Freewheelin' Friday, Folks!

Once again I've decided to take the immense risk of writing whatever comes to my imaginary mind, with no pre-advanced notions of what to pontificate about.

pon·tif·i·cate

verb

/pänˈtifiˌkāt/

1. 1.

   express one's opinions in a way considered annoyingly pompous and dogmatic.

   "he was pontificating about art and history"

   Similar:

   hold forth

   expound

   declaim

   preach

   lay down the law

   sound off

Pontification is absolutely not my goal, but I oft times come across as a prolific pontificator, because I'm so passionate about a plethora of politically "poison" positions.

Like how social media is nasty and crude, folks should be nice, instead of so rude, and babes should be loved, even there in the womb, and "BigBro shouldn't track us from cradle to tomb.

Freedom of speech should be freedom for all, whether you're D.J. Trump or lib Tamron Hall.

And no one should tell me what I can and can't eat, or what I may wear when I walk down the street.

You best not be banning the stuff I love best, my mind needs diversity in my brains quest.

I'll decide for myself where I'll go on this day, whether to school or to church where I'll pray.

The words that I'm speaking may make you upended, but I'll say them out loudly, even though you're offended.

Not really. I actually don't want to offend my fellow citizens that I love, but I, sometimes, inadvertently, do. 

Okay! So have a super weak end! Weak end?

Use Stimulus Cash Wisely

How do you plan on using your "stimulus" cash?

Here are a few suggestions to help you avoid wasting your new found wealth...

1. Send the money to me. I know what to do with it.

2. Adopt a homeless dog or cat. 

Come on man! How can you resist?

3. Give it all to a total stranger.

Now, don't you feel better?

4. Buy a small boat.

5. Donate to the "Save The Platypus" foundation. 

6. Purchase nunchucks. 

7. Support your local Sheriff, with a 14 hundred dollar gift.

8. Put your stimulus cash in a Mason jar and bury it in the backyard, where it will cease to be stimulus cash.

9. Purchase a 19th century petticoat, dude. 

10. Build a treehouse with a mini-bar.

That's one BIG mini-bar, if you ask me!

11. Put the stimulus moolah in a blender...shred it...and sprinkle it over the grave of Bernie Madoff...if he ever dies. It's all good! Your money will return to you 1000 times over!

12. Take a trip to the City Of Lights, or the City That Never Sleeps, or the City By The Bay, or the Gateway To The West, or Goofy Ridge Illinois, for something different and unusual.

That's all I got for ya, today!

Any suggestions on how to spend our stimulus pazoozas? Let me know in the comments section!

Out Of This World Wednesday 

Traveling through the dark, vast recess of spaze...

Different kind of recess.

...our little Glirkazoid galaxy gliders are transmigrating themselves to the trashy planet of Z70 to clean up da plaze!

Gary - "Rosie, have you noticed that spaze traffic is about a billion times worse than it used to be? We almost got rear-ended by that spaze junker a moment ago!!"

Rosie - "The spaze traffic is not any worse than back in the 60's, bubblehead! It's your non-defensive driving that's getting worse!!"

Gary - "Are you talkin' 'bout the 10,060's or the 22, 060's?"

Rosie - "BOTH, KNUCKLEHEAD!! It's your reckless operation of the Silver Sausage spazeship that makes it...."

At that exact instant, a gigantic Z70 warship looms over them, like a big duck looms over a June bug!!!

A Z70, class A, warship is the ugliest spazeship in the universe! Looking like a 20th century garbage scow from the polluted planet of Perth  I mean, Earth!

Z70 Warship Capt. - "Hailing the Silver Sausage...hailing the Silver Sausage!"

Rosie - "We know why you're here, Capt. John Filthy McNasty! You are here to destroy us, because you must have found out we will be turning your population into super-goats to eat your disease laden litter, and even though we will be changing you back to the creatures you were, it ticks you off that we're meddling into your affairs...right?"

Z70 Warship Capt. - "No. Not really. We are the Z70 "welcome wagon" officials, who usually bring really nice gifts to visitors from other worlds, but since you just let it slip that you're gonna turn us into goats, we will be forced to emulsificate the Silver Sausage and it's inhabitants in a totally defensive response." 

"By the way, how did you know my secret name?"

Gary - "Your name is no secret, dufus! John Filthy McNasty has become infamous for being the dirtiest, slimiest, maggot-like, ugliest Capt. in the 222nd sector!"

John Filthy McNasty - "Why, THANK YOU!! Of course, we're still emulsificating you, so prepare to die!!!

What an unfortunate conundrum! 

Conundrum..meaning...

1a : an intricate and difficult problem He is faced with the conundrum of trying to find a job without having experience. b : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer …

It's like that old saying, "no good deed goes unpolished!"

Our Glirkazoid do-gooders want to help the folks on Z70, by eliminating their habitual hoarding habit...but the guardians of Z70 are willing to fight for the right to litter day and night!

Come next time to enjoy the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY!!!!

Or not.

 

Driving Ain't The Same 

As most of you faithful readers already know, I was born and raised in St. Louis, where the traffic is about a billion times worse than up here in Central Illinois. 

In those olden days (circa 1960), a good defensive driver in St. Loo might have a "close call" with a negligent operator of a vehicle once a month, at the most.

Nowadays, we seem to have a couple of close calls with a negligent operator of a vehicle every time we venture out!

Let's face it, there are way too many distractions for 21st century drivers who can't worry about watching for other cars. 

They've got texts to text, movies to watch, GPS's to follow, dogs in their laps, food to eat, drinks to drink, music to be-bop to (be-bop?), cigarettes to smoke, makeup to apply, and so on and so forth. 

In addition, here are some NEW things to watch for, that folks didn't do that much in the ancient 20th century...

1. "They" begin braking at GREEN lights, because they THINK the light will turn red at any moment. That is a no no. That will cause a rear-ender. Go like heck when you see a green light or amber light, like we used to do in "the day."

2. "They" pull out in front of you when you're innocently travelin' down the street at the suggested speed limit, when you're 15 feet away from the intersection!  I sometimes think my car has a "cloaking device" that inadvertently clicks on at random times. 

3. "They" fall asleep at red lights, even though they have the solemn responsibility to get goin', lickity split, to allow all the others cars to make it through the light. 

Well, my fiends, that's all I can stand to talk about today. My blood pressure is climbing to the stratosphere, as I discuss the stupid way indivisibles drive nowadays, compared to the PERFECT drivers of yesteryear!!

This classic cartoon tells it the best!

Friday Fun Facts For Freaky Folks!! 

Disclaimer - At no time do we propose, purport, or popularize the vague opinion that any of the following "facts" are even remotely true, vetted, or verified. Any attempt to "fact check" this blog will prove a to be a futile attempt at...uh...fact checking! We accept NO responsibility for the deep confusion that will proliferate in your brain. Thank you. 

1.  A group of five living ex-Presidents of The U.S. of A. is called an Executive Codger. 

2. The Mars rover has found the ancient remains of 222 giant chickens that roamed the planet some 39 trillion years ago. They averaged 35 feet tall and weighed 100 tons. No ancient KFC ruins were discovered...ANYWHERE!

This is a smaller earth chicken that can still be found in Texas.

3. Elon Musk has developed a proto-type automobile that runs on fairy dust. He just needs about a billion fairies to grind into dust, to jump start the program. 

4. The Gov of Texas has just declared his state "mask free!" Now, who's gonna tell Zorro and the Lone Ranger? 

5. Did you know seeing two squirrels running up and down a tree brings good luck, but if your eyesight is failing and they are actually beavers, you are cursed for 6.5 years of having to use Ipana tooth paste! 

6. In America we drive on the right and in England they drive on the left, HOWEVER, in Lower Bosgolvia they compromise by letting the population decide which side to travel. Recent census of Bosgolvia reveals a 200% drop in citizens since compromise was announced. 

7. A recent study of dogs and cats shows that they both have common evolutionary ancestors. Both species out of one family... who were constantly at each others throats. 

8. A common house fly is more intelligent than the all of the governmental leaders in all the world. But you already knew that. 

9. If people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, and people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass, what shouldn't people in straw houses throw? Right! Giant chickens!

10. Bonus question...YOU provide the answer...

How will the astronauts succeed in surviving their trip to the Sun?

I hope you enjoyed Friday Fun Facts For Freaky Folks! Leave your bonus question answer in the comments box.

Arrivibirdie!!