WHO NAMED DAT CHURCH,BROTHER?

For a brief portion of my life I made frequent trips to the south side of Chicago for reasons that must remain closely guarded until I assume room temperature.

It didn't take long to notice that the churches seemed to be trying to outdo each other. 

I got the impression they believed the longest, most complicated name equaled the best church.

Before I got the the south side, while driving through the beautiful suburbs of Chicago, the churches had normal names (not Normal Illinois)like The Church Of God, 1st Baptist, 2nd Baptist(why would anyone want to go to 2nd Baptist,or even worse,3rd Baptist, isn't that like 2nd and 3rd place?),Saint Paul Church, Saint John Church; simple names, like Melvin,

Yes, this is a real church!

However, as I entered the south side, it was a whole nuther story! 

At first, it was not too bad;

THE CHURCH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST

but the next would be

THE CHURCH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND THE HOLY ANGELS

And then

THE CHURCH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND THE HOLY ANGELS UPON MOUNT ZION

Not actual picture of the south side church.

And then

THE CHURCH OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND THE HOLY ANGELS UPON MOUNT ZION TABERNACLE

Not actual photo of south side Chicago church.

And then they changed a up a bit 

THE TRINITY CHURCH OF THE SEPULCHER AND APOSTLES IN HEAVEN WITH JAZZ MUSIC NIGHTLY,  OPEN BAR, AND NO COVER CHARGE IN DIVINE WORSHIP TO THE MIGHTY SOVEREIGN OF THE UNIVERSE

CHURCH OF THE SEPULCHER?

Well, the church down the block wouldn't be outdone

THE AWESOME POWERFUL GOD IN CHRIST  SANCTUARY OF ABRAHAM, MOSES, AND THE PROPHETS OF OLD CHURCH OF HOLINESS,PEACE AND EXOTIC DANCING TO A BIG BAND BEAT WITH FREE PARKING ON HIGH,IN OUR FIVE STORY PARKING DECK, WITH COUPONS FOR HALF PRICE ON A DELUXE CAR WASH AND IN CHAPEL WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS AVAILABLE 24/7 RIGHTEOUS CATHEDRAL MEMORIAL TEMPLE

I guess no one could beat that, huh?

WRONGO, BIBLE BRAIN!!!

THE FAR OUT GROOVY HIPPY UNIVERSALIST UNITARIAN MOSQUE/TEMPLE/CHURCH OF FREE WILL AND ANYTHING GOES IF IT FEELS GOOD MONASTERY OF ALLAH/JESUS/BUDDAH/ALFRED E. NEWMAN,OF PINK FLOYDIAN  EXTRATERRESTRIAL ORIGINS WHICH INCLUDES GLORIOUS MUSHROOMS AND WACKY TUBAKKI TRANCENDENTAL MEDITATION OF THE THIRD KIND WHERE DRINKS ARE ALWAYS SERVED AT THE STEEPLE LOUNGE AFTER MIDNIGHT AND PYRO-TECHNICAL DISPLAYS ARE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED AT OUR DISCRETION, LORD ALMIGHTY!!

I may have exaggerated a wee bit, but not much!

MY BEST FRIEND, GREG

I really, really don't like mushy stuff, but I have to write about how I feel in my heart, or my uvula may drop off!

Sidebar: I was born with a uvula but no tonsils, REALLY!

Where was I? Oh, yeah...mushy stuff. 

In my past life, for about 40 years, I was not always the nicest person when I was off my meds, or even ON my meds!

Have you ever seen someone that had turrets syndrome, and could not control what they would say?

 I was very much like that, and it was ugly, and I lost a lot of friends.

I probably treated my best friend Greg worse than anybody! (Now, I'm not claiming I'm HIS best friend, but he is definitely MY best friend!)

Greg supported the  2 books that I wrote, had me on his radio show TWICE (Greg and Dan Show 1470 AM WMBD), let me do silly "bits" on the show, used a jingle I wrote, and has ALWAYS been a faithful friend to me!

MY BOOKS





I was often rude, ill mannered, unthankful, pushy, belligerent, stupid acting, and nasty!

I am not saying Greg took all of this with a smile, no way, but he was kind and patient enough to help me, and teach me to have more self control and empathy for others.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. day, and I believe these words from Doctor King apply to Greg Batton in a profound way:

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Martin Luther King Jr.

I know I have definitely been a challenge for Greg , but I also understand that he has met other challenges in his life with dignity and class.

If I know Greg, he is not going to like this mushy stuff that I wrote about him, but ...

I almost forgot, it's Greg's birthday Thursday the 24th, and just like Greg, he is giving ME and a friend of mine from abroad, a great gift!

(No, she's not a "broad," she's a sweet girl.)






Greg has also made it possible for me to get a shout out from my favorite comedian, Bill Cosby, AND actaully meet stars like Bob Zany, Yvonne Greer, and the Magnificent Marty Wombacher!

See what I mean about that big lovable teddy bear being soooo cool?

You will have to listen on Thursday morning (between 5:30 and 9:00 AM) to see what he's gonna do for me and my friend from Norway. HA! So suspenseful!                          

I don't think Greg reads my blog, but do you blame him? LOL!

Anyway, that don't matter, 'cause I just need to say,
 Greg, I love you, man!!!

NAME THAT TUNE

I am politely asking you (PLEASE) to watch only 30 seconds of some of my videos that I've done, and I want you to pick the one you like best. Simple as that! 

Why? You ask so inquiringly! 

Let's just say, the whole balance of the universe is in play here, so you can't screw this up!

Remember in "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind" when musical notes were used to communicate with the aliens?

Well, this has nothing to do with that. 

Just trust me, okay!

The song in this first video has 1,355 views altogether, and remember, only 30 seconds!

The second video has about 1500 views, I think. 

The turd video.


Remember, only watch 30 seconds of each video, or your brain will explode like the aliens in "Mars Attacks!"

THE FATE OF THE WHOLE WIDE WORM IS IN YOUR HANDS!!!

Leave your comment in comment box, or if you liked the first video hit interesting, second video, hit cool, third video, hit funny...Mars Attacks video not included in the voting!

THNK YOU BEDDY MUCH!

HEADLINES FOR UFO ENTHUSIASTS

     STRANGE ALIENS HEADED FOR  MALL!

EXTRA LARGE BUBBLE GUM MACHINES APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE!

WHY ARE DOZENS OF CHILDREN VANISHING AT NORTHWOODS MALL?

I couldn't find a picture of  children being abducted to the "mother ship," but you get the  idea.

CREEPY LIGHTS SEEN OVER J.C. PENNY

GUMBALL MACHINES EERILY TAKE ON  HUMAN CHARACTERISTICS AT POPULAR , AND CONVENIENT, PEORIA MALL!

PARENTS  FOUND AT BAR , MILDLY CONCERNED OVER MISSING CHILDREN 

GUMBALL SALES GOING THROUGH THE ROOF, AS WELL AS HUMANS!

"THIS IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL,"  CLAIMS A CRAZY OLD  HOMELESS MAN!

MANTI TE'O SAYS IT'S A HOAX!

LANCE ARMSTRONG SWEARS IT'S TRUE!

WORLD FAMOUS UFO HUNTER, AND PAIR A NORMAL JOURNALIST, MARTY WOMBACHER, BROKE THIS STORY AFTER SENSING THE MENACING VIBES OF THE "GUMBALL MACHINES." 

WE HOPE HIS PATRIOTIC WARNING TO MANKIND DOES NOT GO UNHEEDED, THAT THE WORLD MAY SURVIVE THIS STICKY SITUATION, AND WE ALL HAVE THE BALLS TO GAIN VICTORY OVER THIS THREAT, CHEW IT UP AND SPIT IT OUT!!!!BURMA SHAVE!

STUPID PEOPLE JUDGE OTHERS BY THEIR OUTWARD APPEARANCE!

My lovely friend Sara from Norway

My sweet friend Sarah from church.

Unless you are totally blind as a bat, you can see that both of my Sara/Sarah girls are extremely gorgeous! 

I'm really angry because some people have criticized them for their wearing of nose rings, and other piercings that they frequently wear. 

Here is what really ticked me off.

I was in Sunday school and we were talking about approaching people to talk to them about Jesus, when one numb skull pointed to my beautiful friend Sarah and said, "I would have a difficult time talking to her because of all her piercings!" ( She was wearing a few shiny face ornaments that day)

WHAT? What an idiot!!

Scroll back and look at those faces! 

Exactly like my wonderful wife, those girls are the sweetest things on this planet! 

I know, because they love an old, grumpy, ugly, troll like me!

Sarah was really hurt by what this "Neanderthal" said,

and I told her I always seek out the people with interesting hairstyles, piercings, and freaky clothing to talk to, because they're usually the most interesting, creative, and fun!

The totally beautiful Sara (pronounced Saar-uh) from Norway, suffered from anorexia for a while, and has low self esteem because people told her she was fat!

Scroll back up and look at her! 

She has almost 16 million views on YouTube, but still suffers from low self esteem because of the absolutely heartless comments dumb folks have made!

I am really thankful I lived in the hippy days, where it didn't take long to find out outward appearances were in no way an indication of the love, or brilliance, or humor, or talent behind the wild hair and tie dye clothing.

A few examples of folks who didn't fit the establishment "look," but became icons to the world were Frank Zappa

Slavador  Dali

The Dalai  Lama

Albert Einstein

Janice Joplin

Mother Teresa 

Marty Wombacher

Notice he's sticking out his tongue like Einstein.

Yes, I know I wasn't  very funny today but when bigoted, ignorant, thoughtless people hurt my girls (which includes my 7 granddaughters) I get really TICKED OFF!

I must end this with a poem, or as they say in southeast Missouruh, a "pomb":

Don't make fun of people,

Because they're not like you,

Who have a lot of nose rings, 

or dye their hair sky blue.

And if they're 700 pounds,

Don't make fun of that,

You may not get your Christmas toys, 

'cause Santa Claus is fat.

Don't think that you are better,

Than a bum out on the street,

That dude could be an angel,

Who might cast you to the "HEAT." (Hell)

And if you see a puppy,

Don't kick him really hard,

Take him home and feed him,

You may get a cash reward.

Sara is my Norway friend,

Who treats me like a daddy,

So don't you travel over there, 

And tell her she's a fatty.

Sarah wears a bit of bling,

upon her face and elsewhere,

But you better not make fun of her,

Or I'll set fire to your hair!

BURMA SHAVE

MY SCARIEST BLOG EVER (FOR REAL)

VIEWER DISCRETION STRONGLY ADVISED

Remember when you learned there is no Santa Claus ?

How did you feel? Shocked? Sad? Depressed? Violated?

Well, I felt all those things, and more, when I stumbled across these photos on the enter-knet!

I'm not even sure if they're real, but they have to be!

They're on the enter-knet for goodness sakes!

These horrifying pictures literally made me puke from disgust and ab-whore-enz!

Disclaimer: If you still desire to continue on looking at this horrifying blog, the creator of said blog is in no way responsible for any lingering, traumatic effects upon your love of movies/ movie stars/ fan magazines/ Entertainment Tonight/ The Oscar Presentation/ and any miscellaneous and sundry movie/T.V. related information! 

BURMA SHAVE

I really hope I've prepared you for this frightening journey into the depths of desception and total manipulation of our innocent brain cells, and sheer ugliness!

HERE IT BE!!!!

   Cameron Diaz?   HUH?    Is this for real?                

This can't be Goldie Hawn! Goldie is adorable, right?  I used to sit on the sofa and watch her on "Laugh In," and she was super cute, and oh my!

Y

      You won't guess this in a billion years!

                       HEIDI KLUM                  

    Remember the enter-knet never lies!

     OH my God!! Heather Locklear? Noooooo!!!

 J Lo! Where'd you go! Really not too bad, for    my low standards!

               Pretty woman?                                          

  Katie Holmes, looking like my aunt Margie! 

   The lovely and delicious, Katie Perry?

Now how long has it been since "Friends?"

Hannah Montana, eat your heart out!

  Sorry, but I didn't notice the first picture!

Renee Zellweger, the name fits the face now!

SEE! You didn't believe me and went ahead and gazed at these visions of "mugliness," and now you are deviated from the "Norm."

    I really think he's cuter than Miley Cyrus!!!

To all my blog readers who never comment, like the GREAT MARTY WOMBACHER always does, do not be afraid, it's okay to comment, OKAY?

BI!!!