MANESS MUSIC MONDAY

Introducing my new "Sad Depressing Song" on Maness music monday!

If you're feeling down, this song will lead to major depression for ya!

Have a nice day!

CHURCH IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT

CHURCH IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT

I'm gonna greet some folks today,

I'll smile and I won't fake it,

Cause I know it makes us all feel good,

Church is what you make it.

I'll sing out loud with all my heart,

Christ's love, I'll not forsake it,

I'll pray for friends and enemies,

Church is what you make it.

My bitter thoughts I'll set aside,

My hatred I'll set free,

At church I'll learn to lose this pride,

Praise God eternally.

I'll try to be a regular,

Not come to church at random,

An example to my kids, I'll be,

My faith I'll not abandon.

So if  you think your church dull,

Or so unloving you can't take it,

Jesus brought his love along,

Church is what you make it.

HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE WHOLE WIDE WORM!

SATURDAY MORNING POST

ALIENS FROM A DISTANT WORLD CHANGE THEIR MINDS ABOUT INVADING THE EARTH...WHEN THEY LAND IN DETROIT

PETA MEMBERS CLIMB INTO IOWA HOG PEN TO SAVE THE LIVES OF THE HELPLESS HOGS...WHERE THEY ARE PROMPTLY EATEN BY THE PORKERS

ILLINOIS HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT FINDS A COST EFFECTIVE WAY TO CUT DOWN ON HIGHWAY CONSTRUCTION WITH SIGNS THAT SAY BUMPY ROAD

CONVICTED "LEAKER" BRADLEY MANNING WILL BE SUBJECTED TO THE CRUELEST PUNISHMENT IMAGINABLE, BY BEING FORCED TO BECOME A WOMAN AND BE CALLED CHELSEA BY THE OTHER INMATES

MY PAST LOVE LIFE EXPOSED! SHOCKING, DISGUSTING TRASH!

FAN FRIDAY 

I was sincerely hoping I would NEVER have to admit all my past love affairs, but the guilt has built up to the point where I simply cannot hold it in anymore. 

It all began when I was a young lad watching the Little Rascals. 

I knew Darla was in love with Alfalfa, but she was so adorable that I could not help myself  but fall head over heels in love with her. 

What did she see in Alfalfa, anyway?

 It must have been his crooning, cause he wasn't much for looks! 

My next love, if memory serves me, was Gale Storm  of My Little Margie fame.

 She was really cute and funny! 

After I got tired of Gale, I developed a big crush for the Beaver's teacher, just like the Beaver did!

DIANE BREWSTER

Then I set my sights way, way up to the stars when I fell madly in love with the gorgeous, tall, Julie Newmar! This was long before she played Catwoman on Batman, she was on the Bob Cummings Show when I... 

focused my innocent eyes on her...uh...nevermind! 

My next woman was cute, sweet, sexy, and not even the star of the show! Here is a picture of her:

Tuesday Weld was a MAJOR infatuation in my youth!

She was on the Dobie Gillis Show, and WOW, WOW, WOW! 

Then there was the cute and adorable Mary Tyler Moore, on the Dick Van Dyke Show, who I fantasized about on an hourly basis! 

However, I think the one woman who I thought about the most, in my imaginative, testosterone filled youth, was Barbara Eden!

Not only did she show her belly to me every week, but she had the power to give me ANYTHING I wanted!! 

So I hope you are all happy now! 

Now you tell me, who did you have a crush on whilst growing up? 

By the way, Barbara Eden turned 82 today! 

Happy birthday to our lovely Jeannie!

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY

I'm thirsty!

Before we begin Thoughtful Thursday's excursion into the outer reaches of our surreal imaginations, I need to get some ice water. (Or iced water, if that is correct in your neck of the woods)

WARNING!!! If you do not plan to click on the videos in this blog, you will not find any of the laughter, joy, and nostalgia it was designed to illicit in your soul. 
Thanks for your cooperation!

Please enjoy the intermission music whilst I'm away to the kitchen:

Ta tick tock tick tock tick tock tick...

I'm baaaaack!

Did you listen to the cool tick tock music?

Why not?

Go back, click it on, and listen to it while you read my blog...PLEASE! It will make it a lot less boring. 

Ta tick tock, tick tock, tick tock tick, ta tick tock, tick tock, ticky ticky tock...

They used to play that song quite often on TV back in the 50's, when you had to wait for something to happen...which was frequently!

Things were not so instantaneous back then. There were delays, intermissions, technical difficulties...vikings raiding the TV station...

That's when they inserted the tick tock song to entertain us while we waited. Kind of like what they do when you're put on hold today.

You may click off tick tock music now, if you wish.

Watch video below! It's the best of the blog!

Speaking of music back in the 50's, here is what they would play when someone was spinning plates on sticks, juggling with fire torches, or doing anything exciting:

Begin playing video now...I said NOW!

Sorry if I seem a bit cranky, but I ain't got my car fixed yet!

Here is something cool that I'll bet you've never seen!

I apologize. This is supposed to be Thoughtful Thursday and I'm getting all nostalgic about stupid acts and dumb music on variety shows when I was a kid!

However, how can we forget Senor Wences?! HA HA HA HA-larious!!

And Johnny Puleo and his Harmonica Gang!

How did this get in here?

Did you watch every second of every video I put on here?

You did?

Man, you got way too much time on your hands!

See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!

Just funnin' wit ya!

OUT OF THIS WORLD WEDNESDAY

Our hero, Gary, has completed 3 of the really, really really hard tests of the Gruesome Glirkazoid Gauntlet (with merciful help from Yellow Rose), and would now face the 4th disgusting test that is not only impossible for the impure in heart, but humiliating, to the max!

Before Gary could stand before the Supreme Glirkheads, in the glorious, diamond and emerald encrusted High Chamber, he needed to pass ALL 5 tests, so failure was not an option.

Gary slowly walks down the dusty road singing this song:

Then all of a sudden he bumps right into a huge set of barn doors that tower over him like redwood trees!

Gary hears the sound of chains, and creaking cogs, as the magnificent doors begin to slowly open with a loud squeaking sound, like...Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

When the doors open, Gary can't believe his protruding eyes!

He whispers to himself, "The pink glelephants of Gnoph!"

Then he says it very loud, "The pink glelephants of Gnoph!!" 

Wow! Gary never really believed they existed! 

He'd heard all the legends of these gigantic glelephants that were way bigger than normal glelephants, but never dreamed they were for real!

"There must be a thousand of them," Gary exclaimed!

At that, Gary is handed a small pooper scooper and told to clean up ALL of the pink glelephant dung, in one hour!

Hercules cleans Augean stables.

The piles of glelephant dung from 1,000 glelephants are like mountains, compared to tiny little Gary!

However, Gary is pure in heart, and sincerely believes in his heart he can pass this impossible test! (NO WAY!)

He begins to sing as he scoops:

Now, Yellow Rose is the compassionate, caring, "rescue girl" for all Glirkazoids in trouble, and she also has dominion over all the diverse creatures on the planet Glirka.

Soooo, when the stunningly gorgeous, Yellow Rose, hears Gary singing, she calls out to the enormous Glirkazoidian dung beetles, who run to the dung by the millions, and roll it away in big balls, in about 10 minutes...FLAT!

Gary really wishes Yellow Rose was there, so he could put his arms around her and kiss her on the mouth, real hard, and...

Suddenly, Yellow Rose appears in front of him...and...and...

Gary is way too shy to "make his move." Sigh!

Gary can be really dumb at times!

Plus, he was a little self conscious because he smelled pretty bad from the glelephant poo-poo!

Gary has one final test to face!

What will it be?

Will he succeed?

Will you be there with our little hero?

Will Gary have the courage to give Yellow Rose a big smooch?

Find out next week, on Out Of This World Wednesday!!!

TRAVELIN' TUESDAY-NOT!!!

Got rear ended 'bout a week ago,

Thought everything was cool and Kosher,

I had insurance, so did she,

Was sure there'd soon be closure.

Well, our car is still broken down,

With the muffler lying on the ground,

Her "swift" insurance adjuster,

Is no where to be found!

We've been renting a car from Enterprise,

At 40 bucks a day,

It's nice to drive a brand new Cruze,

But who is gonna pay?

We call and call her insurance firm,

The name is Elephant?

No one's ever heard of it,

Is it time for us to punt?

They never will return our calls,

So we call our insurance place,

They say there's nothing they can do,

Safe Auto's a disgrace!

So here we are without our car,

Through no fault of our own,
I know God will work it out,
But still I cry and moan,

It just helps to share my woes,
With friends who really care,
Anyway it's my mistake,
For thinking life is fair.

BURMA SHAVE

MANESS MUSIC MONDAY

Laraine Kaizer

Laraine Kaizer was just a young college student when she played violin on my demo about 20 years ago.

She was a sweet little girl with extraordinary talent!

She comes from a musical family here in Peoria, and music is in her genes.

She would sit there and listen to a song I wrote, and immediately be able to play the most beautiful accompaniment imaginable!

As you listen to this song, please focus on her brilliant violin solo. It takes my breath away every time I hear it!

South Side Of My Mind

BREANNA CELEBRATES THE MORNING

5 in the morning I'm on the computer,

Breanna peeks from her room,

Is there anything cuter?

"Is it morning yet?" 

She asks curiously,

Go back to bed, Bre, soon it will be.

A few minutes later,

She looks out again,

"Is the sun up, Babaw,"

She says, with a grin.

Not yet, Sweetie,

She looks so darn sweet,

How long since the morning,

I wanted to greet?

A sunbeam appears,

On her little hand,

She squeals with excitement,

As if it were grand!

She makes up a song,

Singing, "Morning, It's morning!"

While I haven't finished,

My routine of yawning.

I think I remember,

Though vaguely and hazy,

When I wasn't so old,

And not a bit lazy,

And I'd jump out of bed,

With the joy of our Bre,

And I knew that all day,

I'd be happy and free.

Like my sweet inspiration,

My symbol of courage,

Who in spite of her illness,

Is never discouraged,

Breanna the happy,

Breanna the strong,

Breanna who now sings,

her sweet morning song.

FANTASY FRIDAY

What a day for a daydream,

Cool, sweet breezes blowing,

Let's go and get some ice cream,

And forget about that mowing.

Take a walk down to the river,

Where the Asian Carp are jumping,
I'm sure they'll soon deliver,
A reprieve from all your grumping.

Ain't they cool!

Take in sights and sounds abundant,
Get your wrinkled pale face sunshine,
Make this daily and incumbent,
Like a big ole jug a moonshine.

Greet your neighbors with a big smile,
Even if you're sick and ailin',
Do it with some class and smooth style,
Just like you are Sarah Palin.

Grab a pit bull by his small ears,
Even if he is a stranger,
It's okay, get rid of all fears,
What a laugh, you're not in danger.

Walk up to the local policeman,
Ask him, "Where's your box of doughnuts?"
Make a pig noise, through your cupped hands,
Then run as fast you can.

Day old sushi from the Quick Mart,
Will make your tummy tingle,
It will even make your butt fart,
Like jolly old Kris Kringle.

Yes, Santa Claus has tooters,
The same as you and me,
So never put lit candles,
Upon your Christmas tree!
BURMA SHAVE