you are still alive, and can see your guts hanging out.


That is not cool, man. 

Have your thoughts meander to cute little kittens, baby wombats, butterflies, "Dancing With The Stars," not the T.V. show, imagine literally dancing with little five pointed stars in outer space, and feeling totally euphoric and trippy.






Would you do that for me, my child?

Just about every Thursday we need to give all the bitter, ugly, murderous, hateful ideas that have lodged in our brains, a good enema, and tuning in to "Thoughtful Thursday" will probably not help, but we can't give up hope completely!



Here is what I'd like you to remember:

You may be fat and ugly too,
Worse than a baboon in the zoo,
No money do you have for fun,
So to your head you point the gun, 
And if the trigger you do pull it,
You're safe, you can't afford a bullet!
BURMA SHAVE



Wednesday, January 23, 2013

WHAZZUP WEDNESDAY

I'm starting a new feature on my blog called "WHAZZUP WEDNESDAY" where I ask you questions, and you supply the answers.


Doesn't that sound like fun? You betcha it does!
READY?




Who was the ugliest member of the Beatles? 
                                                             THEY ALL WON'T BE THIS EASY!                                                                               

                                               Do not let this photo sway you in your personal decision!





In outer space, no one can hear you: 
1. Scream
2. Mime
3. Fart

How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit, if a sheet slitter could slit sheets? 
Say the afore mentioned tongue twister real fast without saying a nasty word, and you get 50 extra points!

Hottest First Lady:
1. Jackie
 Kennedy


2.Michelle
Obama


3. Hillary Clinton




4. Elenor Roosevelt


Roosev







                                                      
What is a Wombacher?
1. An australian mammal.



2. A drink made from Vodka, Galliano, and orange juice.



3. An actor with a deep voice, who does a lot of voice- over work on "Family Guy."


4. The guy Richie Havens is still looking for, so he can beat the crap out of him.



How did Ryan Seacrest get that gravy job?
1. Talented
2. Handsome
3. Positive attitude
4. On his knees.



What is your favorite animal?
1. Doggie
2. Kitty
3. Llama
4. Chicken
5. John Belushi


What are all those knots on my head, and how the hell did they get there, hmmm?

What do you mean this sounds too much like Trivial Trivia , idiot edition?

Well, I never!! 

Maybe if I would have, I wouldn't be so tense.

Please let me take this time to apologize for the typos, like where it said "Roosev" and "3. RT," and stuff like that. I was too lazy to do it over. This was easier!


Monday, January 21, 2013

WHO NAMED DAT CHURCH,BROTHER?

For a brief portion of my life I made frequent trips to the south side of Chicago for reasons that must remain closely guarded until I assume room temperature.

It didn't take long to notice that the churches seemed to be trying to outdo each other. 

I got the impression they believed the longest, most complicated name equaled the best church.

Before I got the the south side, while driving through the beautiful suburbs of Chicago, the churches had normal names (not Normal Illinois)like The Church Of God, 1st Baptist, 2nd Baptist(why would anyone want to go to 2nd Baptist,or even worse,3rd Baptist, isn't that like 2nd and 3rd place?),Saint Paul Church, Saint John Church; simple names, like Melvin,

Yes, this is a real church!

However, as I entered the south side, it was a whole nuther story! 

At first, it was not too bad;

THE CHURCH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST

but the next would be

THE CHURCH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND THE HOLY ANGELS

And then

THE CHURCH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND THE HOLY ANGELS UPON MOUNT ZION
Not actual picture of the south side church.

And then


THE CHURCH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND THE HOLY ANGELS UPON MOUNT ZION TABERNACLE
Not actual photo of south side Chicago church.

And then they changed a up a bit 

THE TRINITY CHURCH OF THE SEPULCHER AND APOSTLES IN HEAVEN WITH JAZZ MUSIC NIGHTLY,  OPEN BAR, AND NO COVER CHARGE IN DIVINE WORSHIP TO THE MIGHTY SOVEREIGN OF THE UNIVERSE
CHURCH OF THE SEPULCHER?

Well, the church down the block wouldn't be outdone


THE AWESOME POWERFUL GOD IN CHRIST  SANCTUARY OF ABRAHAM, MOSES, AND THE PROPHETS OF OLD CHURCH OF HOLINESS,PEACE AND EXOTIC DANCING TO A BIG BAND BEAT WITH FREE PARKING ON HIGH,IN OUR FIVE STORY PARKING DECK, WITH COUPONS FOR HALF PRICE ON A DELUXE CAR WASH AND IN CHAPEL WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS AVAILABLE 24/7 RIGHTEOUS CATHEDRAL MEMORIAL TEMPLE



I guess no one could beat that, huh?

WRONGO, BIBLE BRAIN!!!

THE FAR OUT GROOVY HIPPY UNIVERSALIST UNITARIAN MOSQUE/TEMPLE/CHURCH OF FREE WILL AND ANYTHING GOES IF IT FEELS GOOD MONASTERY OF ALLAH/JESUS/BUDDAH/ALFRED E. NEWMAN,OF PINK FLOYDIAN  EXTRATERRESTRIAL ORIGINS WHICH INCLUDES GLORIOUS MUSHROOMS AND WACKY TUBAKKI TRANCENDENTAL MEDITATION OF THE THIRD KIND WHERE DRINKS ARE ALWAYS SERVED AT THE STEEPLE LOUNGE AFTER MIDNIGHT AND PYRO-TECHNICAL DISPLAYS ARE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED AT OUR DISCRETION, LORD ALMIGHTY!!





MY BEST FRIEND, GREG

I really, really don't like mushy stuff, but I have to write about how I feel in my heart, or my uvula may drop off!
Sidebar: I was born with a uvula but no tonsils, REALLY!

Where was I? Oh, yeah...mushy stuff. 

In my past life, for about 40 years, I was not always the nicest person when I was off my meds, or even ON my meds!

Have you ever seen someone that had turrets syndrome, and could not control what they would say?
 I was very much like that, and it was ugly, and I lost a lot of friends.


I probably treated my best friend Greg worse than anybody! (Now, I'm not claiming I'm HIS best friend, but he is definitely MY best friend!)

Greg supported the  2 books that I wrote, had me on his radio show TWICE (Greg and Dan Show 1470 AM WMBD), let me do silly "bits" on the show, used a jingle I wrote, and has ALWAYS been a faithful friend to me!



MY BOOKS





I was often rude, ill mannered, unthankful, pushy, belligerent, stupid acting, and nasty!


I am not saying Greg took all of this with a smile, no way, but he was kind and patient enough to help me, and teach me to have more self control and empathy for others.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. day, and I believe these words from Doctor King apply to Greg Batton in a profound way:

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
Martin Luther King Jr.



I know I have definitely been a challenge for Greg , but I also understand that he has met other challenges in his life with dignity and class.

If I know Greg, he is not going to like this mushy stuff that I wrote about him, but ...

I almost forgot, it's Greg's birthday Thursday the 24th, and just like Greg, he is giving ME and a friend of mine from abroad, a great gift!
(No, she's not a "broad," she's a sweet girl.)






Greg has also made it possible for me to get a shout out from my favorite comedian, Bill Cosby, AND actaully meet stars like Bob Zany, Yvonne Greer, and the Magnificent Marty Wombacher!







See what I mean about that big lovable teddy bear being soooo cool?

You will have to listen on Thursday morning (between 5:30 and 9:00 AM) to see what he's gonna do for me and my friend from Norway. HA! So suspenseful!                          

I don't think Greg reads my blog, but do you blame him? LOL!

Anyway, that don't matter, 'cause I just need to say,
 Greg, I love you, man!!!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

NAME THAT TUNE

I am politely asking you (PLEASE) to watch only 30 seconds of some of my videos that I've done, and I want you to pick the one you like best. Simple as that! 
Why? You ask so inquiringly! 
Let's just say, the whole balance of the universe is in play here, so you can't screw this up!
Remember in "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind" when musical notes were used to communicate with the aliens?
Well, this has nothing to do with that. 
Just trust me, okay!

The song in this first video has 1,355 views altogether, and remember, only 30 seconds!


The second video has about 1500 views, I think. 


The turd video.


Remember, only watch 30 seconds of each video, or your brain will explode like the aliens in "Mars Attacks!"

THE FATE OF THE WHOLE WIDE WORM IS IN YOUR HANDS!!!

Leave your comment in comment box, or if you liked the first video hit interesting, second video, hit cool, third video, hit funny...Mars Attacks video not included in the voting!

THNK YOU BEDDY MUCH!

Friday, January 18, 2013

HEADLINES FOR UFO ENTHUSIASTS

     STRANGE ALIENS HEADED FOR  MALL!

EXTRA LARGE BUBBLE GUM MACHINES APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE!

WHY ARE DOZENS OF CHILDREN VANISHING AT NORTHWOODS MALL?
I couldn't find a picture of  children being abducted to the "mother ship," but you get the  idea.

CREEPY LIGHTS SEEN OVER J.C. PENNY


GUMBALL MACHINES EERILY TAKE ON  HUMAN CHARACTERISTICS AT POPULAR , AND CONVENIENT, PEORIA MALL!




PARENTS  FOUND AT BAR , MILDLY CONCERNED OVER MISSING CHILDREN 







GUMBALL SALES GOING THROUGH THE ROOF, AS WELL AS HUMANS!

"THIS IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL,"  CLAIMS A CRAZY OLD  HOMELESS MAN!


MANTI TE'O SAYS IT'S A HOAX!





LANCE ARMSTRONG SWEARS IT'S TRUE!


WORLD FAMOUS UFO HUNTER, AND PAIR A NORMAL JOURNALIST, MARTY WOMBACHER, BROKE THIS STORY AFTER SENSING THE MENACING VIBES OF THE "GUMBALL MACHINES." 
WE HOPE HIS PATRIOTIC WARNING TO MANKIND DOES NOT GO UNHEEDED, THAT THE WORLD MAY SURVIVE THIS STICKY SITUATION, AND WE ALL HAVE THE BALLS TO GAIN VICTORY OVER THIS THREAT, CHEW IT UP AND SPIT IT OUT!!!!BURMA SHAVE!